Mansplaining

Some thoughts

I know many of you felt a wave of relief the first time you saw the term “mansplaining” cross your computer screen. “Holy mother of god, there’s a name for this!” I, myself, immediately created a special folder on my MacBook Pro for filing all of the sanctimonious crap I got daily from my boss, from posts that came across my social media feeds, from my dad’s emails and then all that shit Ann forwards from her ex-husband’s court filings. Sadly not in the folder: all the stuff you hear men say OUT LOUD at work, at the farmers market, while you’re waiting in line at the DMV. Toxic horseshit, all of it.

I found this handy graph showing that “horseshit” had been trending upward since 1950 but seems to have plateaued around the time of Trump’s having LOST the election

There is something very therapeutic about downloading all this offensive crap, filing it in my “HORSESHIT” folder, then dragging the contents of that folder into the trash at the end of each day. A digital enema. If it’s been an especially bad day, I might actually print out the documents so as to fully enjoy the visceral experience of ripping them up. Or I run them through my paper shredder, which sounds like a muffler with a big rusty hole. Just depends on my mood which method I choose.

Either way, the same endorphins course through my body, much as they did when I watched Nancy Pelosi rip up Trump’s State of the Union Address on national television. I have watched that video a hundred times. Whenever you ladies perceive a thing as “mansplaining,” you should feel no compunction whatsoever in ripping up the offensive item (or in figuratively ripping off the offender’s head if we’re talking a spoken-out-loud thought). Let Nancy be your spirit guide. And be sure to follow up with complete disregard for whatever concept has been conveyed. Very liberating that is. Once the offensive thing is gone, let it stay gone. I find that once I have publicly diminished a person who has been mansplaining, I miraculously never bump into them again, be it at the grocery store or at the gas pumps. My guess is they see me and cross the street.

Wherever did the term “mansplaining” come from, you may wonder. Turns out it was coined by writer Rebecca Solnit in her book “Men Explain Things To Me” (a great read, I might add). Solnit defines mansplaining as “the intersection between overconfidence and cluelessness.” Though both men and women could be accused of “mansplaining” by this definition, I think it’s pretty clear that this is a behavior that is highly regarded by men, both by the self-perceived “Alpha” males and also by all of their admirers, whom I’m going to clump together: Beta, Gamma, Omega, Delta and Sigma males. Yep, these designations are a thing. If you aren’t scheduled for a root canal, you might take time to read that article.

The remains of a copy of the Old Testament, hundreds of pages of mansplaining. I picked up this bible from the Salvation Army for 50¢. Shredded scripture is perfect for the kitty litter box and much cheaper than Tidy Cat.

And for a really good laugh, be sure to check out “The Adult Male Explained: 9 True Signs You’re Alpha,” by Joshua Sigafus. Mr. Sigafus (gotta love that name) mansplains all the concepts that make one an alpha male, with guidelines on how YOU can become one. I might try that out just for the hell of it. You’re gonna love Sigafus’ mansplaining writing style: one sentence = one paragraph. This is super annoying, as one can imagine, especially with such a long, boring article. OMG. It’s like each sentence is one of the Ten Commandments, except there are fifty of them. By the way: Ten Commandments = mansplaining at its finest.

MOST ANNOYING MANSPLAINERS

Senator Josh Hawley: Josh = mansplainer of la nouvelle masculinité. If men like Josh are what women of the future have to look forward to, overpopulation of planet Earth will no longer be an issue.

Moses: Mansplaining of biblical proportions. Most popular work: The 10 Commandments.

Steve Santagati, PhD in Mansplaining: Cringe worthy video of Mr. Santagati (apparently famous person) on CNN. I pity any woman who has to live with this asshole.

Ghandi: One creepy motherfucker. Believe it. Check out his thoughts on women and race, then go back and re-examine all those stupid quotes you’ve got on your refrigerator. Goo Be Gone will help with the scotch tape.

Tucker Carlson: Tucker = master mansplainer of the universe. This single clip sums up his approach to everything. For more on this asshole check out The Daily Show’s mockumentary on Tucker the Fucker.

Senator Marsha Blackburn: Yeah, not a man, yet a man. For those of you who missed the Ketanja Brown Jackson’s confirmation hearings, enjoy revisiting her questioning of Judge Jackson. Have a stiff drink nearby. Vivia Chen, in her article “Bullied and Interrupted: Sexism, Racism at Judge Jackson Hearing,” describes our friend, Marsha, as “A White Southern woman lecturing a Black woman on womanhood, race, and White privilege—how funny is that?” Yep. Mansplaining in a nutshell.

Donald Trump, Former Manplainer-In-Chief: Where to start? Cosmopolitan Magazine.

Sigmund Freud: You’re gonna love his work: “The Psychical Consequences of the Anatomic Distinction Between the Sexes.” Whatever the hell that means. Best quote from this scholarly work: “women oppose change, receive passively, and add nothing of their own.” Don’t bother ordering this on Amazon. Vintage male bullshit festively wrapped in pseudo-intellectualism.

Adam: Adam blamed Eve for original sin: “So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband with her, and he ate. (Genesis 3:6) Some very poorly worded logic, that. You would think the “Word of God” might have had a better editor-in-chief. Fortunately, the current explainer-in-chief, Pope Francis, cleared up this issue of Adam and Eve. And what a mind-numbingly stupid story it is. I can’t even believe he has time for this horseshit what with all those pedophilia cases on the docket.

Buddha: Jesus H. Christ this guy is a piece of work. If you thought Christianity wasn’t great for women, know this: Buddhism is not better. Fav Buddha quote: ““It is better for you to have put your manhood in the mouth of a venomous snake or a pit of burning charcoal than a woman.” That says it all for me.

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan: Wow, good one Mr. President of Turkey: “A woman who refuses maternity and gives up housekeeping faces the threats of losing her freedom. She is lacking and is a half [a person] no matter how successful she is in the business world.” Who can argue with that? I’m packing my bags and moving to Turkey. NOT.

James Green, Utah Republican / Mansplainer Extraordinaire: Here’s some man logic for you: “If businesses are forced to pay women the same as male earnings, that means they will have to reduce the pay for the men they employ, simple economics. If that happens, then men will have an even more difficult time earning enough to support their families, which will mean more Mothers will be forced to leave the home (where they may prefer to be) to join the workforce to make up the difference.” So much to unpack here, but I’d rather take the dog on a walk.

Norman Mailer. The body language says it all: “I’m a dick.”

Norman Mailer, hubris personified: Another book not to buy on Amazon: Norman Mailer’s “The Prisoner of Sex.” Patronizing beyond belief. Susan Sontag perfectly summed up women’s dislike of him in this clip from 1971. Check it out. Buy her books. She fucking rocks. The best quote for all you haters of Norman: “A little bit of rape is good for a man’s soul,” Norman Mailer @ UC Berkeley, 1972.

Ernest Hemingway: Never ever understood the hoopla about Hemingway. In my opinion, he’s just a sloppy drunk. And here’s a famously sloppy quote he sent to his editor, Maxwell Perkins: “A woman ruined Scott [Fitzgerald]. It wasn’t just Scott ruining himself. But why couldn’t he have told her to go to hell? Because she was sick. It’s being sick makes them act so bloody awful usually and it’s because they’re sick you can’t treat them as you should. The first great gift for a man is to be healthy and the second, maybe greater, is to fall [in] with healthy women. You can always trade one healthy woman in on another. But start with a sick woman and see where you get. Sick in the head or sick anywhere. But sick anywhere and in a little while they are sick in the head. If they locked up all the women who were crazy — but why speculate — I’ve known goddamned good ones; but take as good a woman as Pauline — a hell of a wonderful woman — and once she turns mean. Although, of course, it is your own actions that turn her mean. Mine I mean. Not yours. Anyway let’s leave the subject. If you leave a woman, though, you probably ought to shoot her. It would save enough trouble in the end even if they hanged you.” Huh? Sorry for this long and boring drivel. It’s just like his novels. Hope you skipped over most of it.

Darwin: Don’t get me started. In his book, “The Descent of Man,” Darwin argues that men have evolved to be superior to women. He gives lots of examples of men’s superiority in all things, but fails to mention that the women of his day were not afforded the same educational and professional opportunities as men. A wee oversight Mr. Darwin. Antoinette Brown Blackwell, one of Darwin’s contemporaries had some thoughtful critiques of his work. Check her out. Charles was not one of her fans.

Nietzsche: “From the beginning, nothing has been more alien, repugnant, and hostile to woman than truth—her great art is the lie, her highest concern is mere appearance and beauty.” Nuff said Herr Nietzsche. Danke arschloch. For those of you who wish to delve further into the abyss, check out the Wikipedia entry: Friedrich Nietzsche's Views On Women.

LET’S HEAR IT FROM YOU!

Please send me your best mansplaining anecdotes. I am putting together a children’s book, with illustrations. Don’t hold back.

Send to: chris@christinaandrews.net.