Idiotic Platitudes

Lorinda takes apart all your favorite catch-phrases

Hey there girlfriends and all you voyeur boys who hang out on my blog to see what women talk about when you're not around. Good morning. Bet some of you boys woke up with woodies. 🤣 😂 🤣  This column will take care of that problem in about two seconds. My blog was cited as the #1 cause of ED by Men's Health.

It's gonna be a beautiful day because I will not be stopping in at Nadine's house this morning for a latté, even though it's only 10 steps away from my granny unit in her backyard, and she's got a great espresso machine. You know why I'm dissing her? Because I am sick to death of the stupid, dumbass plaques she has all over her house. I think it is appropriate that the word "plaque" applies both to her stupid signs and that shit the dental hygienist has to sandblast off my teeth every six months.

The plaque I put on my cottage.

Here's my running commentary on these stupid phrases NADINE. Text me a picture of your kitchen and powder room after you've taken all that shit off the walls, and I'll be back to dish the dirt and join you for tater tots and Diet Coke in like two seconds. Leave it up, and you can die alone.

This is the worst of the platitudes and my retorts:

"Money can't buy you happiness."
Said no one EVER.

"When god closes a door, he opens a window."
Hallelujah, because I just put a bundt cake in the oven and accidentally turned it on self-clean.

"Everything happens for a reason."
In the case of your losing that job, it's because you're fucking lazy.

"With all due respect."
Invariably this is muttered by some asshole that is about to take you apart in court.

"Better to have loved and lost."
Lost what? Your pocketbook? Your sanity? Your dignity? Your virginity?

"You can’t judge a book by its cover."
I guess that's why my boyfriend runs around in the nude. The verdict: his junk is good.

"This, too, shall pass."
Right, like after I tap my brakes.

"Bad love is better than no love."
The cornerstone of all religions.

"Great minds think alike."
The catch-phrase for all cults.

"Time heals all wounds."
Minus those pesky billions of mortal wounds.

"Nice guys finish last."
Oh yeah. 😍 That's why all the ladies are cued up. Take a number, beeeeitch.

"We'll all be laughing about this soon."
That's what I told my friend Debra at the start of her 48-hour labor.

"The bible says it, I believe it, that settles it."
Yep. You're an idiot. Settled.

"Honesty is the best policy."
Unless your granny is asking if you like her hat.

"Everybody needs somebody."
In my case, I need a good divorce attorney.

"It's better to be happy than to be right."
Exactly. That's why you should be a Democrat. 

"Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?"
Who the fuck buys a cow to get milk? 

"You can be anything you want to be."
After manifesting my desire to be svelte and rich for 40 years, I can say with authority this is bullshit. 

"Let me know if you need anything."
Sure: a new life. Maybe swing by Home Depot.

"It's not rocket science."
My excessive use of this expression was cited as grounds for divorce by my ex, Hank.

"What doesn't kill you will make you stronger."
I would say this: "What doesn't kill you makes you resort to stronger language." 

"All men are created equal."
Yes, they are. Equally clueless.

"It takes one to know one."
I'll leave it at this: I know an asshole when I see one.

Have fun today, girls! Behave all you boys!

Yours truly, Lorinda Birdwhistle.