If I Were Pope
After nearly 2000 years, it's time for women to lead the Church and the World
As Pope Francis languishes in a hospital bed (and let me tell you - he ain’t looking good), it’s the perfect time for Catholic women, sisters, nuns and laywomen to join forces and start KICKING ASS. Yes, I am suggesting you kick the Pope while he’s down because while he’s down, you can bet the College of Cardinals is brainstorming big time via email, text, and Zoom. And they are talking. And watching the news, and plowing through the social media feeds…
“Who should be the next pope? A brother with a progressive agenda? Or someone who will take us back to the good ol’ days of the High Middle Ages?”
“How are we going to convince this next generation of women that our all-male leadership is both divined and desirable?”
“Do we want a brother who will downplay the issue of sex offenders in our ranks or someone with the cahoonas to address the elephant in the Sistine Chapel?”
Surely, the Cardinals are also abuzz about the world’s growing political turmoil, in the United States, in particular. There is a direct correlation between religiosity and right-wing extremism, and though the Church has not (yet) openly embraced these emerging totalitarian regimes, it is clearly benefitting from their promotion of “traditional” family values, pronatalism, and their anti-abortion and anti-contraception stances. The Cardinals will want a pope prepared to cozy up to and strategize with emerging autocratic leadership, as did Popes Pius XI and Pius XII during WWII.
Also of importance — a pope who will keep women in their place. The Cardinals and Pope Francis have made abundantly clear their opinion on women’s roles in the Church. They continue to reiterate that women cannot be priests — never, ever, please quit asking. To support their position, the Church has been regurgitating historical mishmash on appropriate roles for women in the Church — gobbledy goop that goes back to the mid-20th century (yes, 78 years ago). All of this is weakly supported by scripture — scripture that has been both taken out of context, and derived from the most biased and least scholarly translations. The arguments meant to prevent women from being leaders are archaic, transparently misogynistic, and circular — the Church incapable of thinking outside the box it has made for itself. For a full rundown on the Pope’s take on women, enjoy, “Don't reduce women's role in church to the question of ministry,” from the United States Conference of Bishops website. Gotta love that backhanded approach to tackling the delicate subject of equality. Oy veh!
A favorite quote on the subject of women in the priesthood comes from “Some Scriptural Arguments For The All-Male Priesthood,” by David P. Lang in Catholic Culture, a nauseatingly pendantic publication with a male-only world perspective. Ironically, the article’s circle jerk logic comes from a man with PhDs in both philosophy and mathematics. Ladies, you’ll want to up your blood pressure medication before digging into this article. Seriously. The following passage not-so-clearly explains why men alone possess the necessary qualities to be priests:
“Only males, however, possess the biological capacity of begetting outside their bodies (however transitory their function), while never conceiving inside their bodies. On the other hand, in procreative congress females conceive only inside their bodies and can never beget outside their bodies by inseminating a cooperating mate (although, after an immanent process of gestation and labor, they do eventually give outward birth to progeny). This indicates that females naturally mirror the receptive immanence of the cosmos awaiting impregnation from without in order to bear fruit from within (see Rom. 8:22-23, RSV, about the inward "groaning in travail" of creation). In addition, the copious number of highly motile, teleologically directed sperm cells released by the male (like abundant, tiny rain droplets watering parched soil) reflects the prolific generosity of the Creator in lavishly ensuring the propagation of the species, whereas the comparatively passive state of the proportionately larger female ovum (like an apparently inert or dormant seed hidden in the recesses of the ground) images the indigence of the barren earth. If we apply this generic male-female dialectic to humanity and invoke the Catholic sacramental perspective on reality, it follows that men alone are suitable candidates for priestly ordination.”
Lordy, lordy, lordy. I pity this man’s wife, if, in fact, he has one. I would loath his “tiny rain droplets” landing in/on my person.
In his interview with Norah O’Donnell, the Pope could not be more clear about his thoughts on women acting as priests and deacons in the Church. “No” and “no.”
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One of the most unsettling arguments the Church puts forth in defense of their all-male clergy edict is from the Vatican document "Inter Insigniores," which states that priests are to be the “image, sign, and representation of Christ before God.” Pretty sure male priests who are pedophiles, hebephiles, and ephebophiles are not a proper “representation of Christ before God.” Sexually assaulting children — not a Christ-like characteristic. So why, praytell, does the Church continue to push this all-male concept when it has failed so miserably and has created a culture of clergy that is bent?
And there is clearly a correlation between Church leadership being all male and celibate and its being out-of-touch with the real world… with family issues, sexuality, children, marriage, birth control, and women. Priests are also out of touch with real-life men — men with families, men who are out in the world working. This unnatural disconnect priests have with the people they serve surely affects their ability to empathize, serve as role models, and guide with wisdom and practical understanding. The Catholic all-male clergy culture has also been the perfect hiding place and hunting ground for sexual deviants.
One of the Church’s other arguments in favor of an all-male cast in their historical melodrama is that all of Jesus’ apostles were male. So, what? Jesus never declared that only men would be allowed to represent the church and his teachings. Also of note: the list of apostles varies throughout the bible, indicating that they were, perhaps, not a fixed group. The other big bit glossed over by the Church is the fact that Jesus regularly worked and traveled with women, some of whom were considered his most important disciples and whom he trusted to act as ministers of his word. Women were among some of Jesus’ most devoted followers, and unlike other religious groups of his time (including Judaism), Jesus allowed these women to take part in his Church. On numerous occasions, Jesus proclaimed that men and women were EQUAL in the eyes of God. Equal. Equal. Equal. Got it, ladies?
And since we are reviewing the many ways the Church has been slippery in its presentation of facts, it should be pointed out that the early Catholic Church actually did ordain women as priests, and it even allowed female bishops. This we know from the many half-erased inscriptions that mention Church leaders with names like “Theodora Episcopa,” etc. The point: even the Church’s argument that tradition dictates how things must be done is bullshit.
For nearly 1500 years, the Church’s goal has been to condition girls and women to believe their place is in the home and as man’s “helper.” To this end, Francis’s successor will be expected to carry on the Church’s tradition of female repression and servitude — through antiquated rules on birth control, marriage, divorce, and motherhood and by trivializing women’s place in the Church hierarchy. Know this: few of the Church’s rules have a basis in scripture. The bible does not explicitly mention abortion or birth control, nor does it disallow divorce altogether, as the Catholic Church does. The Church (not the bible) teaches that a consummated marriage cannot be dissolved except by death. Celibacy being required of priests — also not in the bible. In fact, the true reason celibacy is required of the Catholic clergy is so the Church’s leadership is not passed on to heirs. The Church’s goal is to continue as a meritocracy.
These are the issues that keep the Cardinals up at night. Their agenda for the Church, as always, revolves around money and POWER. Anything that might impede their influx of cash or topple the Pope’s position as “king” of the Church, which is, in essence, a monarchy, would be considered a major threat. Women and children — eh. They don’t really factor into either the power or the money, do they?
This turning point for the church, which has been brought about by the Pope’s ill health and political volatility worldwide, has created what might be described as a “window of opportunity.” This is the chance Catholic women have been waiting for — a point of weakness in the Church during a time ripe for change — for women. It’s time for Catholic women, and Christian women of other denominations, to make known their disappointment with the status quo and their being iced out of church leadership.
To have the most impact, action needs to be taken immediately, before Pope Francis dies and the Cardinals are sequestered and thus kept from outside influences. It is at this moment that the weight of Catholic women’s dissatisfaction and their financial power must be felt — before the Cardinals head into their papal conclave. The goal: snap the Cardinals out of their visceral fear of change before they begin the process of choosing the next generation of leadership.
To be convinced change is needed, the Cardinals need to see empty pews and watch their coffers dwindle precipitously. Only then will they understand where the real power of the Church lies and only then will they address the transformation expected by their female parishioners.
The Cardinals and the Pope need to be reminded that women are the Church, not just appendages popping out the next generation of Catholics that will fill their coffers. Women make up the majority of Catholics, both in terms of membership, church attendance, and in serving the Church. There are over 600,000 Catholic nuns and less than 465,000 priests, bishops, and monks. Of the 1.34 billion Catholics worldwide, over 58% of them are women. By the numbers, women hold an incredible amount of power in the Church, yet they continue to be refused leadership positions. If women were to boycott mass and withhold their offerings, the Church would be in freefall. The Cardinals and the Pope seem to have lost track of this reality. It is incumbent on women to show the Church leadership what could happen if it continues with its egregious behavior.
Ladies, now is the time to UTILIZE YOUR POWER! The world needs a more caring and inclusive Church, one that practices what it preaches and does everything in its power to protect children, the poor, and all other vulnerable populations and to put pedophiles, hebephiles, and ephebophiles in JAIL. The Church also needs to develop a culture for the clergy that is psychologically healthy, supports priests in living a life that offers the same challenges and joys their parishioner’s experience (i.e., married life), and that has a selection process that weeds out potential clergy who, for safety reasons, should not be in contact with children or other vulnerable people (i.e., sociopaths). Nearly fifteen hundred years in, the Church’s all-male leadership has failed to accomplish any of these things. It is time to bring women into the fold.
With nearly 1.4 billion Catholics worldwide, the Church has the ability to effect significant and positive change throughout the world. Women are the ones who can make that change happen and who could be role models for the world.
Catholic women must stand up to male opposition and insist the Church focus on the priorities laid out in the bible. A beautiful summary of these priorities can be found in the “Seven Themes of Catholic Social Teaching” by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.
Catholic women, it is your time to lead the Church. By following these tenets, the Church can be returned to being a force for good — an institution with heart. Step out of the shadows and start taking action.
The “Seven Themes”
• Treat human life as sacred; respect the dignity of all people
• Answer the call to family and community; work together for the well-being of all
• Protect human rights: the right to life, to live with dignity, to have basic needs met
• Put the needs of the poor and vulnerable first
• Protect the dignity of work and the rights of workers
• Work for solidarity; love one’s neighbor
• Care for the earth
It’s hard to imagine a better set of tenets to live by — whether you’re Catholic or not.
Where Things Are At
For those not up-to-date on things, know that Pope Francis has done diddly squat for women, children, the LGBTQ+ community, and Catholics living in countries with severe human rights abuses (which is, ironically, where the Church sends many of their errant priests). Most notably, the Pope has failed to bring closure to the hundreds of thousands of people sexually abused at the hands of priests, and Pope Francis gets to take full credit for the large number of excommunicated pedophile priests who continue to have access to children. These priests, whom the church deemed “credibly accused” of their sexual abuse crimes, were quietly set out to pasture by the church rather than being turned over to law enforcement. The Church’s decision to discreetly shove the rapists in their ranks out the door, rather than turning them in to the police, means that thousands of excommunicated priests are now in pastures close to schools, playgrounds, and the like, rather than being in jail where they belong.
Ladies! Wake up! Is this the kind of Church you want to be a part of? If women were leading the Church, do you think they would have allowed these sorts of transgressions to go unpunished and for the Church’s reputation to take precedence over the wellbeing of children and other vulnerable people? Unlikely.
And would the Christ you worship have been on board with the Church’s actions (or lack thereof) regarding the rampant pedophilia in their ranks? Absolutely not. And neither should you.
The time to act is now — broadcast your disappointment and make your demands. This is not about giving up your religion. It is 100% about rooting out corruption in your Church and returning it to the foundational tenets of Christianity. The only way to do that is to force the issue of women becoming a meaningful part of the Church’s leadership. Fifty-eight percent of the Catholic Church is women, and its leadership should represent that.
Women need a more impactful role in all of society, but particularly in religious institutions — all of them, not just the Roman Catholic Church. This can only be accomplished by bombarding the Church with messages of dissent, broadcasting the Church’s transgressions to the world, and starving them of your hard-earned money. Words alone will not do the trick; action is required — something that Church leadership can feel. Empty pews, empty coffers.
The Church’s all-male leadership has had nearly 1500 years to make things right, and they’ve not done so. They drag their feet, they walk back their promises, they turn a blind eye to the evil before them. It is your responsibility to hold their feet to the fire.
Let’s take a close look at what the Pope has done for women during his pontificate. Sadly, it’s not much. Yes, he says all the right things and has supposedly made progress toward increasing the role of women in the Church’s leadership. The Pope praises women and enumerates their many virtues, but his actions say something altogether different than his flowery rhetoric.
According to the Vatican’s puffed-up proclamations, the Pope has increased the role and recognition of women within the Catholic Church in numerous ways. He has appointed women to senior Vatican positions — 20 positions, to be exact — this when there are literally hundreds of Cardinals, Roman Curia, Bishops, Priests, and Deacons in the Vatican. All men. The other “bright spot,” as pointed out by the Church’s publicist, is that Pope Francis now allows “women” to vote at bishops' meetings. Wow! Now that’s a big change, right?! Ah, maybe not… since it’s really only a single woman voting (yes, 1), and there are nearly 5600 male bishops. I call this fake progress.
But that’s not all! The Church now allows women to participate in the lay ministries of Lector and Acolyte. This means select women get to hand out communion wafers, decorate and tidy up the altar, and do the occasional scriptural reading during mass. Holy toots! Now there’s some progress — right? Are you kidding me? What century is this?!
Let’s review the math on the Church’s changing attitudes toward women: there are now twenty-one women in Church leadership positions (weighed against the 407,000+ priests worldwide + 5600+ bishops + 225 Cardinals + an untold number of other Church leaders). And let’s not forget the occasional woman honored with doing menial tasks for mass. Pardon my French, but wake the F up, ladies! You have permission to be pissed.
Remember this: the Pope has immense power. He holds, in essence, the full powers of the executive, legislative, and judicial branches of the Church. He answers only to God. If the Pope appears unable to effect needed changes, it is most likely because he, himself, does not really want those changes.
And when these crusty old (all-male) theologians, cardinals, and bishops argue that priests are to be male because they were meant to “act in the person of Christ,” who was obviously male, ask them if the thousands of priests credibly accused of sexually abusing children were “acting in the person of Christ.” Pretty sure Jesus Christ would be have been insulted by that. In fact, he’d probably file a lawsuit for intentional misrepresentation.
The Church’s rationale for not ordaining women is weak and not clearly supported by the bible. When the Church references biblical passages to back its arguments, never does it consider the context of the quote or the culture and times represented. The most popularly quoted passage used in defense of all-male clergy is from 1 Timothy 2:12-14: “I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet.” Pretty vague and completely devoid of any discernable context.
The only quasi-valid argument the Church puts forth in support of all-male clergy is “tradition.” Tradition. Hmm. It would seem that many of the Church’s “traditions” need cutting off at the knees. Let’s start with the tradition of abusing children and round things out with the tradition of leaving women out of the Church’s leadership.
What Lies Ahead
About 15 to 20 days after Pope Francis dies (or resigns), the Papal Conclave will be convening at the Sistine Chapel to elect a new pope. Once that Papal Conclave is in session, Cardinals will be forbidden from communicating with anyone outside the Chapel, and they will not be allowed to read newspapers, listen to the radio, or watch television. This is to prevent any influence from the outside world. The votes of those in the conclave will be predicated on finding a person who has the fortitude and intellect to deal with the Church’s current challenges. Women, children, and abuse victims will automatically be at the bottom of their priority list unless your protests are widely felt. Unless you become their challenge. Squeaky wheel, girl!
The point: now, before the conclave begins, is when women need to make clear to the Cardinals that their time is up — no more ignoring the plight of sexual abuse victims, no more shoving off the issue of female priests and deacons, no more covering up the sins of the Church at the expense of more children being harmed by sexual predators. Church leadership needs to get with times, and it needs to prioritize the welfare of all of its flock, not just the welfare of those in power.
How to get the Cardinals to listen? CUT OFF THE MONEY. Quit attending services. And then… connect these actions to your words of disappointment, which should be sent to the Pope, your local priest(s), your local diocese, and your hometown newspaper (do a to-the-editor or op-ed piece). Consider spreading your discontent on social media via posts on topics of concern or your local parish’s Facebook page. Post on your priest’s social media, if he has any, and respond to posts put out by Catholic publications, educational institutions, and groups for clergy and laypeople.
Out the bad things the Church has done! Do it for those whose voices have been dimmed by abuse and those too fearful to speak out. Do it for women.
If you still haven’t a clue as to the extent of the abuse by priests worldwide, take a dive into the Wikipedia article on this subject. If you are one of those Catholics who hasn’t bothered to look this monster in the face, well, shame on you. That is F’d up. If, after looking at these facts, you are still a fan of the Church’s leadership, well, there is a special place for you, and it’s not in my neighborhood.
I know, I know. None of this sounds very nice — going after the Pope and the Church while his Holiness is on his deathbed. But then again, perhaps Pope Francis doesn’t deserve nice. Read the articles, watch the documentaries, then draw your own conclusions.
Another Important Consideration
According to Church doctrine, if you intentionally ignore someone who is in pain (when you are able to help), that is a SIN OF OMISSION. You are violating God’s call to love and compassion. By ignoring the victims of sexual abuse, when the facts are right in front of you, you are enabling the abusers. By giving money to a Church that allows sexual abuse to flourish and then releases the abusers to the outside world where they commit more harm, you are sinning. It’s pretty simple.
And for those who contribute to the Pope’s special funds, know that the vast majority of your money has gone in directions other than toward those in need. A good example of the Church squandering your money is Pope Francis’ “Peter Pence.” Only 10% of your contributions to that fund actually help those in need. The majority goes toward paying down the Vatican’s budget deficit.
Where To Go From Here
It is the Church’s sexist priorities, namely male dominance and power, that define this religious institution. The Church indoctrinates women from an early age to believe they are inferior — that they are just “man’s helper.” Also taught is the notion that it is God’s will that women acquiesce to male leadership, both in the home and the Church.
Sorry, girls… but really? Is this what you believe? When you read the bible, is this your interpretation of its message? Hopefully, at least some of you are shouting, “Hell, no!”
Catholic women, you are so very important in this day and age! Why?
• Because you are women, and as such, understand women’s challenges, needs, and aspirations
• Because women, like you, prioritize the things that make the world a better place
• Because women, like you, understand how to care for living things
• Because women, like you, have native intelligence and strength which is valuable to the Church, your families, and the world
• And because you, Catholic women, are a force to be reckoned with: 812 million strong!
The time is now to cause some major chaos — chaos that will prevent the world from falling into the hands of radical conservatism, authoritarianism, ultra-nationalism, and nativism. None of these political systems support true Christian values. Not a one, and that includes Trumpism. And none of these emerging political systems bode well for women. Or children. Or vulnerable populations.
For those with trepidations about setting aside what they have been taught, consider this: your “gut” is one of your God-given instincts. Trust it. Show God some respect and gratitude by putting your instincts to good use.
And remember this: the Church is just an institution, the Bible is God’s word as interpreted by imperfect men, and the Pope is just a man with whom you are an equal. This, according to the bible.
“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:26-29
Now get to doing the work that needs to be done.
WHERE TO COMPLAIN & SPREAD THE WORD
Bishops, Archdioceses, etc. The Hierarchy of the Catholic Church / a listing of all bishops, dioceses, Roman Curia, etc. Includes contact info. plus website links.
Local parishes, local priests, local newspapers
Social media: Facebook, Threads, Bluesky, Instagram, Reddit, Quora, X, Substack and YouTube. Search for current posts on Catholic-related topics and reply with links to pertinent information.
Catholic Church-related publications: Catholic Digest, Catholic Journal, US Catholic Magazine, Crisis Magazine, Faith Magazine, Catholic Telegraph, Northwest Catholic, The Catholic Network, Catholic World Reporter, Catholic News Agency, Heralds of the Gospel, Catholic Insight, Commonweal Magazine, Catholic Herald, America Magazine, The Angelus, Glenmary Challenge, Liguorian, Maryknoll, ONE, St. Anthony Messenger, Catholic News Service, National Catholic Reporter
ORGANIZATIONS TO JOIN
The Women’s Ordination Conference
Catholic Network for Women's Equality
Christians for Biblical Equity
The National Council of Catholic Women
The World Union of Catholic Women's Organizations
MOVIES & DOCUMENTARIES TO WATCH
Women Erased Series / Deborah Rose Milavec of Future Church; a must-watch for Catholics
For Our Daughters / a gripping documentary about Christian Nationalists and the patriarchy whose tenets will cause untold damage to our daughters; disturbing themes of the feminine ideal that are echoed in all of Catholic theology
Faith, power, manipulation - The secrets of the Opus Dei sect / Deutsche Welle
Spotlight: Break the Story. Break the Silence. / Open Road Films; Academy Award and Screen Actors Guild award
The women fighting to be priests / BBC World Service Documentary
Why Are Gen Z Women Leaving the Church? / Question of Faith Podcast
Norah O’Donnell full interview with Pope Francis / CBS News
Why Young Women Are Leaving the Church More Than Ever / Relevant
A Church in Crisis / Catholic News Service
Jesus’ Female Disciples — Do Christians Have To Rethink Their Faith? / Free Documentary History
Lydia, Phoebe and the Women of the Early Christian Churches / We Are Church Ireland
Conclave / from Focus Features; Academy Award and Golden Globe winner
Procession / Netflix Film
Artfully Deceptive: Setting the Record Straight on the Movie “Conclave” / Benedictine College, Atchison, Kansas
‘Conclave’: Is It Anti-Catholic Propaganda Or An Oscar-Worthy Film? / Religion Unplugged
Mea Maxima Culpa: Silence in the Church of God / HBO Original
Examination of Conscience / Netflix series;
The Keepers / Netflix documentary
Prey — Surviving the Catholic Church / Gravitas Documentaries
Sins of the Church: The Disturbing Transfer of Fallen Priests / ENDEVR
Breaking the Silence: Untold Stories of Abuse in the Church / Real Stories
IMPORTANT READING TO DO
Women Remembered: Jesus’ Female Disciples / Joan Taylor and Helen Bond
The pope’s absolute power, and the problems it can cause, are on display in 2 Vatican trials / Associated Press
The Pope’s Feminism: Progress for Women, Just Not Too Much / The Walrus
Artifacts show that early church women served as clergy / National Catholic Reporter
Women’s Ordination Conference / a feminist voice for gender equity and women’s ordination in the Roman Catholic Church
Christians for Biblical Equity / a group that works to educate, advocate, and liberate women and men from Christian patriarchy
Top Ten Reasons To Ordain Women / Women’s Ordination
Norah O’Donnell full interview with Pope Francis / CBS News
The Catholic Church’s grim history of ignoring preistly pedophilia - and silencing would-be whistleblowers / The Conversation
Will A Truly Honest Bible Translation For Women Ever Be Made
Will A Truly Honest Bible Translation For Women Ever Be Made, part 2
Ordination of Women / Wikipedia
Women and religion / Wikipedia
Seven Themes of Catholic Social Teaching / U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops
Catholic Church sexual abuse cases by country / Wikipedia / documentation showing the extent of the Church’s massive sexual abuse crisis
Humanae Vitae / the Church’s take on contraception
The global scale of child sexual abuse in the Catholic Church / Aljazeera
Catholic Church sexual abuse cases / Wikipedia
What Does the Bible Say About Homosexuality? / Human Rights Campaign
Most priests accused of sexually abusing children never went to prison / USA Today
A Disappointing 10 years of Pope Francis on Abuse / from National Catholic Reporter
Curial response to Catholic sexual abuse / Wikipedia
Hierarchy of the Catholic Church / Wikipedia
More than $5 billion spent on Catholic sexual abuse allegations / National Catholic Reporter
Casti Connubii / On Christian Marriage / Pope Pius XI, 1930
Only 10% of the Pope’s charitable fund goes to the needy / Wall Street Journal via the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation
The Pope and Mussolini: The Secret History of Pius XI and the Rise of Fascism in Europe / Pulitzer Prize-winning book by David I. Kertzer
Egalitarian Options for Christian Worship
Evangelical Lutheran Church in America
Covenant Order of Evangelical Presbyterians
Christian Church Disciples of Christ
How to Find a Church that Empowers Women / Christians for Biblical Equity
I liked this post very much. As an atheist, I am not qualified to provide any opinion. I did try Christianity, it just wasn't for me.
Chris - just wow. A stunning piece. So much here. Theologians have been twisting themselves into pretzels since Saint ("babies that die before baptism go to hell}) Augustine to argue a thousand points of domination, rank stupidity, and utter pointlessness -- indeed sedimentary centuries of "circle-jerk logic". They recycle-bong their own methane so much they're permanently high off it. I almost barfed my lunch when read that Dr. Lang stuff. What a tool. He's ready-built for the Supreme Court. But hey ladies! why are you NOT satisfied just to "mirror the receptive immanence of the cosmos"? Sounds grand, yeah? Is he kidding with this horse-shit? Meanwhile, his glorious males get cast as "highly motile, teleologically directed sperms". If they are so divinely designed, Lang, so "teleologically directed", then WHY does it take 300 *million* of these pathetic losers just to hit a single relatively enormous target the cell-size of Baltimore? Maybe one succeeds, but only by blind luck. All of them haven't the slightest idea what they are doing -- just bashing about aimlessly, high-fiving, you know like Congress and the Church.