Shopping Adventures with Lorinda Birdwhistle
Grab a crisp $20 bill, then off we go!
Hi Folks! Welcome to my weekly shopping adventure. Every week Hank gives me a crisp $20 to use as I wish and I wish to go shopping! I get a lot of bang for my buck at the local thrift stores, especially the Salvation Army in Ortonville, which is where I am headed today. Let me tell you this… $20 is almost a cart full of merchandise at the Salvo!
Today’s adventure is with my grade school buddy, Nadine. Nadine has always been pretty much a tomboy and I was one of the girls who didn’t have a boyfriend, so we just hung out together every day at recess. We never really had anything in common back then since she was really into sports, but thanks to Nadine, I always had someone to sit with at lunch. Even forty-five years later, when I’m off digging through shelves of decorative glassware at Salvo, Nadine’s in the back looking for a set of crescent wrenches. Guess some things never change.
Me and my best bud, Nadine
Today’s adventure started with us waiting patiently in line for the store to open along with hoards of other middle-aged ladies (middle aged if you're looking to live to 120, LOL). Some of us are masked, others are armed with red MAGA baseball caps, which sure as hell isn’t going to ward off Covid. For the love of god, get a clue. The MINUTE the doors open, all of us are shoving our way in (no social distancing holy toots!!), me with Hank’s $20 bill clutched in my fist. I feel like we are headed into battle.
Greeting us is a HUGE "Thank You and God Bless" banner with a massive QR code on it. I wasn’t sure if this was a special discount code, so I took a picture of it for the check out.
WTF is this giant QR code? A discount or a link to God?
Gospel music was blaring on the overhead. Unfortunately it was that Buck and Dottie Rambo shit (pardon my French) that makes my skin crawl. There is no way those folks have received the Lord. I can tell you that. All they are receiving is your grandma’s pension check. I’ll tell ya, if the Salvo had Aretha throwing back “Goin’ Up Yonder,” folks would have walked out of that place with carts full of merchandise. Doesn’t take a genius.
Snagged those paisley leggings! Damn that's a lot of men's shirts and not a man in sight.
Of course there was the usual mad dash over to the plus size leggings area. In only a matter of minutes all of the paisley and leopard prints were GONE. Cleaned out baby! Fortunately, this time no one got hurt or had to be escorted out by security. I snagged one pair and it looks to be my size, although the tags are missing. Only $1.50. Can’t beat that. Really needed to get some boots, but the only pair in my size smelled like there might be toe fungus growing in there. Damn that stuff is persistent. Not worth taking a chance, even on a really nice pair of Nine West’s at $2.00.
Each week, to spice things up, Nadine and I make some shopping goals for ourselves. It’s like a sport. Today's thrift shop Challenge #1: find a plus size clothing item to wear while watching the Olympics. Required theme: U.S. Women's Gymnastics Team. And the gold medal goes to ME!
I found a fabulous unitard in U.S.A. red. Not sure if I’ll get up the nerve to wear this in front of Hank especially since I need about an hour in the shower to shave. I've got like one of those quarantine beards you hear about except it's on my whole body.
Olympic leotard... wondering if I can pull that off in front of Hank.
Challenge, #2: find the best household decorative item. OK, Nadine… the win goes to you for the John Wayne Gacy Saxophone Figurine. Value: you could not pay me a million dollars to buy that dumbass thing. It’s just plain creepy. OK, truth be told: Nadine and I have been putting back a few nips of PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS while we’re cruising the aisles here at the Salvo. Nadine has it disguised in an insulated coffee mug. I’m hoping folks will mistake the smell for breath mints.
Now we’re getting a wee bit tipsy, but on to Challenge #3: who can find the you-might-need-to-get-tested-for-an-STD clothing item? I found it! A black sequined mystery garment in XS. Neither of us could possibly squeeze into this thing, no way, so it stays on the shelf. Plus, how you gonna bleach black polyester with sequins. Believe you me, this garment NEEDS bleach. You can’t trick us with that smell of Bounce. Bounce does not kill what grows down yonder.
Yikes
The best part of our excursion was at checkout. By then we were pretty wasted. There in front of us was the guy who’s got the septic tank business in Clarkston. A hunky sort of guy. He’s here with his teenage daughter and holy shit… yes, he’s carrying a BIKINI ON A HANGER.
Bikini dude / septic tank technician
I’m trying real hard not to be obvious as I snap a few pics. Nadine just snorted she’s laughing so hard. My guess: his next stop is the CVS FOR TAMPONS. That fool is pussy whipped. Big time. Guess who I’m calling next time we need the septic tank serviced.
See y’all next week when we’ll be stopping at Zeller’s hardware to pick up a few items. There’s a new guy working up front and we’re going to torture him with a list of hard-to-find plumbing parts. Also going to make him mix custom paint colors. He’s gonna be real sorry he didn’t call in sick.
Thanks a bunch Nadine! Hope you have a great time camping with your slow-pitch softball team. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!
