Ain't Love Grand?
The importance of touch and pleasure
Touch. A fundamental human need.
The benefits of touch cannot be underestimated. You have only to remember how it feels to wrap your arms around a loved one or to nestle a baby against your chest, its small body cradled in your hands. The memory could be of you and your college besties snuggled under a fluffy blanket, watching a rom-com. Or perhaps it’s a warm puppy in your bed, tucked behind your knees on a cold, rainy night.
Time to take a trip down memory lane. Light some candles, dim the lights, grab a soft pillow off your bed, do a little spritz of your favorite perfume, and then click through to Colbie Caillat’s sweet caressing voice.
As you gently sway, wrap your arms around the pillow, close your eyes, and transport yourself back to the most romantic evening of your life. Perhaps it was with your current squeeze, if you’ve got one, or maybe it was with your boyfriend from college. Embrace whatever comes to mind. Imagine away.
Try to remember every detail; the feel of his beard on your cheek, the smell of his hair, the warmth of his hand on the small of your back. Perhaps he’s nuzzling your ear, his breath warming your cheek. And surely he’s saying something that puts butterflies in your stomach. As you gently rock to the music, think of the warmth of your bodies against each other, the inside of your arm against his shoulder, and your hand resting on the back of his soft neck. Drift on to the next part of the evening and take the fantasy to its proper conclusion, your favorite ending.
Did your face get flushed? Are you smiling? Isn’t this a fabulous feeling?
Psychologist Gina Vild says, “Research showed that those who intentionally recall and savor positive memories experience a greater enjoyment of life.” The effects of touch are so profound that we can relive not only the thoughts, but the actual sensations many years later. And those vivid memories can cause the release of the same hormones we enjoyed during the original acts of affection. This is good stuff.
Vild goes on to describe these intimate experiences as "Moments big as years,” a phrase coined by the poet Keats, and she suggests that: “Some brief experiences are so vivid and powerful that they remain with us for all of our lives. These moments tend to reflect experiences that are emotionally resonant. In them, we can find both meaning and joy, and they can serve us long after they occur, contributing to our overall happiness and resilience. They are a gift that keeps on giving.”
Touching, hugging, and feeling the warmth of another person, a baby, or a pet causes the release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which in turn leads to the release of dopamine and serotonin, which together produce feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, optimism, happiness, and well-being.
With touch, we thrive. Without it, we merely survive.
THE HEALTH BENEFITS OF SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER PERSON
When you sleep close to someone you love, especially when there is skin-to-skin contact, your body releases a hormone/neurotransmitter cocktail of oxytocin, serotonin, norepinephrine, vasopressin, and prolactin. Norepinephrine helps regulate sleep and reduce stress, while vasopressin helps control blood pressure and decreases cortisol levels, thus improving sleep quality. Prolactin – which induces sleep, also bolsters the immune system. Add to this sexual activity between consenting adults, and even more oxytocin is flowing, plus dopamine – these are the feel-good love hormones. Once these hormones are activated, they flood the brain, causing feelings of happiness and euphoria, leaving little room for bad thoughts and the triggers that release cortisol, the stress hormone.
There is no sleeping pill in this world that comes close to providing what your body can do for itself. And guess what? The “side effects” of this natural concoction include a laundry list of health benefits: lower blood pressure, slower heart rate, deeper breathing, reduced anxiety, reduction in inflammation, a more robust immune system, relief from pain, and feelings of safety and security. What bottled medication can make these brags? None! Skin contact, in and of itself, is so powerful it can send a signal to the adrenal glands to lay off the production of cortisol, the stress hormone responsible for a litany of health problems.
So believe it! Snuggling, hugging, holding hands, kissing, nuzzling, stroking, skin-to-skin contact, massaging, embracing, and sexual intimacy – all of these are great for you! You need to seek out these experiences for optimal physical and emotional health.
INTIMACY CHALLENGES
Time to put on your kindness hat as you consider the impediments that prevent you and those you love from fully experiencing the intimacy they need and desire. There are many things that people imagine make them unappealing or unlovable in the eyes of others. It could be their weight, wrinkly or blemished skin, or a lack of muscle tone. It could be thinning hair, an imperfect smile, or the way their body smells. Eyes and ears may not work as well as once they did, and hands may have become bumbly and less coordinated.
For others, there are medical conditions that cause pain or affect their ability to get around. They worry about surgical scars or deformities resulting from the years of repetitive work they performed – a curved back, a hernia. Then there are varicose veins, hammertoes, and arthritis. And, of course, as we age, there are the inevitable issues of sex organ changes and conditions that affect the way sexual intimacy needs to be practiced.
Imperfections. No matter your age, you need to get good with them. Observe their beauty and learn the story they tell. Then give these imperfections the love they deserve, whether they are your imperfections or those of your partner or friend. When you embrace and worship these vulnerabilities, the loving feelings that will flow between you and the recipient of your touch, warmth, gentle voice, and kind eyes will be sublime.
WHEN THERE IS NO PARTNER OR FAMILY
Not everyone has a special person or family member around for seeking out intimacy. For those who live alone, this can compound feelings of isolation, making finding pleasure and connection imperative. Know that there are many ways to enjoy the same feelings of pleasure experienced by a devoted couple, but it may take some creative thinking and experimentation to find just the right combination.
For starters, a furry companion can help immensely. Establishing loving and comforting routines with a pet provides an outlet for caretaking behaviors, and the warmth and physical contact with a pet can help fill the need for a love connection. Many people also invite their pets into their beds at night for the warmth, comfort, and the feeling of security in having them nearby.
Seeking out activities that touch on all the senses can also be emotionally nourishing. Enjoying art, music, cooking, and being in nature are just a few of the possibilities, and each individual has a unique combination.
Socializing is a rich experience that keeps us from ruminating, encouraging us to think outside of ourselves and to be part of the greater world. Doing volunteer work, visiting the farmers market, joining a political group, or taking up social dancing are just a few of the things that can improve quality of life. Also, consider things that imitate human contact and trigger pleasurable sensations, namely body pillows, heated blankets, and plush bedding. Become a connoisseur of sex toys and literotica and find new ways to experience sexual gratification. Keep your sexual parts in good working order (including your biggest sex organ - the brain), and know that in doing so, you’ll be cued up and ready to go for a close encounter of the in-flesh kind, should it present itself.
Sadly, in our culture, older women’s importance and sexual power are greatly diminished by negative stereotypes in the media, in movies, etc., and by their getting snubbed by men their age who imagine their appearance and sexual prowess worthy of much younger women. This is a sad state of affairs, both for the women who are snubbed and for the men who would snub, especially when the men quickly discover that women in their 20s and 30s are looking at men in their 20s and 30s. Big surprise! Great sex happens when partners connect on every level, which is much more likely in generationally congruent pairings.
So… what’s an older gal to do?! Fear not… there are plenty of options out there. Start by keeping an open mind, think outside the box, and be prepared to find something that satisfies and could provide that “where have you been all my life” moment.
WOMEN FINDING PLEASURE AND INTIMACY IN THEIR GOLDEN YEARS
Some women are exceptionally blessed to have a partner who is all in, a person who intends to stay the course through all of life’s twists and turns. Even in the best of relationships and as bodies grow older and change, it is important to keep the lines of communication open, expressing worries, thoughts, and ideas about what lies ahead. Talking about sex and intimacy and how best to make adjustments can actually end up being quite a turn-on. Be playful in your approach and consider suggesting and then trying new things to do between the sheets. Follow up honestly, communicating about what you do and don’t like and whether you are looking for more or less of the same. Also, consider trying new things that are outside your comfort zone. When your partner suggests something new, try saying “yes.” You might be pleasantly surprised. Varying and expanding your repertoire is always a good thing. It will keep that spring in your step and a twinkle in your eye.
On to all the single older women out there. They, too, deserve pleasure and intimacy. So, what are their options?
Ladies, know this: there are so many possibilities! Generally speaking, it’s best to seek out a lover or sexual adventurer that is just for you… not someone you have to share with a string of other ladies and not a professional sex worker. Though loneliness might make employing a sex worker a temptation, it is not a viable long-term solution, along with that Casanova scenario, both of which come with the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and a less than satisfactory experience on the intimacy side of things. Here are other possibilities to consider:
• Make an arrangement with a close male or female friend to snuggle, caress, and to make any other physical contact that is agreeable to the both of you. This may be a difficult subject to broach with a friend, but it is a reasonable request, especially if it’s someone with whom you are already very close. Your friend may also be craving intimacy, so take the plunge - ask them. If the intended contact is non-sexual, discuss boundaries and in what settings the cuddling is best done, then plan an evening watching movies and enjoying carry-out or, if you’re really brave, try a sleepover.
• Consider dating and becoming intimate with another woman. Sexual fluidity is real, especially for women mid-life and beyond. And it’s no secret why switching sides sexually has become so popular. As the world’s caregivers, women are uniquely in need of restorative nurturing and intimacy. And who can best meet those needs? Another woman - a person practiced in the art of nurturing and caregiving, who also fully understands the female physique. Many older women are discovering that connecting intimately and sexually with another woman is a match made in heaven.
• The majority of single women, however, are still looking for that perfect male companion, though few are having luck finding him through online dating apps. Profiles are oddly one-dimensional, and it may take many dates to find anyone even remotely suitable. To improve one’s chance of success, it’s better to meet men in real, in-the-flesh settings, such as volunteer groups, adult education classes, a hiking meetup, at work, or in the library. If you’re looking for men with a background similar to your own, consider joining an alumni or travel group, or find a favorite political organization to support. Recommendations from friends and family can also yield good results, as can looking for men as you go about your errands in town.
Love, touch, pleasure and intimacy - these good things are for all of us. Open your heart to the possibilities.