Regarding My Father and His Friends

If you've retired from critical thinking, you should retire from voting, and shut your pie hole

This may be your last slice. Enjoy it.

with Lorinda Birdwhistle

REGARDING MY FATHER AND HIS FRIENDS

As I look at a picture my father sent over a decade ago, one of my 16-year-old son sitting at a table with his coffee klatch, this is what I see: a bunch of crabby, disgruntled, old white men, red-faced and hypertensive, several with that smug look of self-righteousness. Granted, I am wearing corrective lenses smeared by years of airborne grease from my father’s spittle/dogma, but that’s what I see, and that’s what sticks in my head. I can hear what they’re saying, and my blood pressure spikes just imagining it.

There’s a reason my father has never invited me to gatherings like this. I would have served each of them a tall glass of fresh-squeezed facts, and made them eat the entire plate of bullshit hash they’d ordered before letting them dig into the pyramid of glazed donuts they live for in lieu of sex, something they’ve not enjoyed (dare I say it, hell yes) in decades. When asked by their primary care physicians if they are sexually active, most of them arrogantly proclaim, “yes!” But the honest ones, the non-MAGAs, avert their eyes and mutter humbly, “Yes, with myself.”

The boys. Just hanging out and shooting the shit. Looks to me like Bob (far right) got a sex-with-self injury on his right wrist.

It seems clear, in the picture, that this bunch has been talking about what’s wrong in this world and what needs to be done about it. It’s very simple, they posit thoughtfully. We need to return to traditional values. Whatever those are. We need someone who will stand up for those values — not us, of course, as we’re retired, but someone like us. Someone male, white, and conservative. You know, a real man. A patriot. Or was that patriarch? To be clear: someone who can still get it up and who can lead a proper democracy, a government in which one man has absolute control and decision-making power, you know — like in the good ol’ days. This donut-addicted white male tribe would never admit out loud that this is what gets them off, watching younger white men show everyone who’s boss, but it is their wet dream. Visualize J.D. Vance. Be sure you’re near a toilet first.

From Urban Dictionary

Also from Urban Dictionary

Granted, these are respectable men in my father’s hometown, men who were good providers and worked hard all of their lives. They were the decision makers in their communities, at the workplace, in their homes. They were deacons in their churches. People listened to them. Their op-eds were printed in the local paper. They were in charge of things. Back in the day.

No one questioned what these men said. At least not in public. In private, their wives were spending afternoons putting back pitchers of whiskey sours on the back porch with Deloris, who lived next door and always brought over a plate of fresh-baked peanut butter cookies, but the ladies — ha! They were dissing the shit out of their husbands. That, or they were spending a good deal of time in the laundry room reading “Fear of Flying” as they leaned up against the washing machine while it was on the spin cycle.

Jimmy Swaggert. A fine, upstanding white guy, who had a taste for prostitutes, bless his heart. Jimmy died today. 😭 Consider redirecting your weekly contributions from the Assemblies of God to Feeding America. Jesus would approve.

But back to these all-important men. They are why we are such a great country, or so they surmise. Make America Great Again is all about returning to when white men were in charge of everything. You know and I know — this is the natural order of things. Everyone knows that.

In the bottom left corner of the aforementioned picture is my son. He is half turned away from the group, rolling his eyes. He is not used to drinking this much coffee, or any coffee for that matter, and is tired of eating packets of butter and Smuckers instead of a proper breakfast. He just wants to leave.

Gramps loves his group of Distinguished Fellow Back Scratchers. And he loves the Town Square Eatery, because seniors get free coffee (or free hot water and a slice of lemon, for those with congestive heart failure), even when they don’t order food, which on the day this picture was taken, they didn’t, as you can see from the flatware still wrapped in napkins. My dad leaves an Abraham Lincoln on the table for the waitress once their three hours of kibitzing are done. It’s the least he can do, and a good example for his grandson: be generous.

Sorry for all the spots on the picture. No way to edit those out. I think my dad sneezed on the photo.

OK, friends and fam of my father. BE OFFENDED. Go for it.

But, if you are one of the real men on my father’s email list, get over this real quick and start doing the right thing. Step the fuck out of the way. If you’re going to retire from critical thinking, then RETIRE FROM VOTING. And while you’re at it, retire from spreading conspiracy theories and from political banter generally. It’s that simple. Just tell people: “Hey, this is not my bag. I’m too old for this.” And shut up, unless you know what you’re talking about and not just lip syncing drivel from FOX.

@junkwaxhunterI want his trading card #frankievalli ❤️

Tiktok failed to load.

Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser

👆 This is exactly like my father, lip syncing FOX drivel 👆

And when I use the expression “retire from critical thinking,” this is what I’m referring to: if all you can manage is FOX News or Newsmax, then you need to give it a rest. And that’s OK. That includes you, the-man-I-can-no-longer-bring-myself-to-call-Dad. No one is going to take issue with someone who wants to live in the past or on another astral plane, as long as you are not voting. Let the people with skin in the game be the deciders — and I mean those with brown and black skin, too. They are going to have to live with the consequences. They should get to call the shots.

Sorry about the terrible potty mouth (actually fucking not), but my doctor has assured me it’s really good for my blood pressure. For those of you like my father, who think swearing is even worse than genocide, think again. Enjoy this article from the pre-Trump National Institute of Health: “Frankly, we do give a damn: improving patient outcomes with swearing,” by not-kidding Nicholas Washmuth (😂) and Richard Stephen.

THIS IS WHERE IT GETS UGLY

Not going to sugarcoat this friends of my father. I’ve reached the end of the line with anyone, family, friends, or neighbors who are pro-Trump, voted for Trump, or espouse to be Republican in any way, shape, or form. Also not interested in being friends with those who feel the need to beat the pro-Israel drum, especially at this moment in history, when Israel is committing genocide. Nor am I interested in associating with so-called libertarians. There is no longer any middle ground. Get a clue. This is war.

If you voted for Trump and his horrific entourage, you get to deal with the fallout on your own. And I pray it hits home soon — yours.

Coming to a store near you. Hope you love cream of mushroom soup, sundried tomatoes, and garlic paste. That’s what’s for dinner.

Here’s what Trump and chumps have been up to with the OBBB while my father was out in the garden working on his potted tomatoes:

• 17 million Americans will be losing their health coverage, including he-who-shall-not-be-named’s grandchildren.

• The poorest Americans are losing hugely under the OBBB: their health coverage, their food assistance, their tax credits (as a result of the skewing of the child tax credit), and now they will be paying regressive taxes in the form of increased pricing from tariffs. ALL of this grossly outweighs the minuscule tax breaks that have been extended to them.

• The lowest 10% of American households are hurt most by OBBB (losing $1600/year), while the top 10% benefit most (gaining $12,000/year). This is from the Congressional Budget Office. How very Christian of y’all.

• 4.7 million Americans will be losing SNAP benefits; the remainder will see a substantial reduction in benefits. How very, very Christian of y’all.

• 37.5 million children (nearly 50% of the children in the U.S.) will be seriously affected by inadequacies in the administration of CHIP programs per the poorly written legislation in the OBBB, resulting in periods where they will have no coverage or access to healthcare. This is on you, MAGAs, GOPers, Trumpers, fence-sitters/libertarians, and my father. More here. How very, very fucking Christian of y’all.

• The economic devastation resulting from Trump’s mass deportations will soon hit the entirety of the United States, hugely. Believe it. You'd better get good at growing your own food, doing all your own house repairs, building your own infrastructure, and running the local nursing home where granny resides (which will soon be staff-free).

• OBBB will be adding $3.9 trillion to the national debt.

• OBBB to accelerate Social Security and Medicare insolvency. Enjoy watching that happen over the next 10 years. You’ll probably be dead, so who cares… am I right? Another fuck you to my father, who’s always looking out for his kids.

• OBBB set to put U.S. on “perilous fiscal path.” Oops.

• Tanked investments in green energy will hit red states hardest. I’m finding it super hard to make tears.

• 14 million people are likely to die as a result of the abrupt closing of USAID. No wonder Trumpers don’t like Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, and Sikhism. It’s that karma thing, am I right?

• DOGE cuts to IRS and other government agencies that were carelessly dismantled will cost the U.S. trillions in lost revenue. And my stepmother considers Musk a “genius.” Holy shit.

• 60,000 federal jobs, many of them critical positions, have been lost under Trump to date.

• Trump has gutted federal programs that protect consumers, and the environment.

• Trump and the GOP have gutted education and crucial public health programs.

• Birthright citizenship, as guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution, is now at risk.

• Horrors in Gaza explode, as Trump has turned his focus to bombing Iran, rather than chastizing Netanyahu, cutting off the flow of U.S. weaponry, and shining a light on Israel’s human rights offenses.

• Supreme Court gives Trump carte blanche on executive orders.

So much good news for all you MAGAs. I close my eyes, and I can see you beating your chests with pride. So, so, so much winning.

I can’t do any more of this. 🤢🤮 And I know, I know, those of you non-MAGAs —this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Next week, after I’ve recovered from having read more than headlines this week, I’ll get to the dismantling of women’s rights, free speech, and the rights of the LGBTQ community. All of this is making my head spin.

BEST SUMMARY OF THIS WEEK’S HORRORS (OBBB) with Senator Chris Murphy:

For those of you who truly care about where our country is headed and how things will play out for your grandchildren, turn off FOX, put on your thinking caps (hint: they should not be red), and read something factual. Then, plan to set aside 3-6 hours a day to lambaste your elected officials, make political placards, and attend protests. Let them know how disgusted you are by what they are doing and how much you disapprove of Project 2025. Tell them in no uncertain terms you have no desire to return to the Dark Ages and that you despise Stephen Miller and Pam Bondi.

Oops! Don’t know who Bondi and Miller are?! Never heard of the Dark Ages?! Holy shit. Click on the links above and watch this entertaining Monty Python video to find out. If you voted for Trump, you voted for these evil folks. Don’t be fooled by Bondi’s soft, blond locks and long eyelashes, nor the fake tits and jesus bling. Bondi can take any boy to the mat in two seconds. If you have brown skin or profess to being a liberal, make that one second.

As far as the consequences of surgically removing my father and his horrible values from my life, Miley Cyrus sums it up best. ❤️

Thanks to my beautiful, queer daughter for this musical inspiration. xoxox