Apocalypse Shopping List

Lorinda works out her post-election angst by shopping like there's no tomorrow, and guess what? There's no tomorrow.

with Lorinda Birdwhistle

with Lorinda Birdwhistle

Yeah, it took this long to get up off the floor after collapsing into a heap on election night. Holy shit. Sorry you’ve not heard from me. And poor Jesse. Post-election, no erection. So now, in addition to our spirits being at a low ebb, there is no sex, and you know what that means… time to shop and eat everything in the house made of chocolate and potatoes.

The hard part is deciding what to start hoarding, as we have a limited amount of space up here on the ranch. Between the impending tariffs and Trump’s plan to ship 13.3 million hard-working people back to who-knows-where, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you — WE ARE FUCKED.

Time to shop like there’s no tomorrow because guess what? There’s no tomorrow. These GOP fuckers, the ones who spent more time shooting spit wads in class than studying — they are the braindead geniuses behind those fabulous plans to “stimulate” the economy. Their strategy: send as many brown and black people back to their countries of origin, then tariff the shit out of the global economy, especially CHINA. But let’s not stop there! They’re going to cut taxes ‘til the cows come home, which will take trillions in government revenue out of circulation, in turn, raising interest rates and forcing the closure of vital government services. Can you say air traffic, education, border patrol, weather forecasting, social security administration, etc.? Holy mother of god (lowercase intentional). What business school did these idiots flunk out of?

Alrighty then, you Walmart-loving fuckers. Nadine tells me Walmart’s current slogan “Save Money. Live Better” will be officially changed in 2025 to “Empty Shelves. Empty Wallets. Empty Stomachs.” Not as catchy, but they’re trying to avoid a class-action lawsuit for false advertising.

Walmart, in anticipation of the new tariffs, will be donating all of their regular shopping carts to the soon-to-be homeless university professors, poll workers, political opponents, sociologists, federal employees, anyone disembarking from the Woke Train, women who voted Democrat, Liz Cheney, Fanni Willis, Leticia James, medical professionals, and your grandma. The old carts will be replaced with these spiffy compact shopping baskets. The “deplorable baskets,” as they are called, offer ample room for a few leaves of lettuce and a single mandarin orange — an American household’s food quota from California and Florida after the GOP sends all undocumented workers back to their countries of origin.

Where to begin on my Apocalypse Shopping List? Damn. This is where it gets dicey.

My best bud, Nadine, who’s a member of the LGBTQ community, needs to start with her marriage license (a bargain @ $82), or she is going to be shit out of luck now that the religious right has their holy trifecta — and I’m not talking the father, son, and holy what-the-fuck — I’m talking Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches of the federal government. Pretty sure gay marriage is going to become a thing of the past. And while you’re at it, Nadine, you better clear a space in your freezer and get your “donor,” Hal, from the highway patrol, over to the Redwood Empire Sperm Bank, or your partner Brenda is going to have to do the nasty with him.

Secondly, y’all need to stock up on medical supplies big time, because at the rate things are going with the nutcase who’s heading up Health and Human Services (the Kennedy who didn’t make the auditions for Camelot), and Dr. Wizard of Oz, who’ll be in charge of Medicare and Medicaid, plus all those GOP idiots hellbent on dismantling the Affordable Care Act — y’all are going to need to start performing your own medical procedures, and I mean thoracic surgery, hip replacements, blood transfusions, and my personal favorite — brain surgery.

Fortunately, there are a ton of videos on YouTube about medical procedures, so all of you MAGA fuckers whose schedules are freed up over the holidays now that your GenZ grandkids have disowned you — y’all can snuggle up on your Lazy Boy recliners and watch this super exciting flick on Thoracic Aortic Aneurysms. It appears the 3D diagrams were rendered on the latest software from the early 90’s.

Or… you can continue being completely ignorant and PRAY. Hey, it’s a free country. Your body, your choice. Right?! Yeah sure… if you’re a man. The rest of us (the women you like to fuck) enjoy our Affordable Care plans, and we are truly waaaaaaaay, way past caring about your health issues. We wish you all the luck in the world, you MAGA studs. 🤣😂🤣

As Jesse and I sit around polishing off what could possibly be our last carafe of Peet’s Nicaragua Cabo Azul coffee, we have been considering all the ways Trump could fuck up the economy and are planning our shopping accordingly:

• Trump intends to arrest and send 13.3 million undocumented people back to their countries of origin. Estimated cost to implement: $88B. Industries that will tank for lack of skilled labor: agriculture, construction, gas, hospitality, medical services, food processing, meat processing. States most affected financially: FL, TX, CA. American citizens most affected by Trump’s mass deportation plan: white people who eat food.

• Trump promises to cut taxes massively which will result in the shuttering or downsizing of many essential government agencies for lack of resources. How many soon-to-be-former allies are going to help bridge the revenue gap by offering loans to a country that is throttling them with tariffs? ZERO. Speaking of which…

• Trump plans to impose tariffs on all of our biggest trade partners, which will undoubtedly raise the cost of everything coming into the United States while simultaneously damaging the export market. Brilliant! Gives new meaning to the expression “killing two birds with one stone.” Expect the cost of electronics to go up by 26 - 46% (!!!), as tariffs for Chinese goods are slated to be the highest. Other goods to increase significantly in cost: toys, appliances, furniture, footwear, clothing, groceries, solar panels, anything made with aluminum or steel, gas.

Biggest price increases will be at the grocery store, and there will be huge shortages of food, as the GOP intends to gut the workforce for the agriculture industry and food processing. Migrants and immigrants make up 73% of the agriculture industry’s workforce. Almost 30% of those working in food processing plants are also immigrants. Be prepared; order your copy of “How To Eat In The Woods.” Oops! With all the forest fires from global warming, many of you won’t have a “woods” in which to forage.

And perhaps consider subscribing to NY Times Cooking as you’ll be doing most of your eating at home. Immigrants make up the majority of hospitality staff nationwide. When they’re gone, many restaurants and hotels are going to struggle to stay open. Imagine this: having to serve yourself when dining out. Don’t imagine this: saving money by eating at home. The cost of groceries will be astronomical. 😂 🤣 😂

YOU, trying to find a can of cream of mushroom soup for your green bean casserole. Note the simple clothing patterns — you’ll have no problem making these by hand when it becomes cost prohibitive to buy your favorite stretch jeans and boxy sweaters in that velvety poly-cotton blend.

YOU, being escorted out of the store after failing at finding even one ingredient for your favorite Thanksgiving stuffing.

Lorinda’s SHOPPING & TO-DO LIST FOR LONG TERM HUNKERING DOWN:

😱 Get a home improvement loan ASAP (i.e. before the economy tanks)
😱 Get all your legal ducks in a row, even if you're anticipating a new world order
😱 Get your passport up-to-date; get your financials straightened out
😱 Schedule house repairs (complete before 1/20/25 and the exodus of skilled labor)
😱 Add solar panels and/or get generators
😱 Add a security system; beef up locks and window security; add deterrents
😱 Fences are good; install sturdy, tall ones
😱 Create an idiot-proof communication system
😱 Add shelving to all available storage areas
😱 Replace appliances on their last legs
😱 Buy deep freezers 
😱 Buy devices for protection (fuck - is this where we're at?); learn to use them safely
😱 Get auto repairs done; get tires + spares (many brands made in China and Canada)
😱 Get any looming medical procedures done now, while you've got coverage
😱 Get your health in order; you're going to need strength and stamina
😱 Work on a diet that is nutritious and allows self-sufficiency (think legumes)
😱 Prep as much of your fenced-in yard as possible for gardening
😱 Pair up with people who are 100% on board with planning ahead, being prepared
😱 Get good with privacy; carefully vet those invited to your property
😱 Make a fine art of being frugal in all things
😱 Clean up your social media and get the fuck off X
😱 Start stockpiling: 
     🥫 food, food, and more food
     🥫 water; calculate backup needed; products for making water potable 
     🥫 sanitation products (toilet paper, tampons, toothpaste, etc.)
     🥫 home maintenance items
     🥫 medical supplies (special list for women of childbearing age)
     🥫 seeds, seeds and gardening supplies
     🥫 clothing, shoes/boots, outwear
     🥫 items for warmth in the event of lack of power
     🥫 pet supplies
😱 Chill with people you love; get good with preparing for the worst as it has arrived
😱 Craft a plan for leaving, especially in locations in the U.S. that are unwelcoming

You’ve got this.

THIS. IS. WHY.

Gather your strength. Know we are headed into a bad place. Plan this could be a long stretch. Protect your family and community from the worst. Find pleasure in simple things.

The pandemic was our trial run. We can do this, as we discovered only a few years ago. Once again, time to hunker down.

HUNKER DOWN per Google AI:

Maybe Jesse and I are just being paranoid. When Trump got elected in 2016 I told myself — “It couldn’t get that bad, could it?” Oh yeah, it could. And it did. My guess… we ain’t seen nothing yet; do not stick your head in the sand.

As we’ve discovered from this last election, it’s time to change trajectory. We absolutely need to look to bolder, more courageous and outspoken leaders for ideas, advice, and direction — leaders who are edgier, younger, more tech savvy, more in touch with humanitarian and environmental issues and who think outside the box. And I’m not just talking about national leaders — this needs to be people in your hometown, your cul de sac, at your place of work.

All of us need to consider the nature of what we will be tackling… the psychopathy of the individuals in power. A good starting point for understanding what we are dealing with is The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout (as well as Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door). Both are worth a read. You can’t fight the enemy until you understand the enemy and sociopaths are absolutely predictable. It is their greatest weakness. Time to become on expert on all they aspire to.

Pretty sure Trump’s 2025 Revenge Tour is going to be 100X worse than his pilot presidency. Hell hath no fury like a malignant narcissist scorned. This I learned in dealing with Hank, my ex-husband, who took me to court over 60 times. What a fucker. But I lived to see another day and here I am, now enjoying the best life ever with Jesse Hayloader. My god his balls are furry. Vroom, vroom!

LET IT RIP!