with Lorinda Birdwhistle
Food of the gods, right? Nope. Satan’s truffle fries with a mojito purgatorio.
Hi ladies. I see you over there, checking out this article. Articles on dieting seem to be clickbait for women of all ages, right? Pretty sure there are no guys on the other side of this page, because what man is going to click on a link for a diet that doesn’t mention erections?
Alrighty, gonna say this right up front to all of my dear friends… What the actual fuck?! As of late, ALL OF YOU, yes, every last one, has been feeding me bullshit on what is OK to eat and what is not. Yes, I am recovering from major surgery and I appreciate your “support,” but I am sooooo very exhausted from listening to all the reasons you’ve got for staying the course on your dietary promenade to perdition. Keto, paleo, juice cleanse, intermittent fasting, bone broth, carnivore, vegan, etc., ad nauseum. Then there’s the litany of pills and supplements you got from the local chiropractor that you swear are boosting your metabolism. You are really pushing me to the limit.
Even Gwyneth Paltrow’s Bone Broth Revival or Yolanda Hadid’s Deux Amandes Diet sound more appealing than following in your lumbering footsteps. I truly wish you could hear yourselves. Clearly (based on your recent social media posts), when these fad diets fade from memory after about a week, you’re caving to the craving. I mean really! Y’all need to take a gander at those ridiculous food fantasies you post on Facebook. Not even a homeless rat should eat that shit! It’ll kill you! And your grandkids, too. So toss that pretend food in the trash, before someone gets hurt.
Before I continue on my tirade, I want to share this insightful video about food from Erica McMath Sheppard…
Broccoli beaten into submission through overcooking, then smothered in cheese, cream, egg yolks and butter. This does not constitute a serving of vegetables. More like a serving of cardiac arrest.
Time to face the music… we are all dealing with medical issues at this age. And yes, the #1 cause of these problems is what we put in our mouths. The #2 cause of the same medical problems: denial. And then falling in at #3: using food as entertainment instead of nutrition. I don’t need a friggin’ PhD or MD to understand that. All it took was my having to get my hip sawed out (a $45,000 surgery, I might add) and a new metal one hammered in. Message received. This is what happens when you are TOO FAT. Yep.
Yes, I had a work accident way back when, but I was too fat when it happened, so there’s that. Sadly, my boss was unable to regulate what I put in my mouth and he was too polite to bring up weight issues in my performance review. And I was doing the work, so it wasn’t like I was going to get fired for being fat.
Hey, if you enjoy diabetes, dig right in!
From Urban Dictionary
Ah, whatever. Bygones. After the surgery, the time was right to move forward on things, not dwell on the past, so I sat down with my family doctor and my physical therapist and we hammered out a plan. And for the most part I’ve stuck with it. The cheerful encouragement from my very good looking orthopedic surgeon was also helpful, can’t lie. I keep a picture of him taped to my treadmill.
Dr. Rodriguez. Apparently you’ve gotta have some muscle tone (and tatoos) to do orthopedic surgery. And a sparkling set of chompers. 😍
After following the diet and exercise advice of my team of MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS, I have this to say: I feel like a million bucks. For the first time in years. The weight is ever so slowly coming off and all my vitals and bloodwork are looking fabulous. I sleep like a baby and my energy level is right up there. I’m down to taking a small dose of Losartin and a vitamin D supplement once a day. Two pills. That’s it. And in case I didn’t mention it before… I no longer have any pain. My assessment: excellent surgeon + proper nutrition + exercise + kicking Hank out to the potting shed = fucking awesome life! Gonna sign up for that salsa dancing class at the Ortonville women’s club at my 6-month post-surgery marker. 💃🏻🕺🏽
And this I can tell you… there is no way in hell I’m going through something like that hip replacement surgery ever again. NEVER. Whenever I start to waiver and start fantasizing about truffle fries and a large pour of sauvignon blanc, I look at my post-surgery X-rays. There they are, right online. Surgical whoop ass. Then I pull my salad box out of the fridge, add some fresh shrimp and toss it with my famous salt-free vinaigrette. After that, I pull out my oboe and play a few jigs, then I take the dog for a brisk stroll. Life is good.
So back to the task at hand… how to quit killing yourself with food, because let’s face it, that’s what you’re doing. It is. You know it, I know it. I’ve been there, and maybe you are still there. Let’s revisit this issue with visuals…
Not food. This is “mouth entertainment” and nothing more. Don’t fucking kid yourself.
This is food. There’s good stuff in there that your body needs and that will make you feel like a million bucks.
I love y’all, but for heaven’s sake it’s time to GET REAL. You and I both know you are eating the wrong stuff and way too much of it and many of you are washing it down with alcoholic libations, then doing a Pepcid chaser before plopping yourself in front of the TV for several hours. If there were ever a recipe straight out of Satan’s test kitchen this would be it.
I’m not going to bother you with an exhaustive list of maladies as it’s Sunday and I’d rather pick weeds, so I’ll cut to the chase and provide you with the Most Common Medical Issues related to having absolute shit dietary habits:
• exacerbated menopausal and post-menopausal symptoms
• WEIGHT GAIN, morbid obesity
• pre-diabetes, full blown diabetes
• high blood pressure, super high blood pressure
• heart disease
• liver disease
• Arthur Eyetis
• high cholesterol of the bad kind
• assorted cancerous stuff
• thyroid disorders
• general malaise
• manifold indignities of declining beauty
• struggling to walk to the mailbox
• chronically rude
• off-the-charts anxiety
• no longer wanting to get out of bed
• no longer wanting to go to bed early on “date night”
That is the short list. Fun times ladies. Is the pleasure of eating chicken-fried steak with a side of mash potatoes and gravy really worth it? Even one more time? 🤮🤮🤮
My friend’s mother thinks Chinese food is good for you. “Look, it has vegetables!” I call this candied meat. It’s basically deep-fried chicken bi-products drenched in sugar, salt, monosodium glutamate and grease. NOT FOOD.
Did I mention that I’m not a doctor? I am, however, an avid reader and observer (and ridiculeur) of human behavior, and I never miss a doctor’s appointment, lab test or X-ray. I also read all those handouts from my physical therapist. Add to that my prowess on the oboe and bassoon and my exclusive membership to the regional heirloom tomato club. Just want to be super clear about my medical expertise or lack thereof. Hopefully any gap in my education will be balanced by the plethora of useful links at the bottom of this article, all of which are from highly regarded medical institutions. So, bite your tongue for a few more paragraphs.
One thing I’ve observed is that many people can be pigeon-holed into a specific type of “disordered eating” (or “eating disorder”). I know it’s considered rude to ostracize people about their weight and eating habits, but as most of you know from past columns, being politically correct is not my forté and I also know that humor is a great way to deal with complex issues, even eating disorders. To that end, I have compiled a list of popular Eating Disorder Associations (obviously not real), and I am positive that you belong to at least one of these:
POPULAR DISORDERED EATING ASSOCIATIONS
Clean Plate Club
The Food Insecurity Foundation
Association of Waste Not, Want Not
The You-Only-Live-Once Alliance
The Organization for Second Servings
The I’ve-Tried-Every-Diet-In-The-Book Club
Integrated Condiments-On-Everything Inc.
The I’m-Fat-But-I’m-Healthy Society
The Doesn’t-Matter-How-Much-Cholesterol-If-It’s-Keto Club
My-Husband-Only-Eats-Meat-And-Potatoes Squad
The Vegan Academy of I-Can-Eat-As-Much-As-I-Like
Fraternity of Food-Makes-Me-Happy
The I-Just-Broke-Up-With-My-Boyfriend Fellowship
International Order of Bacon-Or-Die
Center for If-I-Eat-Over-The-Kitchen-Sink-It-Doesn’t-Count
The You’re-Gonna-Die-From-Something Institute
The Church of Life-Is-Too-Short-To-Eat-Vegetables
Journal of I-Only-Eat-Gourmet-Food
The trick to getting past your dietary issues is this: figure out which club you belong to, then log in and cancel your membership. You’ve really got to change your habits. And trust me, you’re going to need help with this and not from some guy who used to be a marathon runner who also hawks bone broth. You’ll notice I’ve left off the link to this guy’s diet. His website is super convincing and he’s really good looking, but HE’S A SNAKE OIL SALESMAN. Trust me. Even snake oil folks can build a beautiful website with Wix. Visit the links below instead and then head out to your local farmers market.
My rule of thumb in ALL things:
If it’s too good to be true, it’s too good to be true.
So many choices in this world. Will you watch episodes of The Bachelorette while snarfing down a “sharing” size bag of kettle chips or take a walk with your pooch?
Getting some perspective is a critical part of making permanent change. In my case I thought about how many years I potentially had in front of me: forty! Shit! Do I really want to be fat for another 40 years, have chronic high blood pressure and be on a trajectory toward needing a second hip surgery? Hell no. My dream was to get back to hiking, salsa dancing, gardening and being able to tie my shoes. And jeez… wouldn’t it be great to toss out that friggin’ CPAP machine?
Every single problem and every single goal of mine had a common denominator in order for me to succeed: weight loss.
You gotta figure out what you want.
People who know what they want, get what they want.
Not hard.
My personal issues… I’ve been a long standing member of the Clean Plate Club with an affiliate membership in the Organization for Second Servings. What I ate was not the problem, it was an issue of quantity. OMG, it was a lot. Not gonna sugarcoat that. I was also in a sedentary line of work.
The solution was pretty simple. For starters, I put a treadmill and stationary bike within 10 steps of my work space and I intersperse desk work with short bouts of exercise. Also, my new rule when chatting with friends is “get your ass off the couch and MOVE.” If we’re meeting in person, we’re on a walk. Good for everyone involved, right?
I also purchased smaller dishes and plates and am abiding by the ancient Japanese (Okinawan) tradition of “hara hachi bun me,” i.e. only eating until you are 80% full. Okinawan’s have the world’s highest percentage of centenarians, so it seems like they might have a leg up on this nutrition stuff. For us long-standing members of the Clean Plate Club, imagine that as you reach your 80% satiation point you’ll donate the remaining food to the compost pile next to your organic garden. A nice thought really… sharing your bounty with the earthworms (and possums). Before you know it, you’ll start feeling better and nothing will have gone to waist or waste. And your garden will be flourishing.
And did I mention these changes were not hard? Simple = easy to comply.
Final platitude of the day:
Keep it simple stupid.
Alright, time to dispense with the browbeating. I am going to end by encouraging you to find your own path to better health and soon, before there is irreparable damage.
You’ll notice that none of the useful links below include celebrity or former olympian names. Also not including anything with a cheerful moniker. Those sites are always bullshit. And absolutely not including anything from former women’s health guru, Christiane Northrup, whom I won’t even grace with the title Dr., especially since she has enthusiastically gone round the bend. Plenty of other good stuff out there, so don’t bring her up in the comments section or I’ll rip your head off.
GENERAL NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION FOR OLDER WOMEN
Learning About Healthy Eating During Menopause
Staying Healthy After Menopause
All Topics On Healthy Eating / Kaiser Permanente
Nutrition and Healthy Eating / Mayo Clinic
Menopause Diet: What To Eat To Help Manage Symptoms
Healthy Meal Planning: Tips for Older Adults
6 Healthy Eating Habits For Older Adults
Living Longer, Living Well: Your Guide to Healthy Living
WEIGHT LOSS SUPPORT GROUPS
Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics
Find A Weight Loss Support Group / Psychology Today
EASY-TO-PREPARE RECIPES TO KEEP YOU HEALTHY
SCIENCE-BASED ARTICLES ON THE EFFICACY OF VARIOUS FAD DIETS
Research Says That Fad Diets Don’t Work. So Why Are They So Popular?
When Your Fad Diet Fails, And It Probably Will, 'Just Eat'
Why Fad Diets Don't Work, Plus 7 Tips for Sustainable, Healthy Eating