Is He Dead Yet?

Trump's Obituary: My Fantasy

Donald J. Trump

June 14, 1946 – April 1, 2026

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It is with great relief that the children of Donald J. Trump announce the death of their father. The former president died at Riker’s Island on April 1, 2026, after serving 3 years of a 180-year sentence for tax fraud, concealment and destruction of presidential documents, campaign finance fraud, violation of the emoluments clause, seditious conspiracy, obstruction of a special counsel investigation, providing false public financial disclosures, multiple violations of the Hatch Act, soliciting unlawful campaign contributions, election interference, conspiracy to defraud, criminal solicitation to commit election fraud, unauthorized possession of national defense information, wire fraud, multiple RICO violations, defamation and sexual assault. And over a half a million lawsuits for involuntary manslaughter were pending at the time of his death as a result of his response to the COVID epidemic.

Mr. Trump’s official cause of death is unknown, as no one pressed for an autopsy, but there is speculation that the prison commissary’s chocolate pudding did not co-mingle well with the Diet Cokes Mr. Trump consumed shortly after his lunch. After being found unresponsive on his prison cot, Mr. Trump’s remains were hastily cremated that same day, then unceremoniously tossed into a pauper’s grave, also on the same day. Family and friends gathered at The Dead Rabbit bar in NYC to celebrate his demise. No one wore black.

During the final decade/episode of his life, Mr. Trump managed to destroy not only his family’s entire business empire and the careers of everyone employed by The Trump Organization, but by association, he irreparably damaged all of the businesses of his children and those of all of his so-called friends. Mr. Trump’s presidency and subsequent refusal to accept his 2020 election loss also permanently toppled the Republican Party, the Supreme Court, and numerous government agencies, as well as crippling the United States election system. His reign exacerbated and hastened climate change and ignited what is now the 4th year of a civil war between the states of Florida, South Dakota and Texas and the rest of the country. We also have Mr. Trump to thank for setting women’s rights back 50 years, and erasing decades of progress toward improving lives in the LGBTQ community, for emboldening racist and antisemitic groups and for aggravating gun violence by supporting the gun lobby and blocking all legislation aimed at tightening background checks and the sale of automatic weapons.

Mr. Trump’s unwavering support for fundamentalist Christians, with whom he shared numerous narcissistic traits and aspirations, resulted in book bannings, teacher shaming and a mass exodus from the education profession, a return of prayer in schools, the end of sex education and a co-mingling of church and state never before seen in the U.S. And then let’s not forget all the careers and lives Mr. Trump has ruined through bullying and public humiliation, including those of the litany of lawyers who faithfully and wholeheartedly represented him throughout the years. The damage is vast. Mr. Trump has even trumped those he idolizes, namely Adolf Hitler, Vladimir Putin, Jair Bolsonaro and Kim Jong-un.

Donald J. Trump, the son of Fred and Mary Ann Trump, was born on June 14, 1946. “Donnie Boy” was a devoted son (as much as was possible for a sociopath) but fiercely competitive with his siblings. “Donald is out for Donald, period,” his sister Maryanne reminisced. “He has no principles.” No love lost there. Though his children never said this out loud, it is unlikely that they disagreed with their aunt.

Mr. Trump was a politician, TV personality and business person who “served” as the 45th president of the United States from 2017 to 2021. Mr. Trump graduated from the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania with a bachelor’s degree in economics in 1968 (absolutely not summa cum laude) after spending two years at Fordham University, where he purportedly received less than stellar grades. According to his sister, a former United States Federal judge, an acquaintance of theirs took Mr. Trump’s SAT exam “so that he might stand a snowball’s chance in hell of qualifying for Wharton.” Add to this Mr. Trump’s former lawyer, Michael Cohen, writing threatening letters to all of Mr. Trump’s alma maters assuring them they would be sued should any of his transcripts be released to the press and the picture is clear. Mr. Trump was likely not the stellar student or “stable genius” he claimed to be, nor was he even average. He was an idiot.

Shortly after college, Mr. Trump would go on to become president of his father's real estate business (1971) at which time it was renamed The Trump Organization. Mr. Trump expanded the company to include the building and refurbishing of skyscrapers, hotels, casinos and golf courses. Later ventures (after he failed miserably with the above) were his simply licensing the family name and doing jackshit. From 2004 to 2015, Mr. Trump produced and was a host for the TV series, The Apprentice, a venture which helped shore up his waning financial resources, along with Trump Steaks and Trump University (which, despite its name, was not an accredited university).

In his capacity as the alpha son, Mr. Trump saw to the family businesses being involved in more than 4,000 state and federal legal actions, six of which were bankruptcies. Prior to his death, a massive effort was undertaken across the country to remove the Trump name from every piece of real estate previously part of the family empire. “Out damned spot!” as Lady Macbeth famously proclaimed in Hamlet. The Trump story is a Shakespearian tragedy of epic proportions, but no one is cuing up for tickets. We are all so very tired of this SICK FUCK.

Mr. Trump was preceded in death by his parents, Fred and Mary Ann Trump and oldest brother, Fred Trump Jr. Mr. Trump is survived by no one, as the entirety of his family disowned him and legally changed their names before going into witness protection. A small rock with his name chiseled on it will be placed next to Ivana Trump’s gravesite at the renamed Bedminster Golf Club.