A Letter to Mike Johnson

Who has taken the Christian sword to benefits for children and women

January 9, 2026

The Honorable Mike Johnson, Speaker
United States House of Representatives
Washington, D.C. 20515

Speaker Johnson:

I just wanted to thank you for all you are doing on behalf of America’s women and children. What a good Christian man you are, from all accounts. I’ve seen photos of you leading mostly-male prayer groups right on the House floor, filling the chamber with some much-needed Holy Spirit — a testosterone replacement therapy, of sorts. It is inspiring and reassuring to know you are doing God’s work and that with the power of the gavel, you are helping to bring to heel all those brown-skinned sinners and uppity women that populate the other side of the aisle (though there are a few on your side also worthy of your scorn). Even women elected to public office should be graciously submitting to your male leadership, functioning only as helpers and nurturers, as dictated by the Bible. Clearly, those Congresswomen who fail to do your bidding (Elise Stefanik comes to mind) are not fulfilling their God-given role.

I don’t need to tell you how shameful this is. I am glad the legislative ideas and concerns of women fall on deaf ears. You have set a good example in this, demonstrating to your Republican colleagues what it means to be a Christian man in these difficult times. I loved your recent praise for Congresswoman Lisa McClain, in which you described this high-ranking Republican as the colleague you most trust to make you dinner. I’m not sure she took that compliment in the spirit in which you intended it, but that’s her issue, and I hope she prays on it.

I also appreciated your raging against a bipartisan bill that would have allowed pregnant members of Congress and those recovering from childbirth to vote by proxy. I can appreciate where you are coming from on this issue: these women need to stay home, and refrain from doing House work (so to speak) during those precious early months. Their focus should be on pumping breast milk and changing diapers, rather than crafting legislation for child healthcare, education, daycare for working mothers, and food security. And, I am positive that all of those Congressmembers without uteruses could really use a reprieve from the hormonal angst of gestating women. Am I right?

Time and again, you, Speaker Johnson, have demonstrated respect and understanding for women, most recently offering insight into the differences between the male and female brain: “Men and women are different in this way, in that men can compartmentalize things,” you said, after which your wife chimed in, “But women, we cannot do that. We are always thinking. In fact, our brains are like spaghetti.” Speaking of spaghetti for brains, let’s discuss Elise Stefanik’s leaving Congress and abandoning her bid for governor of New York. Stefanik attributes much of her disillusionment with the party, and aversion to politics in general, to your failure as a leader, as well as your hand in seeing that she was not elevated to U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. God riddance to her, I say. Yes, God. Not a typo.

And now you are getting the same cold shoulder from Marjorie Taylor Greene, who has publicly denounced you over the Epstein files and is leaving Congress mid-term. Immediately following her resignation, an anonymous representative from the House told the press, “More explosive early resignations are coming. It’s a tinder box. Morale has never been lower. Mike Johnson will be stripped of his gavel, and they will lose the majority before this term is out.”

MTG is the poster child for why women should not be in politics — at least this seems to be the general consensus among your male colleagues, especially those with connections to Mr. Epstein. God, in His infinite wisdom, has seen to it that five of the 30 Republican women in the House will soon be gone (Ashley Hinson, Nancy Mace, and Harriet Hageman, in addition to MTG and Stefanik). That leaves only 25 more women to go. Were there a way to turn these remaining Congresswomen into pillars of salt, there is no doubt in my mind you would bring it to the floor and gather the votes needed to pass the Genesis 19 Act.

As a single, cat-free mother of two adult children, who kept her household intact and family healthy through food assistance (SNAP and USDA food banks) as well as ACA subsidies, I was impressed by this in your press release from 5/18/25: “We’re ensuring that programs like Medicaid and SNAP are strengthened for U.S. citizens who need and deserve them and not being squandered away by illegal aliens and persons who are ineligible to receive them and are cheating the system.” Very clever on your part to show these hooligans who’s boss by yanking $187 billion in SNAP funding right out from under them. You did the right thing is skirting over pesky details like the fact that the majority of SNAP fraud is from retailers who traffic benefits for ineligible items or cash, organized criminal groups who skim/clone cards to steal benefits, and corrupt USDA employees who sell access to benefits. Properly ending this corruption would have required more legislation and bureaucratic oversight at a time when DOGE was chainsawing its way through every agency that might have been up to the task. A much simpler solution, and brilliant on the part of you and your colleagues: get rid of SNAP altogether. The timing needed to be perfect, however — a gentle phase out before the midterms, so no seats in Congress would be lost, then ax the fucker down (pardon my French, Mike) altogether in 2027. Mission accomplished, one more bullet point in the Project 2025 agenda to check off.

The idea of punishing all SNAP recipients for the sins of the 11.7% who commit fraud was really the only way to make the point, wasn’t it? These people need to work. Plain and simple. Never mind their age, or their handicaps, or the fact that they are taking care of ten children, and their spouse is deceased. We all have to work, and being a housewife, well, that isn’t really work, is it? I mean, a stay-at-home mom could be watching Real Housewives of Salt Lake City while she’s ironing, but her husband — he cannot be checking out soft porn on his phone while also working the assembly line, or he could end up with a workplace-related injury. Am I right?

You have fought valiantly to keep contraception out of the hands of women, and rightly so. They are not the deciders in our Christian society. I cannot thank you enough for preventing the passage of the Right to Contraception Act while simultaneously co-sponsoring the Life at Conception Act. For many FOX viewers, the difference in spelling — between “contraception” and “conception” — that went right over their heads. This clever tactic allowed you to strip women of a few more rights with almost no one noticing. And your crafty legislation, which allows employer insurance plans to deny coverage for birth control while still requiring them to cover the cost of Viagra — that was a stroke of genius! I bet everyone at the old boys' club was slapping you on the back.

And that statement you made about illegal immigrants getting benefits and robbing hardworking taxpayers — I’m guessing that was just a White lie, as it is well-known that undocumented immigrants cannot even apply for SNAP under federal law, and because of that, the number of illegal aliens receiving benefits is close to zero.

“White lies” are sort of a gray area in the Bible, aren’t they? The Bible suggests that God considers deception the lesser evil in extreme moral dilemmas, and that’s where we’re at, isn’t it? Remember Deflategate, the 2015 NFL scandal involving the New England Patriots and quarterback Tom Brady, in which players allegedly used underinflated footballs in the AFC Championship for a better grip? Well, it helped, and the Patriots won. I think this was one of those moral dilemmas they were referring to in the Bible. No doubt, one day, you will be an honorary Patriot for your role in getting all of Project 2025 across the goal line. I look forward to watching you do your little dance in the end zone.

With your help, Congress has done so much to cut back on all programs that impact women and children. In reality, these programs were just perpetuating that insatiable human desire to live, and even thrive, rather than letting nature take its course. I’m sure you get the gist of what I am saying here without my having to get graphic.

So, here we are again, circling back on this issue of God’s will as it relates to Congress’s cuts to the many programs that benefit families, women, and children. Let me be the first to point out that none of these programs specifically benefits adult men, which to me seems grossly unfair in light of their importance in the Bible. I can only assume, since you are a God-fearing man, that you are looking to right these societal wrongs by putting men back where they belong in the pecking order: first.

As a woman, it is my duty, going forward, to set an example of both humility and gratitude. Thanks to you, I now see God’s hand in all that Congress has been doing to eliminate sinful government handouts — the $900 billion in Medicaid reductions, the significant (and ongoing) depletion of funds for CHIP and SNAP, the massive downsizing of Head Start, and the elimination of educational grants for Migrant Education and English Language Acquisition, as well as K-12 Education. Other divinely sanctioned budget cuts and executive actions eliminate or significantly reduce programs for college-related aid — programs like CCAMPIS (Child Care Access Means Parents in School), TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families) grants, and the Child Care & Development Fund (CCDF). Yours and the administration’s crowning accomplishment: the imminent closure of the U.S. Department of Education. What a winning team we are! I am so proud of your leadership.

Thank you for helping the women and children of this world see the light. As you have made clear, our needs, priorities, and lives must take a back-seat (without a safety restraint) to those of our important male leaders, both religious and political, and the oligarchs that bring prosperity to our land.

For this, we owe you, those tasked with carrying out God’s holy mandate, a larger percentage of our income. May you enjoy the fruits of our labor and see them properly distributed to those special interest groups that support the evangelical right and move forward His great plan.

Sincerely,
Chris Andrews