Extricating Yourself From Facebook
Time to get a friggin’ clue and take the nearest exit ramp from the Metaverse
That’s YOU, messaging some good looking FB “friend” named “Scott George” who thinks you are incredibly beautiful and wants to get to know you (and your credit card information) and do you happen to like roses as much as he does?
Let me start by saying this: I am a little sad that so many women I know and love are still using Facebook. Or should I say Facebook is using them? Many of my dear friends spend copious amounts of time on it each day. And some have gone into “semi retirement” just so they might have more time to waste on this fucking idiot platform. OMG. Really?! Gonna say this… your excuses for continuing to support this platform/Mark Zuckerberg/the cheerleading squad from H.S. are abysmal. Here are the most common excuses I have personally heard:
• “This is how I stay in contact with family and ‘friends’” (yes, “friends” in air quotes)
• “To stay on top of the ‘news’” (yes, “news” in air quotes)
• “It’s entertaining” (yes, like on the level of watching your dog lick his balls)
My response to your excuses: “What the actual fuck?!” REALLY?!?!?! I’ll tell you why you’re still on this platform… you’re addicted to it. AND it’s easier than popping a casserole into the oven and inviting your family over for dinner, it takes less effort to read a meme than Pride and Prejudice and it’s your way of demonstrating to everyone in your high school class (fucking A, you graduated like 40+ years ago) that you turned out cooler than they did AND you have less wrinkles. And of course, it is a fabulous platform for showing off your tomatoes, your cooking, your grandchildren, your Christmas decorations, your pets, your hydrangeas, your AR-15, your new golf cart, etc., etc., ad nauseam. And WHO fucking cares?!?!? If you took a what-the-fuck-actual-survey, the majority response would be: NO ONE CARES. Sad, yes, but true dear friends.
Cindy Van Winkle, former head cheerleader, has taken up fishing (for compliments). She posted this pic with “I think I’m going to let my hair go au natural. Does it make me look old?” My response was: “You still look like the arrogant cunt I remember from high school, but those chemicals are bad for the environment, so I say “Go gray Cindy! Rah, rah.”
Trust me, your real friends do not care that you have a perfectly edged lawn bordered with flawless impatiens, the best wig with curls or that you spotted a yellow bellied sapsucker and found more Petoskey stones than anyone else in the State of Michigan. By the way, that’s friggin’ illegal. Know this: the next time I see you post that shit on FB, I’m screenshooting it and sending it to the rangers at Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore along with your FB handle.
This got ZERO likes on Facebook. If there were a “you’re an arrogant ass” button, I would have selected that. This button 🥱 would also do the trick and possibly make it past the rigid “community guidelines.”
Curious… does the thought of closing down your account have you imagining you’ll be heading down the road to severe depression and social isolation? If so, then it’s time to connect with a licensed therapist. DEAD SERIOUS on this. Talking with a therapist (vs. posting yet another picture of your hummingbird feeder) would be time well spent. You could actually, at the age of 60, finally make yours a life worth living. And this by figuring out REAL things you like to do, not just things that photograph well on your Samsung Galaxy. There are a lot of worthwhile activities, jobs, household tasks, volunteer groups, sports and hobbies that you never see on Facebook. Why? Because they’re fucking boring and don’t make good photo ops. No one is going to be jealous of your posts about darning socks, watching old reruns of Judge Judy and making chili. Yet, you love doing that shit, admit it. And crossword puzzles. And watching pimple popping videos at 3:00 a.m.
Tilly friggin’ loves darning socks and it’s a lot cheaper than psychotherapy. If you post real shit like this on FB, you’re gonna have a super short friend list. Facebook = too judgy, too competitive. FYI, darning is trending according to the New York Times (which is much cooler than Facebook). Keep it going Tilly!
Also, zero likes. But whooooo fucking cares! Crosswords are a blast and keep your brain sharp as a tack.
Since no one in their right mind is going to be jealous of your mundane shit, well, that might take all the wind out of your sails, no? If so, enter stage left… your new psychotherapist, one specifically for social media addiction and Facebook. And, if you’re looking for advice on what to do post-social media detox, be sure to check out this GREAT article from last week’s Washington Post: You’ve decided to quit Twitter. Here’s what you can use to replace it. Eh… Twitter, Facebook, whatever. The concepts carry through, especially now that Elon Musk has been crowned Chief Twit.
I digress… Remember “Show and Tell” in grade school? At my school there was a weekly skirmish to see who could bring in the coolest thing from home. Some teachers really stoked up the competitive aspect of it, like Mr. Harvey, who ingested a huge pile of Amway vitamins in front of our class every day during spelling tests. Mr. Harvey gave out prizes (Boston Baked Beans and Sweet Tarts) or if the thing was really cool, he let you set up a booth in the hallway. There was always some goody-two-shoes who had the most beautiful Barbie doll ever or the most rad chemistry set or an amazing plant they grew on their windowsill that ate bugs. My personal fav was when my friend Vance brought a dead snake in his lunchbox. Now that was badass and it resulted in his getting relegated to the back of the classroom for the remainder of the year. Right next to me! 🤡 So… think about FB this way: Mark Zuckerberg has transported you back to 5th grade “Show and Tell” and to that level of juvenile thinking. Facebook = virtual “Show and Tell” for adults.
I think Show and Tell was hard on Todd Bailey’s venus fly trap. That or it was too close to the radiators. Also, not a lot of bugs in Wisconsin in January. Might have starved.
OK, time to get down to it…
For starters, let’s define what is a “friend.” And let me apologize right off the bat for the number of quotation marks you will see sprinkled throughout this article going forward. I will be using them to distinguish between what is real and what is “real.” Examples:
• Kevin McCarthy is a “public servant”
• Nancy Pelosi is a public servant
OR
• Fox News is a “news source”
• Washington Post is a news source
Nancy providing a public service in demonstrating a therapeutic, yet non-violent method for dealing with overwhelming disgust and frustration.
Kevin provides a “public service” by grilling pork chops (note: he needs three supervisors)
All clear?! OK, let’s dig in…
What is the difference between a flesh and blood friend and a social media “friend”? The Oxford Dictionary sums it up pretty succinctly:
The difference seems clear as day. A real friend is synonymous with companion. In social media, “friend” is really a verb (or someone on your list of contacts). A lot of good that list is going to do ya when you’re looking for someone to share a pizza and Netflix on Friday night. Know that you are pretty far gone if you’ve reached the point where you no longer grasp the notion of a friend as someone you actually see in person and hang out with. Harsh, I know, but look on the bright side (if you are one of those folks who spends every Friday and Saturday night with your laptop): you might be the perfect candidate for a remote work position with Meta. Just a thought!
This could be you, “working” with your new “friends” at Meta from the comfort of your porcelain throne. Your avatar looks great in this virtual reality meeting (though you are actually toilet texting in smelly fleece pajamas).
Let’s start with the “WHYs” of why you should leave Facebook. If you are a social media junkie, I’ll keep this simple for you (because sadly you have been eating Cheezits for breakfast every day instead of multi-grain sprouted bread with quality seed or nut butter):
• With FB, you invariably waste energy and time on people you don’t really know or care about
• FB causes your communication skills to atrophy by forcing you to use a format that limits what and how much you can say and that weirdly forces you to pigeonhole your hobbies, skills, “relationship status,” etc.
• FB feeds you a steady diet of useless, overly simplified or outright inaccurate information
• FB demands your attention 24/7 with its numerous prompts and message notifications on every friggin’ device you own
• FB monitors every single thing you do and is mysteriously able to access the contacts on your phone and computers, knows where you shop and what you buy, what you watch on Netflix and what topics are of interest to you. They then bombard you with advertising from every direction based on all of these things. IF THAT ISN’T CREEPY ENOUGH TO GET YOU TO QUIT, then you are hopeless. OMG.
• Mark Zuckerberg is a complete and utter asshole. He is the last person who should hold power over your time, energy and thoughts. And there is no way you should be sharing any of your personal information with this sociopath.
Mark Zuckerberg could care less that his platform has taken your granny down the proverbial rabbit hole. Thanks to Facebook’s user friendly interface, Granny has successfully transferred her life savings to Steve Bannon’s WeBuildTheWall, Inc.
From the infancy of Facebook to its current incarnation, the premise for its existence is a horrible one. Remind yourself of its awful origins by rewatching The Social Network. Or just look at any picture of Zuckerberg. Who in their right mind would want to meet this weirdo in a coffee house with free Wi-Fi after dark?
Evil personified. Believe your lying eyes.
Get your schadenfreude on by exploring the depth of Zuckerberg’s evilness in any of the articles below. If these don’t convince you to give up on the platform, well what can I say? And if you’re too lazy to get beyond the article titles, know this: Facebook has contributed significantly to the proliferation of illegal weapons, child pornography, the Jan. 6 insurrection, right wing violence and to Covid conspiracy theories that contributed to the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people. These are just a few of the evils that proliferate under Facebook’s “genius algorithms.”
A FACEBOOK REALITY CHECK:
Facebook’s ethical failures are not accidental; they are part of the business model
An Ethics Perspective On Facebook
The indisputable harm caused by Facebook
Inside Facebook, Jan. 6 violence fueled anger, regret over missed warning signs
“Why Mark Zuckerberg is the most dangerous person in the world”
‘History will not judge us kindly’: Facebook employees rip Zuckerberg in leaked messages
Pink Floyd to Mark Zuckerberg: You're an idiot, leave our song alone
Mark Zuckerberg Is Now Calling His Employees "Metamates"
Roger Waters calls Mark Zuckerberg 'one of the most powerful idiots in the world'
Mark Zuckerberg has never had a boss—and that’s made Facebook dangerous
Facebook a Hotbed of ‘Child Sexual Abuse Material’ With 20.3 Million Reports, Far More Than Pornhub
Child-Welfare Activists Attack Facebook Over Encryption Plans
Facebook Messenger's role in child sexual abuse online raises troubling questions
Facebook’s ban on gun sales gives sellers 10 strikes before booting them
Facebook Allows Advertisers to Target Users on the Basis of Their Interest in Illegal Firearms
Chicago police blame Facebook for illegal gun, drug sales
It that you enjoying the Arc de Triomphe while shopping for firearms on Facebook?!
Are you ready to make the leap?! OMG, please, please say yes. If so, Consumer Reports has a great (and free) how-to so you don’t lose anything “important” from your Facebook account.
How To Quit Facebook / Consumer Reports
Hopefully your evenings will now be freed up for drinking wine and having sex with that good looking guy who sells mushrooms at the farmers market (whatever his name is).
You enjoying some quality time with Bruce (or was his name Barry?).