Happy Thanksgiving Friends!
Some entertainment for you...
Not gonna lie. I really like canned cranberry sauce. I always have some stashed in my pantry for whenever I get a hankering. This is not something I broadcast to my Napa Valley neighbors who have been busy marinading their pasture-raised heritage turkeys in Thomas Keller’s legendary turkey brine. I’m hoping this recipe gets to you too late, because Keller is a total prick (and a Republican). If you want to hear just how much of an arrogant prick he is, enjoy reading this, then cancel your holiday reservations at any of his restaurants.
This is the first Thanksgiving ever (that I can remember) that I am not spending with family or friends, the thrill of which I am also not sharing with my neighbors as they already think I’m a bit unhinged after my “Free Persimmons for Democrats” stunt. We must have a lot of Democrats in this neighborhood because that box of persimmons was EMPTY in two days. Damn.
FYI dad: there was no “red wave” and Trump’s tax returns are definitely heading to Congress, plus we’re all pretty sure now that climate change is REAL. Even Ron DeSantis, who just duked it out big time with Mother Nature, is getting a clue.
A useful chart for those of you who need more to bicker about at the dinner table. Guess where I won’t be spending the holidays anytime soon… Iowa.
OK, back to the subject at hand. Here's what I’m imagining for my family-and-friends-free holiday:
• Not shopping
• Not spending money
• Not cleaning and making up fresh beds for guests
• Not decorating
• Not tidying up the yard
• Not packing in a last-minute session with the psychotherapist
• Not having to listen to anyone’s horseshit stories and political views
• Not having to watch my (adult) children text through a meal I spent hours cooking
• NOT COOKING
• Not cleaning up
That’s TEN good reasons to give thanks this year. Honest-to-fucking-god. I am TRULY happy for this. And I am positive that all of you who spent years being hardworking, stressed, shagged out single moms can relate (as can those of you with shiftless, dumbass husbands – and I’m not talking about Lori or Ash or Tom or Kent or Zach next door, or Robert across the street, so DO NOT send me an email or text on this subject). And you ladies who were busting your asses to put food on the table, paying for Little League uniforms, art supplies and putting a roof over your kids’ heads, don’t lie… you were feeling shame and guilt that your babies weren’t getting the same picture-perfect holiday celebration that most of their friends were supposedly having. So, you waaaaay overcompensated. Am I right? Yes, I am. I’ll tell you what I did back in those days of yore…
For starters, with my kids, we did not have TURKEY. We started off with a gourmet cheese and charcuterie board (way before that was trending), then we enjoyed Dungeness crab and smoked salmon and every amazing side dish known to the foodies of the Napa Valley, including herb roasted potatoes, heirloom cauliflower with garlic butter, organic baby greens with Dijon balsamic vinaigrette, followed by an assortment of killer desserts from Model Bakery. Our fav was always the fresh fruit tart (@ $45!). Just saying. No one was starving over here, so fuck you to my ex, who let everyone think otherwise.
Not a stock photo, just the most amazing dessert ever: the Model Bakery fruit tart. My kids better friggin’ remember this when they scatter my ashes under the fig tree.
Maybe you would prefer this. Not me.
I know you are wondering (or not) what exactly I am doing today, on Thanksgiving. Me, too! Jeez, I just woke up and realized I have NEVER slept this long EVER. My CPAP machine recorded 11 hours, 15 minutes. Damn! I don’t even drink, so this was not me nursing a hangover. I just SLEPT.
Proof.
I am for sure hanging out with my dog, Sophie. She is the best. Also going to pull out my fucking awesome new flute and play Irish tunes for a couple of hours (or 15 minutes if my chops give out). Gonna sit in my portable sauna and watch “The Cleaner” on Britbox, which is not to be confused with “Cleaner” (note: there is no “the” on the Netflix title – and that show is awful, by the way). The main character is played by Greg Davies, who is fucking hilarious. It’s official: I’m in love with him. Probably going to do a Ricky Gervais “chaser” if I don’t feel like leaving the sauna. Anything by Ricky Gervais, I’m game. Also in love with Ricky.
Greg Davies in a classic Calvin Klein pose. Would love to see this on the side of a bus.
And I’m taking Sophie for a walk. That dog is my super hero. She is with me through thick and thin and she never friggin’ wavers. EVER. Sophie is the number one thing I am thankful for in this world. I know that there are many of you who share this same sentiment about your dogs. If all the stupid politicians really wanted to unite the people in this dumbass country, they would focus on DOGS. Dogs are something we can all agree on. I’m thinking Bidencare for pets, gun control for pet safety, reversing global warming for our pets, etc. And we’ve already got a pretty good birth control system in place for our furry loved ones. I don’t hear anyone up in arms about that, not even the Catholic Church. This surprises me, as I would assume this might be a great source of income for the pope… you know, making your pets tithe. Since humans are supposed to tithe at 10%, maybe 3% for dogs, 2% for cats?
Sophie = Heaven. And no tithing needed for pets to get through the pearly gates. So FU Pope Francis.
And, if I feel like it, I’m going to cook a micro-turkey today (i.e. Cornish hen), roasted-with-nothing-on-it delicata squash, microwaved green beans, some cranberry sauce and grapefruit sparkling water. Sophie loves all the same stuff, minus the sparkling water, so we can share. Apparently the cost of Thanksgiving fare is astronomical this year. Not over here, you fools.
My Thanksgiving Budget
Cornish hen: $1.99 (🎶 “Grocery Outlet, bargain market!” 🎶)
Delicata squash: $1.50
Cranberry sauce (canned): $2.19
Green beans: FREE (from the drive-through food pantry)
Bubly sparkling water: $0.32 (one can)
Trader’s Joe’s gummies: $2.29
GRAND TOTAL: $8.29
Who can’t afford $8.29?! I found that much change in the used-to-be-an-ashtray in my CRV. And let me tell you this… THERE WAS NO STAMPEDE at the store for any of these items. Imagine that.
The table is festively set for my Thanksgiving feast. I’ve got all 11 seasons of Vera cued up, along with The Cleaner. A great 4-day extravaganza ahead. I’ll have a Geordie accent before this holiday is through.
Vera. Would love to see her take over for Pelosi in the House. Kevin McCarthy would shit his pants.
Would also love to see Gordon Ramsey take over with the Jan. 6 committee when Liz Cheney departs, especially when they haul Trump in for questioning. A new series: “Congressional Nightmares.”
USEFUL QUOTES FOR THE HOLIDAYS
Thought you might find these quotes from Chef Ramsey useful over the next few days, especially if you’re staying with your in-laws. Fuck… These are my absolute favs:
“Of course you fucking donut. You don’t put a salad in the microwave.”
“If that’s beef, then I was born in Bangladesh.”
“What are you?!?! An idiot sandwich!”
“Where’s the lamb sauceeeee?!”
“Now fuck off you… you fat useless sack of fucking yankee doodle shite!”
“How can something be fucking ‘delicious’ and overcooked?!”
“What are we waiting for? I’m waiting for some fucking talent!”
“Your ‘special’ has just become ‘not very special’ thanks to dickface there.”
USEFUL GIF FOR THE HOLIDAYS
You can quietly text this to your sister who is sitting on the other end of the dinner table when your dad starts going on and on about gun control.
HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT
Kitchen Nightmares is a FABULOUS way to decompress over the holiday weekend. These episodes are so stressful, you will find yourself feeling much better about your own family and life in general after watching them. I’ve watched nearly every one and now consider myself an expert on all things Gordon Ramsey. Here you go…
Best Kitchen Nightmares episodes with Chef Gordon Ramsey:
AMY’S BAKING COMPANY. Absolute best/most horrible episode of all.
MOST DISGUSTING RESTAURANT REFRIGERATORS. Gird your loins.
BEST KITCHEN NIGHTMARE EPISODES
Here’s some other fun for you…
WORST THANKSGIVING FOOD FOR YOUR TEETH. Probably too late to “plan ahead” at this point, but maybe bookmark this for next year.
WORST THANKSGIVING SIDES. If you have assholes coming to your house next year, plan for a smorgasbord of these.
THANKSGIVING NIGHTMARES. Pics are hilarious.
This is a perennial fav of mine… The Burnt Food Museum. Very outdated website, which makes it even more fun.
And hopefully no one burned down the back deck deep frying the turkey this year. Fried turkey mishaps were the highlight of this week’s news cycle and from all corners of the U.S. of A(holes).:
Wishing y’all the very best. And really glad to be chillin’ here in California. Hope you’re having fun wherever you are. If not, may I suggest you secretly record all of the shit going down with your iPhone. Dolby On is a great app for that. Just saying. Be sure to forward your recordings to me.
Your pal, Chris
Love it!
Haha….nailed it!!!!😂😂😂😂