Abysmal Pickup Lines & Other Dating Defects

Things older men say to clarify their preference for spending the night with their right hand

with Penny Cockburn

“How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable.” Dwight Schrute from The Office

In talking with my girl friends, we’re in agreement on this: it’s appalling how older men approach dating. Not surprisingly, many are rusty in the ways of courtship as they haven’t done it for a long while. Those who are smooth… well right there is a huge reason for exercising caution. “Smooth” could mean a lot of things, none of which are good: multiple girlfriends, a lot of “experience,” they’ve thoroughly rehearsed their pitch in front of a mirror or they’re just garden variety creepy. And remember this… STDs are on the rise with older adults. Even in nursing homes. What does that tell you? Yep… better get your parents tested by their nurse practitioner at Golden Haven.

The issue of “stranger danger” as relates to (god I hate to use this expression) senior dating is a thing, though not addressed much by organizations like AARP. So I went right into the recommendations posted online for school children. Here you go: “Never go anywhere with a stranger or accept gifts or sweets from a stranger, never get in a car with a stranger and never go off on your own without telling your parents or a trusted adult.” Solid advice. Since your parents are likely in assisted care or pushing up daisies, just ignore that part. The rest is fucking spot on, including the bit about gifts and sweets.

I don’t care if he’s driving a badass Range Rover, DO NOT accept lavender truffles from this man.

The dating world of today is like the wild west for the over-50 crowd. If you came of age at a time when people actually met in person before going on a “date” and you’ve not dated since marrying your high school sweetheart, you’re in for a big surprise. For some it’s a pleasant one, for others it’s their worst nightmare. The good part is that online dating has been around since the mid-90’s, so most of the bugs have been worked out. Also good: with these huge dating databases you have a much improved chance of finding someone with common interests who’s at your level than you would at a local pub or dance meetup. I have to confess, however, I actually found a really sweet older gentleman on “Salsa Night” at the neighborhood Women’s Club. Damn he was hot in his polished-to-a-sheen cowboy boots and white panama hat, a devilish twinkle in his eye. Sadly Salvador only spoke Spanish, so I couldn’t understand a word he said. Hopefully he was saying something obscene that would have made me blush. After dancing with Salvador for a full set of Buena Vista Social Club tunes, MY GROOVE WAS BACK. Damn.

No hablo español, but Salvador can eat super deluxe nachos in my bed any day. 💃🏻 💋

Regardless of whether you choose to go at it old school style or to forge ahead with an online dating service, you’ve lots of decisions to make and before doing so, you need to establish what exactly you want. Are you looking for a travel companion, a late life sugar daddy, someone to join you for coffee and political repartee or maybe you just want a gigolo who’s down for straight-up sex? So many options. If you don’t figure out in advance what you want, you WILL end up with the wrong guy. For sure. And as is the case with most women, you will try to make it work, even if it’s not what you really want. Fucking A girl! Life is short. Quit doing that shit.

“Just a Gigolo” with Louis Prima

There are any number of online dating sites out there and picking the right one is super important, so READ UP. Give yourself at least a day of exploring the options before settling in on one or more subscriptions. Are you an eHarmony sort or a no-strings-attached gal who’s more suited to AdultFriendFinder? Or perhaps you’re looking for a companion from a specific profession or with a particular lifestyle? You might check out Farmers Only or Dating for Scientists. Quit laughing, this shit is for real. So many choices, so little time, so many awkward dates ahead and so few success stories. UGH. Be sure you’ve got a good friend available for post-date debriefing. You’re gonna need it.

Some gals are a sucker for a lab coat and blue nitrile gloves. Bruce does DNA tests for the family court. A real local hero.

One thing older men seem to have in common when it comes to hooking up, be it in person or online… they are anxious to get it on with you. Impatient, in fact. Yep, some things never change. Now don’t get all judgy on me. This is likely an issue of their trying to pack in that last hurrah while they can still get it up and have the wherewithal to find the agreed upon restaurant on Google Maps. These should be concerns of yours as well, so don’t dilly dally.

Some guys are looking to fill an emotional gap (+ cooking and housekeeping) left by divorce or the death of a spouse. Others have no money, so a BIG head’s up on that. Whatever the situation, best to have in mind what it is YOU want before even making eye contact with these rescue cases. You know and I know, you will be a sucker, especially if “Tom” is cute, has a killer sense of humor, says all the right things and has a clean pressed shirt. Imagine this: dating is exactly like swinging by the animal shelter to peek at puppies. If you haven’t made a decision IN ADVANCE not to get a new forever friend on any particular day, you may be driving into the sunset with a new chihuahua.

Look at that would ya. A two for one sale: Charo and Charlie. Charlie’s eHarmony profile noted they go everywhere together, even on dates. Be sure to bring a lint roller.

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WISDOM FOR THE DAY: Women who know what they want, get what they want.

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This could be your son warning you to get the hell out of Dodge.

RED FLAG TERRITORY

We can laugh all we want on the in’s and out’s of senior dating, but there are some things that are no laughing matter. If it’s been a long stretch since you’ve been on the dating circuit, might be good to review DATING RED FLAGS. Here are some BAD SIGNS that should have you glancing about for an exit:

•      Sharing of dark secrets

•      Texting of nude pics

•      Bringing up his relationship with his savior

•      Buys you jewelry, lingerie and other inappropriate gifts

•      Only talks about himself

•      A fan of Neil Diamond

•      Exhibits hypersexual behavior

•      Bragging, bravado

•      Easily overwhelmed

•      Intellectual jackass

•      Wears cargo shorts on the first date

•      World is against him attitude

•      Defers to you on everything

•      Talks incessantly about his ex

•      Not sympatico with your friends

•      Doesn’t eat vegetables

•      Inconsiderate and/or unreliable

•      Expounds on “women” in the hypothetical

•      Puts you on a pedestal

•      Heads spins 360° when a chick with fake tits walks by

•      Good looking but boring

•      His jokes are not funny

•      Dismissive

•      Drives a mini van with tinted windows

•      Calls all the shots

•      Dissatisfied generally

•      Mentions having done testicle red light therapy

•      Unable to apologize

•      Snoopy

•      Drinks a lot

•      Recommends meeting up at Hooters for dinner

At the risk of sounding redundant, I would also suggest you stay far away from Republicans and evangelicals as a rule or you could end up with the full-monty of bad boyfriend traits. 🇺🇸 💙 🇺🇸 💙 🇺🇸 💙

Do not be impressed by the music director at your church who claims to be a “concert pianist.” “Brian” does a lovely rendition of Für Elise on the spinet in his crowded studio apartment, but could never knock out Rachmaninov’s Concerto #2 in C minor on a 9’ concert grand Bösendorfer. Guaranteed: Brian is doing nothing meaningful in his life and lives off a trust fund, which you can bet he won’t be sharing with you.

The vast majority of dates you go on will not morph into a meaningful relationship. It’s just one of the laws of physics (electromagnetism, I believe), so it’s best to put yourself in the this-may-lead-to-nothing mindset before heading out on any date. You also need to make a plan for how you’ll cut things off if they are not to your liking. In essence, there are two exit strategies: one for the standard nice-to-know-you but-this-is-the-end-of-the-line date and one for when you’ve got to break it off with a resistant/insistent SOB. A nice person deserves a dignified termination, on that I think we can all agree and I found this handy article “How to Break Up Respectfully” on the KidsHealth.org website. Yet another example of where the advice for kids is better than what you can find in the adult publications.

There are three components to any successful EXIT STRATEGY:

• Make a decision that you will leave the minute any guy makes the hair stand up on the back of your neck or that you will at minimum truncate the date before dessert if he’s just an asshole. Have a good friend on standby on date nights.

• Plan out IN ADVANCE, all the possible ways to leave. When things start to head south, try being polite to your piece-of-shit date as you call it a night. If that doesn’t work, engage a bartender or manager’s help. Be prepared to take an Uber home.

• Once home, lock the doors, close the drapes. Respond to any texts or phone calls only once, and only for reiterating your decision to end things. If he continues badgering you, block him. Your message should be short, unambivalent and with NO APOLOGY & NO THANK YOU. Ex: “I am no longer interested in dating and do not want to communicate any further with you.” If he turns up at your doorstep, call the police.

There will be many snarky things you would love to say directly after dating an asshole, but it is never good to poke the bear. EVER. Better to gather your friends around the firepit in the backyard to swap war stories while the lot of you puts back half a case of old vine zin. Just saying.

Just for fun… WORST PICKUP LINES FROM OLD CODGERS

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Did I tell you I’m filthy rich and my mother is dead?

Just had a double hip replacement and need some help with my PT exercises

Let’s do something you can share in the confessional this week

Your lips look lonely, shall I introduce you to mine?

Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap next to my hot tub

I love your glasses!

I’m no weather man, but you can expect more than a few inches tonight

My arteries aren’t the only things that have hardened

Getting lucky (wink, wink) usually means finding my car in the parking lot

Just wait until you see the size of my social security check

I may not go down in history, but I’ll go down on you

That big bulge is for you; it’s my wallet

Here I am… so, what are your other two wishes?

I’d really like to give you a hug, but maybe we could do it somewhere more private?

Alan spends a lot of time on Twitter and is really into overnight oats and long games of Scrabble. He also loves NPR, ACLU potlucks and is a master gardener.

NOW GET OUT THERE AND HAVE SOME FUN!!!