Introducing GOP-1: the Government Obesity Program
Republicans force reductions on American waistlines — and dignity
So what, exactly, is the GOP-1 Program?
It’s a curated collection of Republican policies inspired by Project 2025’s “Mandate for Leadership,” purportedly designed to help Americans slim down — not through diet and exercise, but through the radical simplicity of having less food.
Can’t afford expensive GLP-1 weight-loss injections? No problem. The GOP-1 Program is absolutely free. No prescription required.
Simply lose your food assistance, or your mind, when you discover that your paycheck no longer stretches to the end of your grocery list because household items, produce and meat, gas, cars, computers, phones, housing, mortgages and auto loans, utilities, and health insurance continue to climb in cost. Involuntary calorie restriction, resulting from not being able to afford food, does all the hard work of dieting — pounds (and muscle tissue) melting away like soft-serve ice cream on an August day in Alabama.
“GOP-1” is an innovative wellness plan that replaces Ozempic with empty cupboards and refrigerators.
Let’s take a look at these groundbreaking public health initiatives…
The SNAP Diet™
The SNAP Diet™ and Benefit Reduction Cleanse debuted shortly after the passage of the One Big Beautiful Bill Act. Unlike overpriced GLP-1 injections, the SNAP Diet is a refreshingly simple, one-step program:
Step 1: MAKE FOOD HARDER TO AFFORD!
H.R.1 — the expansive U.S. federal budget reconciliation act — was used to justify throwing roughly 4.7 to 5 million Americans to the wolves (i.e., taking away their SNAP benefits). Nearly half of the households affected by changes to SNAP included children, and among the 20 states that track age-specific enrollment, it was determined 776,000 children had lost food assistance — suggesting the nationwide total (with all 50 states considered) was now close to 2 million children.
Wow! That’s a lot of kids who won’t be obese! Impressive.
Another statistic that’s interesting, yet perplexing: roughly 80% of the Republicans who back these GOP-1 programs identify as Christian, which brings us to that awkward passage in the GOP instruction manual (Matthew 25:42–45):
“For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.”
“They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did I not help you?’”
“He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of us, you did not do for me.’”
Though this passage may seem unambiguous to a well-educated theologian, Mike Johnson is quick to point out that Jesus forgot to include an important qualifier at the end of his proselytizing, namely, “…unless, of course, we are talking about the balancing of the United States budget.”
Everywhere, these days, one hears the self-righteous prattle of the MAGA faithful regarding the new SNAP work requirements: “Those lazy freeloaders who refuse to work… they deserve to lose their SNAP benefits. Everybody knows that.”
Absolutely.
That’s why the GOP is kicking all sorts of people off the dole: children, disabled Americans, vets, senior citizens, unpaid family caregivers, people with severe mental illness, single moms, pregnant women, the terminally ill, and the unhoused. Our country has become a nation overrun with itinerant loafers of all ages; that is abundantly clear.
As it turns out, America’s greatest untapped workforce is first graders and hospice patients. Who knew.
Things have a way of working out for the best, don’t they?
Nothing encourages “economic opportunity” quite like an empty refrigerator. Hunger is the foundation of the Trump administration’s new workforce development program, though saying that out loud might lose the GOP a few seats in Congress. Seeing how tight things are right now, probably best for the boys to keep that on the down-low.
Once someone actually lands a job per the new SNAP requirements, there’s that pesky detail of having to fend off starvation long enough to collect the first paycheck, which could be two to four weeks out.
And if, by some miracle, the newly employed, minimum-wage worker still qualifies for SNAP, well, that’s more good news! The U.S. government, which we all know operates with lightning-fast efficiency, suggests there is typically a 30-day period for benefit approval, followed by a week or two for the EBT card to arrive by mail. That’s if you’ve not made any errors on their online form and have to start the application process from scratch.
Hopefully, the to-be SNAP recipient will be able to power through Phase 5 of prolonged calorie deprivation: Critical Organ Failure. While working, of course.
Operation Portion Control™
The meals above were recently served to American troops deployed in the Iran war courtesy of the Trump administration. Go ahead and confirm for yourself the authenticity of the photos in Newsweek’s article, “Photos Show Shocking Meals Being Served to US Troops in Iran War.”
What’s on the menu for our troops these days? Apparently not much food, but large servings of supply-chain disruptions, naval blockades, closed airspace, and suspended U.S. mail with a side of “Thank you for your service.”
And nothing boosts troop morale quite like wondering whether the entrée is a hamburger, meatloaf, or insulation foam. At least Hegseth can say he’s serving his men a balanced meal: one protein, three carrots, and all-you-can-stomach thoughts and prayers.
On the bright side, the Pentagon may finally hit its weight standards without making anyone do physical training.
Welcome to Operation Portion Control™— where caloric content is classified.
Little Losers Intermittent Fasting™
America’s youngest also need to catch a ride on the dieting bandwagon, whether they’re living on the street, in subsidized housing, in foster homes, or missing a parent. As we all know, being skinny means having a much lower risk of Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, arthritis, osteoporosis, dementia, and heart disease. Oops! Those are diseases of the old.
Skinny kids, the ones who purportedly don’t get enough food, apparently suffer from things like stunted growth, chronic exhaustion, a weakened immune system, muscle deterioration, and delays in brain development. Ya gotta question the source on that claim: the World Health Organization. WHO also claims that childhood malnutrition — we’re talking not getting enough calories — can lead to obesity. Huh?! That does not make any sense whatsoever.
According to WHO, not getting enough food alters a child’s metabolism (whatever that is), which in turn causes them to store fat more efficiently. Yeah, well, believe who you want to believe — either those rich doctors who went to boarding school and Harvard, or RFK Jr. Oh yeah — he went to boarding school and Harvard. Whatever.
Common sense would dictate that childhood obesity thing is more likely caused by kids subsisting on Flamin' Hot Cheetos and lying around all day on cardboard mattresses playing Fortnite and Rocket League on their donated phones.
Thanks to the generous efforts of Donald Trump, Mike Johnson, and the evangelical Christian right (which now has a stronghold on all government policy), parents alone are responsible for the care, education, and upbringing (as well as the abuse and neglect) of their children. The government should have zero influence over what fathers and mothers decide is right for their children. This is as God intended.
The Little Losers weight-loss program has been bolstered by generous cuts to SNAP, under which kids who are no longer eligible for food benefits are also automatically removed from the school lunch program rolls. Yes, you read that right. This second (and much-deserved) serving of cruelty is intended to get their parents (if they have any) off the couch and out working. Now that makes total sense. 100%.
In some states, SNAP-free kids have only to jump through a few hoops to qualify for the government-sponsored lunch programs — it just requires their drug- or alcohol-addicted caretakers to sober up long enough to fill out the applications, find their REAL ID-compliant state driver's license under the piles of unwashed laundry, and then get those applications in by deadline to the school administration offices, which are on the outskirts of town and not accessible by bus. If this “event” were on one of those prediction gambling markets, it might be categorized as a “long shot” or “odds-against underdog.”
Hoop jumping — that’s a fun exercise, right? Exercise is good! And for kids that still don’t qualify for free food, which is likely going to be the case in the mostly red states of Texas, Florida, Ohio, Georgia, North Carolina, and Pennsylvania — those kids will reap the benefits of a 7-hour fast (i.e., school drop-off to end-of-school-day), or a 9-hour fast, if they are enrolled in an after-school program.
Other initiatives designed to enhance the Little Losers program, and contribute to malnutrition generally, are the USDA’s cancellation of over $1 billion in federal cooperative agreements that provided local, fresh, and regional foods to school cafeterias (and food banks), and the huge reductions in WIC (Women, Infants, Children) — cash-value benefits that allowed low-income families to purchase fruits and vegetables, which ironically factor high on RFK Jr.’s recommendations for childrens’ diets.
WIC benefits are slated for the chopping block in September of 2026. Woo hoo! The Christian-right’s Project 2025 agenda stays on track!
The Farm-To-Famine Diet™
There is a reason Trump is the perfect leader for these times we live in. He is not an eater of fruits and vegetables, setting an example for those of us who can no longer afford to buy them. His motto: “Get over it! They taste yucky.”
Many folks have been baffled by the soaring price of grocery staples. “How is this happening?” — the MAGA faithful ask. They watch FOX religiously, where every economic report is a victory lap, and every hardship someone else’s fault — usually someone with brown skin. Yet every month, when their credit card SMS payment reminder crosses their screens, it somehow feels more like a ransom note than a bill. POTUS tells his followers that the economy is booming and the job market improving. So why does a bag of groceries now qualify as a luxury purchase?
Of course, absolutely none of this has anything to do with tariffs driving up the cost of fertilizer, farm equipment, packaging, and other essentials, nor with former trade partners no longer willing to buy American agricultural products because we’ve tariffed the shit out of their products.
And there is no way these crazy prices are caused by the rising cost of fuel, which the liberal media has suggested is making it more expensive to plant, harvest, refrigerate, and haul food across the country.
Don’t forget that issue of thousands of experienced farmworkers being rounded up, then holed up indefinitely in detention centers. Who’s going to pick all the crops before they become expensive compost, you ask? Duh… all those white kids who hang out at the local pool hall, who’ve not been able to secure jobs ever, have zero competencies and who know nothing about farming. They are just chomping at the bit to spend July bent over a 108-degree asparagus field for 8 hours a day. Ask any guidance counselor — “What is the dream career of today’s youth?” Seasonal lettuce harvester is the number one response.
This we know: America's farmers will love Trump’s new business model.
Grow less, earn less, pay more, compete with imports
Welcome to The Farm-to-Famine Diet™, America’s hottest involuntary wellness program. This revolutionary diet plan is all about skipping overpriced nuisances like fresh produce, lean proteins, and nutritious prepared meals. Why waste money on blueberries when you can survive on patriotic carbohydrates? Broccoli is for globalists. Lettuce is elitist. Avocados? Those sound suspiciously foreign. If fruits and vegetables were so important, wouldn’t they be charging less? Hmm… not really sure who “they” is.
The Farm-to-Famine Diet™ doesn’t just trim your waistline — it slashes your grocery bill by eliminating the majority of your groceries altogether. Nutrition is replaced by optimism, balanced meals by talking points, and food security by comforting reassurances from the Agriculture Secretary that everything is actually better than ever.
So the next time you find yourself wincing as you work your way down the produce aisle, remember: you’re not being priced out of healthy eating. You’re participating in a bold new American health initiative.
Warning: Side effects may include weight loss, vitamin deficiencies, and constipation due to a lack of dietary fiber.
The America First Fasting Plan™
"America First," parrots populist political platforms prioritizing protectionism, pedophilia, pro-life, pro-guns, paranoia of outsiders, the patriarchy, PACs, patronage, a plutocracy, profiteering, payoffs, persecution of minorities, proscription, purging of immigrants, prejudice, promiscuity, Protestantism, and other policies that begin with the letter “P.”
POTUS is, of course, the leader of this program. Mike Johnson is God’s pilot in implementing these Christ-inspired policies.
You are likely wondering, “How exactly does America First impact the food industry, the AFFORDABILITY of groceries, and finding a diet plan that is right for me?” Good run-on question.
Here’s exactly how Trump’s America First policies have affected grocery prices and other important things in a single year:
Meat, poultry, fish ⬆️ 6.2%
Beef ⬆️ 16%
Pork ⬆️ 2.3%
Farm-raised salmon ⬆️ 17%
Seafood ⬆️ 7.5%
Fruits and vegetables ⬆️ 7.5%
Bananas ⬆️ 8.6%
Tomatoes ⬆️ 32%
Strawberries ⬆️ 12%
Lettuce ⬆️ 25%
Coffee ⬆️ 19%
Rice ⬆️ 11%
Italian pasta brands ⬆️ 107%
Cheese & dairy ⬆️ 5%
Olive oil ⬆️ 18%
Bread ⬆️ 3.1%
Health insurance premiums ⬆️ 22%
Health insurance deductibles ⬆️ 37%
Used cars ⬆️ 6%
Fuel ⬆️ 40%
Housing ⬆️ 3.4%
This 👆👆👆. In one year! Gotta give Trump credit for inspiring big changes, and so quickly driving up the cost of food!
And it’s no wonder AFFORDABILITY is the word of the day.
“Affordability” = the race between income and prices. Right now, inflation is leaving any increases in personal income in the dust.
Damn. We’ve got to put some spin on this bowling ball, or we’re going to end up with a split. Oops. Too late—we’ve already got one. In both political parties.
And if we don’t change the narrative right now, I could be looking at 30 to 50 years in a federal penitentiary somewhere in Texas for inciting a riot by suggesting that groceries cost more than a car payment.
The reality is this: that tiny raise you just got isn’t going to keep pace with the exploding cost of living — or your spouse’s government job getting bullDOGEd into oblivion. We need a solution. One that also makes the White House look like it’s playing four-dimensional chess instead of Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Good news! We’ve got one. Introducing: Calibrated Fasting.
You’ll save a shit ton of money, you’ll almost certainly lose weight, and you’ll never have to worry about what’s for dinner because there won’t be any dinner. Kill two birds with one kidney stone. Speaking of which, fun fact: crash dieting and high-protein diets can contribute to kidney stones. Someone needs to tap RFK Jr. on the shoulder. His inverted food pyramid is a recipe for kidney stones.
Now grab a calculator. You’re going to need it.
Take your monthly income. Subtract your rent, utilities, insurance, gas, car payment, medical bills, student loans, subscriptions you forgot to cancel, and every other expense required to remain technically alive. Whatever’s left is your grocery budget.
Is it a terrifying number? Yeah... I figured.
Let’s say you have $325 left for food this month. That’s about $81.25 per week, or roughly $11.60 per day. If you live in one of the states that still taxes groceries — Alabama, Idaho, Mississippi, Missouri, South Dakota, Tennessee, or Utah — you can knock off another 50¢. Hey! Freedom to open-carry isn’t free.
About six bucks per meal is technically possible if you’re cooking everything from scratch and living on eggs, tortillas, beans, rice, generic cheese, bargain vegetables, seasonal fruit, and the occasional chicken that wandered too close to the clearance rack. The catch? That’s only two meals a day.
This is where your fasting schedule becomes a financial planning tool.
Working mornings? Eat breakfast and lunch. Dinner — now just a cherished childhood memory. Working nights? Skip breakfast. Forget that adage about breakfast being the most important meal of the day. Working two jobs? You’ll likely be dead in a month.
Our billionaire friends in Silicon Valley — and the AI models they trained while paying fewer taxes than your grandma who lives in a double wide — they recommend the following nutrition plans based on income:
Tight Budget / Low Income: OMAD (One Meal a Day)
Moderate Income: 16:8 Intermittent Fasting (Two Meals a Day)
Comfortable Income: The Circadian Rhythm Diet (eat whatever you like, whenever you like)
And, of course, there’s Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins’ famous quote:”It can cost around $3 a meal for a piece of chicken, a piece of broccoli, a corn tortilla, and one other thing." If you follow her plan and budget carefully, you may be able to splurge once a month on a Beefy 5-Layer Burrito at Taco Bell. Cost: $3.49.
Hey folks, don’t get all sad on us. It’s just food. There are so many great things in this world left to focus on — free speech, due process, the Constitution, birthright citizenship, human rights, fair elections, and all those other quaint relics of democracy we used to take for granted.
Time to celebrate America’s 250th anniversary!!
Gather friends and family for a rousing rendition of "America, the Food Desert"— complete with karaoke accompaniment. Don't worry, everyone already knows the tune.
AMERICA, THE FOOD DESERT sung to America, the Beautiful (with revised lyrics by Chris Andrews) O beautiful for shrinking meals, For fewer eggs and grain, For watching every grocery trip Become a budget game. America! America! We solved obesity! Make food unaffordable— What brilliant policy! O beautiful for grocery lines, Where weary, wornout stress Still winds through crowded checkout aisles With carts of emptiness. America! America! God mend thine every flaw; Confirm thy soul in empathy, And mercy in the law. O beautiful for those who serve, Whose sacrifice runs deep, Who more than self their country love, Yet struggle now to eat. America! America! May conscience be our guide, Till every child has food enough, And none are cast aside. O beautiful for amber waves That ripple, full and free; How strange that hunger lingers still Where plenty ought to be. America! America! God shed His grace on thee; May every harvest feed us all, In shared prosperity. O beautiful for pilgrim feet Whose faith the wilderness crossed; Who dreamed that every soul had worth, Not measured by its cost. America! America! God shed His grace on thee; May mercy walk beside the law, And strengthen liberty. O beautiful for heroes proved Who gave their youth and more, Yet found at home that sacrifice Was asked of them once more. America! America! God shed His grace on thee; May those who bore the nation’s weight Find bread, and dignity. O beautiful for patriot dreams Still reaching through the years; May gleaming cities earn their light By drying human tears. America! America! God shed His grace on thee; For greatness lives not in our wealth, But in humanity.