How Men Flirt
Men are fucking clueless, but then again, isn’t that the attraction?
I think we can agree: 97% of men suck at flirting. Yet, with boundless confidence, they cast out their bait, and more often than not, we fall for it. Hook, line, and sinker. I guess that’s how many of us ended up with children.
Let’s start with some great pickup lines from Buddy Guy, the master of seduction. He’s in the 3% who’ve figured it out. Damn. Hope you’re not at work when you listen to “What Kind of Woman Is This,” but if you are, be sure to pick your panties off the floor under your desk before heading out for the day.
Buddy Guy out in the alley behind Legends, his venue in Chicago. I bet you money the dumpster behind his club is filled with women’s panties.
THE ART OF FLIRTING 101 / The basics for MEN
Fucking get over yourself.
Imagine what a lady might like, then modify that for a woman with a healthy sex drive.
Yes, be funny, and know that self-deprecating humor is sexy. Women love a display of humility, not hubris.
Don’t cross personal boundaries, be they a woman’s physical space, political or religious beliefs, appearance, etc. Most women will give super clear body language when you’ve crossed the line.
Don’t toy with one woman to impress her friend unless you want to spend the rest of your life a few diamonds short on the family jewels.
Yeah… ask some questions about her. Light, casual, kind. Quit looking at her tits.
No bragging. 🤮
Compliments are good but know that women have a radar for bullshit.
Look nice, smell nice. Smile. Maybe wink.
Don’t get drunk, or your pickup lines will turn into hiccup lines.
FOCUS. One gal at a time, or you’ll be surrounded by a coven of women expounding negatively and loudly on your physical attributes below the belt.
THE ART OF FLIRTING 101 / The basics for WOMEN
Wear whatever and a pushup bra. Apply lipstick. Brush hair.
Show up at the bar, beach, restaurant, office, party, laundromat, etc.
Sit there. Say nothing. Smile, if you feel like it.
Leave wallet in purse.
FLIRTING TECHNIQUES DEMONSTRATED
A scene from The Office demonstrating successful and unsuccessful flirting techniques. Take heed, you clueless Neanderthals.
AUTOBAHN FIELD GUIDE FOR NORTH AMERICAN OVER-50 BACHELORS & THEIR MATING CALLS
Habitat: the public pool, lane 4. Mating season: every day, right after the women’s water aerobics class. Mating call: “Shall we enjoy the hot tub after laps, then perhaps get some Thai carry-out?” Ideal mate: any woman in their 30’s.
Habitat: the senior center. Mating season: none. Mating call: scratching noise made by a pencil doing crossword puzzles. Ideal mate: a woman with really low expectations who does all the talking.
Habitat: backcountry 2 lanes. Mating season: year-round. Mating call: “Do you need some help changing that flat?” Ideal mate: anyone with a ponytail.
Habitat: Laundry Delight on Jefferson Street. Mating season: Friday evenings. Mating call: “Might you have an extra token? I’m one short.” Ideal mate: a single woman with a passion for folding laundry.
Habitat: the driveway of his split-level home. Mating season: Saturdays, whenever it’s warm enough to go shirtless. Mating call: “Why don’t you bring your car over and I’ll detail it for you.” Ideal mate: a woman.
Habitat: his ranch at the top of a mountain. Mating season: whenever. Mating call: “Would you like to go horseback riding and join me for a picnic?” Ideal mates: women who like horse movies.
Habitat: a campus bar frequented by 20-year-olds. Mating season: September through May. Mating call: “If you’d like help with your term paper, let me know. I still have office hours available.” Ideal mates: young women failing Comp 101.
Habitat: the hot tub at the Silver Meadow Golf Club. Mating season: every Saturday, late afternoon. Mating call: none, just leering. Ideal mate: any woman who notices he’s desperate and senses he can’t even cook a frozen mac n’ cheese in the micro.
Habitat: the waiting area outside the civil courthouse. Mating season: all workdays, minus public holidays. Mating call: “Looks like you’ve had a stressful day in court. Might you like to join me for a cocktail?” Ideal mates: women going through nasty divorces.
Habitat: Trader Joe’s. Mating season: weekday mornings. Mating call: “Would you like to join me for some Rolled Oats With Ancient Grains and a latté back at my place?” Ideal mates: left-of-center women up for a daytime romp.
Habitat: Winona Lake, Indiana, RV park. Mating season: TBD, divorce pending. Mating call: “You should join me for a Piña Colada. And I’d love to show you the state-of-the-art media center in my RV.” Ideal mate: a woman who likes to camp, has a toy breed dog, and is down to zero on her EBT card.
Habitat: Lake of the Ozarks. Mating season: whenever it’s sunny and over 75°F. Mating call: “Hi.” Ideal mate: None
Habitat: that cute Craftsman bungalow on Pine Street. Mating season: whenever. Mating call: “Would you like to join me for some Chinese carryout and a game of Scrabble?” Ideal mate: any woman with half a brain who’s heard he’s got all the right moves and a furry tummy.
SUPERB EXAMPLES OF FLIRTING DONE RIGHT
Elena vs. Zorro 🔥 🔥 🔥
Make sure there are no children within earshot on this one.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND Y’ALL!!
Ahhhh! I should have known. Your selection was fabulous. Utterly unappealing.
OMG! This is brilliant on so many levels; one of the very best I've read on Substack, next to my own shit (I'm shameless). And one of the few I've said to myself as I read, "DAMN, I wish I'd written this."
I can not believe you don't have a million likes on this one. Thank you for today's joy. Ciao!