Taking Back Your Body
Time to serve eviction notices on all those squatters
Somewhere along the way, we gave up. Things got too complicated; we were overwhelmed with worry. Things needed doing, and there wasn’t any time left to take care of ourselves. Or we were in a relationship with a narcissist, and everything revolved around them, and we lost ourselves in their neediness. Resignation sank in.
What exactly did we give up in the process of taking care of everyone else and not ourselves? We gave up meeting friends at a coffee house, walking the dog, hiking with our children, gardening, romance and sex, enjoying a sunset, and dancing on the beach. Basically, we gave up every single thing that might have made us healthy and happy. Food became our go-to for solace and pleasure.
Some of us came from families where this was our role – the caretaking. We were considered “good” only when we did for others and told we were “selfish” when we took an extra 10 minutes in the bathroom to put on a bit of makeup. We were not taught how to nurture ourselves, only others. And as is often the case, we fell into relationships that mimicked those we’d grown up with and had become accustomed to.
We weren’t being loved and nurtured. We weren’t finding pleasure. We weren’t resting. We weren’t putting back a refreshing glass of water.
But we were killing it for everyone around us. They got the best we had to offer – our 100%. I know you’re out there. You were one of those who became a manager, partner at the firm, head of HR, psychotherapist, event planner, case worker for children, and editor-in-chief. And after a long workday, you were the one running to the grocery store, throwing a healthy meal on the table, going over homework, and putting in a load of laundry. End of the evening, hubby (if you were lucky enough to have one) is cached out on the couch. You’re exhausted, and you don’t even know it because there are bills to pay, and the stress of that has you wide awake. You grab a glass of wine and that bag of chocolate-covered almonds and sit down to complete the task. Last round, make sure the kids are breathing.
In the morning, you don’t even remember having fallen asleep, and your husband is already in the shower, if there is a husband. And guess what, there is no coffee brewing for you, nor a fresh croissant and fresh strawberries. Fuck it all.
And you know damn well you’re not getting through the morning’s meeting unless you eat something, so you swing by Jack In The Box, the only spot without a long line of cars (and for good reason). Your mystery meat breakfast sandwich paired with a cup of hot battery acid - nasty. Whatever. You can’t really taste any of it anyway, because you’re busy negotiating traffic and packing in a few business calls before reaching the office. The car in front of you slams on its brakes. Blood pressure spikes. It’s going to be a good day.
You’re an adult, but nothing has changed, it’s exactly like when you were a kid. Everyone is counting on you, except you. You gave up on you years ago. Was there really a choice? It didn’t seem like it. You were taught to believe this way of doing things was virtuous. A+ girl! First chair in band. Head of the class. Varsity letter.
And thus, we nurtured ourselves with food and too much of it. And when what we needed was pleasure, the only thing we had time for… food. At the day’s end, we felt bad, couldn’t look in the mirror, and chastised ourselves for having no discipline. Right?! The one and only indulgence we had – food – and we were supposed to forgo that as well? Fuck no.
The usual musical interlude. TIME TO GET PISSED, with a little help from Taylor Swift, bless her heart. Take a moment, listen, then let’s dissect this shit.
I'm so sick of running as fast as I can Wondering if I'd get there quicker If I was a man And I'm so sick of them coming at me again 'Cause if I was a man Then I'd be the man I'd be the man I'd be the man They'd say I hustled Put in the work They wouldn't shake their heads and question how much of this I deserve What I was wearing If I was rude Could all be separated from my good ideas and power moves?
Let’s cut to the chase: it’s time to make some changes and to get rid of this self-destructive crap. If you want things to get better, you’re going to have to rebel, and you’re gonna have to separate yourself from all the toxic shit in your life. ARE YOU READY FOR IT? Grow some balls, girls. You can do this.
This is the spot where I would introduce a 12-step program and ask for a donation. But I don’t have a program, just some random advice that seems to work for me and for other happy people I know. Credit goes fully to Aunt Joni, who taught me how to survive and thrive, even when I hadn’t been dealt the best hand.
AUNT JONI’S 7-STEPS TO HEALTH AND HAPPINESS
#1. Clean house. Get all the toxic people out of your life and out of your body. See that bulging tummy - yep, that is your ex-husband. He made you miserable, you ate to comfort yourself. No more entertaining thoughts of him EXCEPT when you’re working out. Time to serve that fucker a 60-day eviction notice. In two months you’ll look in the mirror and you won’t be reminded of him anymore - so cool.
#2. Get happy. Just start doing all that shit you love to do. Don’t organize it or cordon off time. Get random and sprinkle it throughout your day. Crank all your favorite tunes. Dance. Play your flute. Flirt with the county clerk. Take an hour to style your hair. Rip out the weeds and for once fill your garden with just flowers and herbs instead of veggies. Hey… these are my ideas. Find your own.
#3. Start looking for your authentic self. Yeah, it’s been a long, long time, and it’s going to be hard to coax this person out of the closet, but you can do it. The trick: start listening to your gut. Start noticing the difference between the twinge of upset and butterflies in your stomach – that feeling you get when you want to shag that person in front of you. Let it all hang out - show people who you are. You will be shocked at how quickly people are drawn to you and it will be the right kind of people. Not those vampires who suck you dry.
#4. Be with people who find you funny, who like you, and who think you are beautiful. Save most of your time for these people. For me, that means spending lots of time with Doug. It’s doing me a helluva lotta good. Shit… I look 10 years younger.
#5. Find pleasure. Look high and low for it. Find what works for you. And quit second-guessing whether you deserve it or whether what floats your boat is socially acceptable. Though perhaps stay away from addictive substances.
#6. Take care of yourself. Get into it. Drink water, eat your veggies, toss out all that nasty processed food, forgo sodas and all those fancy lattes, and quit making drinking a habit. Allow yourself lots of time to exercise every day – find things you enjoy… swimming, hiking, gardening, biking. Tape a picture of your favorite person on the wall in front of your treadmill. Think of some goals that make all that sweating worthwhile. I’d share mine, but they’re a bit too sexy to say out loud, UNLESS you donate $175.
#7. Communicate what you need and want. Do not hesitate in this, even if some rejection is in store. Go for it anyway. Aim for what you want. Let the world know what that is. And if it is your man or woman who needs talking to - be really clear and specific. If they care about you, they are going to want to know what you desire. Give them the opportunity to make it happen for you.
LOVE YOU GIRLFRIENDS. It’s your body. Claim it. Own it. Revere it. Live in it.
Enjoy the photography of Laura Aguiar here.
Still laughing at "“mystery meat breakfast sandwich paired with a cup of hot battery acid”. I will add that one of the biggest hurdles for some of us may be communicating what we need and want because keeping it all in and staying strong for everyone else was a thing; It wasn't lady-like to be outspoken and worst of all: if you speak out you could be considered, "too emotional." Stutter, get stuck, take longer to say it, but say it! You'll get better at it every time! ;-)
P.S. Taylor Swift writes her own stuff. Folks drag her name here and there and everywhere, and she may be used to represent this or that, but she's amazing.