Divorce Garage Sale

Stick it to your cheating ex, make a bit of cash

Apr 24, 2023

Your ex’s failure to pick up his stuff… not your problem, especially as he’s been with “Barbara” in Cabo San Lucas for the last six months burning up all your retirement savings.

Welcome to the era of the “Gray Divorce.” According to the American Bar Association (2022) one out of four divorces is now among couples over the age of 50. And one out of ten divorces is couples over 65. Whoa! I’m guessing no one is truly surprised by this. I mean really?!

Reasons for gray divorces? Topping the list: infidelity, lack of physical and emotional intimacy, boring routines and annoying habits. And for many women (and men, too, to be fair) there may also be decades of unresolved abusive behavior and/or destructive addictions. So once the kids are out of the house, the family pooch has died of old age and both parties clearly have the means to support themselves, WHY STAY?

Consider this… based on longevity stats (77.28 years life expectancy in the U.S.), you may have another 25 - 30 years in front of you. That’s a long time. Some of you may be thinking, do I really want to listen to the same old boring windbag for two or three more decades as he puts me down over toast and coffee every morning? No fucking way.

And you know what, it is really OK to discontinue a relationship that has run its course. Seriously OK. And normal and natural. Every person is unique, with their own needs, desires and preferences.

The reality is we all want something different in life.

Sometimes what we want is wildly different, sometimes subtly different. Either way, you may have reached the end of your relationship’s shelf life. And when things start to get stale, it is often better to split and start anew. Let’s face it: you’ve only one life to live and you deserve to live it to the fullest. And for that matter, so does your partner.

Ellen: super nice lady who’s no longer attracted to Tom. Tom: great guy, minus his hooking up with Ellen’s best friend Debra.

So what are people doing after their late life divorces? Turns out 70% are staying single indefinitely, as in not marrying or co-habitating. And this rate of staying single is 77% if you are female. Damn. That’s a lot of older single women roaming about with time on their hands. Yes, be afraid. Idle hands… well, you know the rest.

Apparently women tend to do better overall as after-50 singles as they have fostered closer family and social ties over the years and they tend to lead a more balanced work-home life. And frankly they are better cooks, and many have had to get themselves off with no help from their partners for the duration of their relationship, so you might say they are self-sufficient in all departments. I should point out that this is according to my non-peer reviewed anecdotal study, conducted among friends over coffee in my backyard. So take it or leave it.

So where exactly do things go from here? Well, “Tom” has moved out (thank god) and is living in the granny unit at your son’s house on the north end of town while procrastinating indefinitely on picking up his shit. You’ve asked him to come get it for months. By phone, by text, by email. It’s boxed, labeled and in the garage, yet Tom can’t seem to bring himself to do the deed (i.e. rent a U-Haul and get his ass over there). He’s making out like he’s too strapped for cash to rent a storage unit plus he’s got some notion the two of you might actually get back together, even after you served him divorce papers at his place of employment. You give Tom a deadline and you tell him in no uncertain terms that if his stuff isn’t picked up by that date, it will be gone forever. But Tom is a stubborn pig. He dismisses your threat, ignores the deadline, refuses to sign the divorce papers and doesn’t bother to call you with an excuse or to beg for an extension. TIME FOR A DIVORCE GARAGE SALE.

Since Tom didn’t bother to sign the previous separation agreement, this is your window of opportunity. Get rid of his shit, make a few bucks and be free of his malingering juju. You’ll be able file for a bifurcation AFTER the garage sale.

This sign says it all… great prices on everything!

While there are so many fantastic items to sell, it’s important to keep the end goal in mind: GET RID OF EVERYTHING. To this end, you’ll want to display things appealingly and to get the pricing just right. And I would recommend a few other touches to reel in the buyers… perhaps a taco truck and a chill bin of Coronas, as well as colorful signage. The wafting smell of carnitas will draw every neighbor to your driveway, especially on a Saturday afternoon and signs that read “Free,” “Reduced Price,” and “Make An Offer” will get the bargain hunters drooling.

These definitely need to go, so just toss them out on the curb on an old sheet. Free tacos for anyone who carts off the whole lot.

Power tools… giving these away will score you points with the men in the neighborhood who you can then ask to fix your gate when the hinges start to sag.

Definitely not for free. But how to price? Imagine how much money you need to rent that Deer Lake Airbnb with a hot tub… there’s your price! Cash only. Venmo is perfect.

Remember all of Tom’s midlife crisis purchases? What a joke… all of those vanity items and his off-the-charts expensive sports equipment (which to this day sits in the garage unused).

Why the hell did he buy these stupid hats… and at $4000 - $5000 a pop! Tom is an insurance broker in Minnesota, NOT TEXAS. I’m thinking you can unload these for about $75 each.

Not sure what Tom was thinking with this purchase. Occasionally he would don his full biking regalia on a Sunday morning, but he never managed to ride this $8500 bike outside the cul-de-sac. I’m thinking $175… perfectly priced for one of the teenagers in the neighborhood.

Then there’s that Beemer that sits in the garage unused. Remember the time you took it in for professional detailing and at the end of the service the manager handed you a ziplock bag with a pair of Swarovski studded thong underwear and a tube of Sisley Paris Phyto-Rouge lipstick? What a day that was. You’ll want to get a bit more for the BMW than for the mountain bike, but as you price it out, consider two things… the money you are saving by not having to engage the services of a psychotherapist AND how much a respray will cost the new owner. I’m thinking $2000 is fair. That’s about how much your landscaping guy makes per week and his pregnant wife could really use a new car. Also, his brother-in-law owns a body shop and can fix that pesky paint issue.

Tom’s abandoned Beemer. Aren’t you glad Tom thought to soften the blow of this vanity purchase by putting the title in your name? Just sign that pink slip off to your friend Arturo and be done with this emotional baggage on wheels.

Someone is going to love this collection of lenses, right? As you probably know, one can now do all the same effects with an iPhone Pro 13. Guess these will have to be give-aways, too.

And you’ll know doubt have several folding tables worth of bric-a-brac: sports trophies, a few laptops, the widescreen TV from the den, Tom’s high school yearbooks, the La Marzocco espresso maker, the Braun Men’s Series 9 electric shaver and Tom’s collection of 1964 Kennedy half dollars. Don’t forget the three cases of Johnnie Walker Black and despite your emotional attachment to the pool table (the first place the two of you had sex), it too has to go. 😂 You’re going to need room for that ever-expanding mosaic studio in the basement.

You’ve got this girl.