Doug's Layer Cake

I got to have his cake and eat it, too

Doug doesn’t need an instruction manual.

Yes, friends, another exciting episode of Doug, the new man not-on-pause. I know you have been waiting for this next installment because I’ve had 12 new followers sign up for MOP in the last two days. And four of them were men. Message received: sex sells.

I’d like to start by referencing my last post, where I stated: “The layer cake Doug was serving up had a raspberry filling on one layer, vanilla bean on the next, and was smothered in chocolate ganache. I PROMISE you a taste of this layer cake tomorrow, so save some room for it.” I apologize for failing to post again until today. I was super busy eating cake. And I can tell you this: Doug’s “cake” did not disappoint.

AN ASIDE: there are many double-entendres in MOP, so do let your mind wander. Happy to send GPS coordinates if you get lost. Just drop me a DM.

Only a cuckoo bird would pass up this bower.

So, let me fill you in on all that transpired because it is good. I’d like to start with a correction. Doug, it turns out, is not a nightingale but a bowerbird. Male bowerbirds are absolutely the coolest. They really put out. As Justine E. Hausheer, a bird expert, notes, their nests are “the most elaborately decorated structure built by any animal — except humans.” These intricate, beautiful nests are designed to lure in the lady, and that they do. If it was me and I was even another species of bird, I would absolutely fly into one of those bowers. Without hesitation. And guess what? That’s exactly what I did with bowerboy Doug. His bower has a gated entrance, and though I was in a total love trance, I somehow managed to punch in the gate code. Admittedly, I had to reference my post-it note seven times for those four digits before getting it right. I prayed there was no CCTV camera trained on my desperation.

I plowed through two speed bumps on Doug’s road while checking out this scenery. This is where he lives. Trust me, Sunday afternoon with Doug was well worth the cost of those four Michelin tires I had to replace.

The drive up to Doug’s property was breathtakingly beautiful – a setting straight out of Outlander, except sadly not Scotland. Also no kilt, but that’s OK. California is good, as were the Calvin Klein boxers. Then there was the house itself, perched up on the hill looking out over these views, sweet cows roaming about. And it was misty and raining, and not kidding… there were waterfalls. I am not making this up.

Doug’s house, besides being gorgeous and filled with beautiful artwork, was immaculate. You could have eaten off the floor after having sex down there. And I would describe the bedroom, but I really don’t want all my girlfriends getting stoked up while they’re at their desk jobs. Let’s just say this, I was ready to spend a lot of time in there.

Off for a hike with this handsome guy. And yes, we held hands.

BLUEPRINT FOR GREAT SEX

Doug, the architect of love, carefully planned out our day, and let me say not only was the overall design exquisite, but it was customized to my liking and included plush bathrobes and, not kidding - spa treatments the day before. I blush to think what I’ve done to deserve all of this. Doug made me feel like a million bucks. The day included lounging and chatting, kisses & handholding, a hike in the rain, kisses & handholding, lunch, kisses & handholding, and you know the rest. OMG. Could I be more happy? I think not.

The key elements for great sex for all you peeping Toms:

• kisses & handholding

• a clean, cozy, nice-smelling love nest

• stash your porn where even your ex-mother-in-law couldn’t find it

• kisses & handholding

• NO ALCOHOL - seriously lay off the booze, if you’re looking to avoid whiskey dick, or beer boner. More HERE. And for women who drink, expect vaginal dryness, sexual arousal issues, and delayed orgasm. More HERE. Of course, it’s your choice. Get buzzed from the sex or get hammered.

• supplies to have handy: water, lube, kleenex (in the event a clean up is needed on aisle 9)

• plush, soft, cushy, CLEAN (for god’s sake) bedding and plenty of pillows

• delicious food and slow, romantic music

• CLEAN THE TOILET

• kisses & handholding

• look and smell your best at all points of anticipated contact 🔥

• be generous with the romantic and naughty words you know she wants to hear

• kisses & handholding

• wear soft, comfortable clothing that doesn’t require a female rocket scientist to remove

You do this, and it will be a FUCKING SLAM DUNK. And take that however you like. Also… most gals like a well-organized guy. That is hot.

IMPORTANT: be sure to thoroughly wash your beard before going back into public, or a lot of people are going to be snickering.

Just saying, this is fucking weird. It looks like a kill room from Dexter. Also, gives off that my-cleaning-lady-knows-we’re-having-sex vibe.

Nice. Ready for action.

COMING UP…

Idiots Guide to Circumventing Autocorrect When Sexting

Great Poems To Get The Juices Flowing