How Men Flirt

Men are fucking clueless, but then again, isn’t that the attraction?

I think we can agree: 97% of men suck at flirting. Yet, with boundless confidence, they cast out their bait, and more often than not, we fall for it. Hook, line, and sinker. I guess that’s how many of us ended up with children.

Let’s start with some great pickup lines from Buddy Guy, the master of seduction. He’s in the 3% who’ve figured it out. Damn. Hope you’re not at work when you listen to “What Kind of Woman Is This,” but if you are, be sure to pick your panties off the floor under your desk before heading out for the day.

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WHAT KIND OF WOMAN IS THIS?

The gates of Heaven must be open
I think I saw an angel just walk by
Hey, the gates of heaven must be open
I think I saw an angel just walk by

I heard a blind man screamin', say
Now there goes a sight for my sore eyes
There goes a sight for my sore eyes
Now there goes a sight for my sore eyes

You should be locked up, pretty girl
In my bedroom with me
Hey, you should be locked up, pretty girl
In my bedroom with me

So we can do the same thing that Adam
Did under that old apple tree
What he did under that apple tree
What he did under that apple tree

Buddy Guy out in the alley behind Legends, his venue in Chicago. I bet you money the dumpster behind his club is filled with women’s panties.

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THE ART OF FLIRTING 101 / The basics for MEN

1. Fucking get over yourself.

2. Imagine what a lady might like, then modify that for a woman with a healthy sex drive.

3. Yes, be funny, and know that self-deprecating humor is sexy. Women love a display of humility, not hubris.

4. Don’t cross personal boundaries, be they a woman’s physical space, political or religious beliefs, appearance, etc. Most women will give super clear body language when you’ve crossed the line.

5. Don’t toy with one woman to impress her friend unless you want to spend the rest of your life a few diamonds short on the family jewels.

6. Yeah… ask some questions about her. Light, casual, kind. Quit looking at her tits.

7. No bragging. 🤮

8. Compliments are good but know that women have a radar for bullshit.

9. Look nice, smell nice. Smile. Maybe wink.

10. Don’t get drunk, or your pickup lines will turn into hiccup lines.

11. FOCUS. One gal at a time, or you’ll be surrounded by a coven of women expounding negatively and loudly on your physical attributes below the belt.

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Universal sign language for “you’ve crossed the line, asshole.”

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THE ART OF FLIRTING 101 / The basics for WOMEN

1. Wear whatever and a pushup bra. Apply lipstick. Brush hair.

2. Show up at the bar, beach, restaurant, office, party, laundromat, etc.

3. Sit there. Say nothing. Smile, if you feel like it.

4. Leave wallet in purse.

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FLIRTING TECHNIQUES DEMONSTRATED

A scene from The Office demonstrating successful and unsuccessful flirting techniques. Take heed, you clueless Neanderthals.

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AUTOBAHN FIELD GUIDE FOR NORTH AMERICAN OVER-50 BACHELORS & THEIR MATING CALLS

Species: MR. LANE FOUR

Habitat: the public pool, lane 4. Mating season: every day, right after the women’s water aerobics class. Mating call: “Shall we enjoy the hot tub after laps, then perhaps get some Thai carry-out?” Ideal mate: any woman in their 30’s.

Species: MR. CAN’T BE BOTHERED

Habitat: the senior center. Mating season: none. Mating call: scratching noise made by a pencil doing crossword puzzles. Ideal mate: a woman with really low expectations who does all the talking.

Species: MR. FLAT TIRE

Habitat: backcountry 2 lanes. Mating season: year-round. Mating call: “Do you need some help changing that flat?” Ideal mate: anyone with a ponytail.

Species: MR. LAUNDROMAT

Habitat: Laundry Delight on Jefferson Street. Mating season: Friday evenings. Mating call: “Might you have an extra token? I’m one short.” Ideal mate: a single woman with a passion for folding laundry.

Species: MR. I LIKE WOMEN

Habitat: the driveway of his split-level home. Mating season: Saturdays, whenever it’s warm enough to go shirtless. Mating call: “Why don’t you bring your car over and I’ll detail it for you.” Ideal mate: a woman.

Species: MR. NICE TO HORSES

Habitat: his ranch at the top of a mountain. Mating season: whenever. Mating call: “Would you like to go horseback riding and join me for a picnic?” Ideal mates: women who like horse movies.

Species: MR. PSEUDO NONCHALANT

Habitat: a campus bar frequented by 20-year-olds. Mating season: September through May. Mating call: “If you’d like help with your term paper, let me know. I still have office hours available.” Ideal mates: young women failing Comp 101.

Species: MR. HOT TUB

Habitat: the hot tub at the Silver Meadow Golf Club. Mating season: every Saturday, late afternoon. Mating call: none, just leering. Ideal mate: any woman who notices he’s desperate and senses he can’t even cook a frozen mac n’ cheese in the micro.

Species: MR. I’M THERE FOR YOU

Habitat: the waiting area outside the civil courthouse. Mating season: all workdays, minus public holidays. Mating call: “Looks like you’ve had a stressful day in court. Might you like to join me for a cocktail?” Ideal mates: women going through nasty divorces.

Species: MR. READY, WILLING & ABLE

Habitat: Trader Joe’s. Mating season: weekday mornings. Mating call: “Would you like to join me for some Rolled Oats With Ancient Grains and a latté back at my place?” Ideal mates: left-of-center women up for a daytime romp.

Species: MR. SHE GOT THE HOUSE

Habitat: Winona Lake, Indiana, RV park. Mating season: TBD, divorce pending. Mating call: “You should join me for a Piña Colada. And I’d love to show you the state-of-the-art media center in my RV.” Ideal mate: a woman who likes to camp, has a toy breed dog, and is down to zero on her EBT card.

Species: MR. PUBLIC BEACH

Habitat: Lake of the Ozarks. Mating season: whenever it’s sunny and over 75°F. Mating call: “Hi.” Ideal mate: None

Species: MR. SOCIAL WORKER

Habitat: that cute Craftsman bungalow on Pine Street. Mating season: whenever. Mating call: “Would you like to join me for some Chinese carryout and a game of Scrabble?” Ideal mate: any woman with half a brain who’s heard he’s got all the right moves and a furry tummy.

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SUPERB EXAMPLES OF FLIRTING DONE RIGHT

Elena vs. Zorro 🔥 🔥 🔥

Make sure there are no children within earshot on this one.

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HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND Y’ALL!!