The Sexiest Things In Life Are Free

Spend ZERO this Valentine's Day, and have more fun than ever

Valentine’s Day is less than a week away. Sadly, my next paycheck arrives a week too late. Fuck. I could forgo groceries or delay paying the electric bill. Or I could hit up my sister for a loan I’ll never repay. OR I could just calm the fuck down.

As any idiot knows, men are simple creatures. If you’ve got food and sex covered, the rest is gravy.

Last year, February 14 was “Singles Awareness Day” for me as there was no boyfriend. I celebrated by buying a sharing-size bag of peanut M&M’s and watching The Big Lebowski. It was almost like a date with Jeff Bridges. Jeff is pretty damn good-looking, and I was alone with him in my room (or at least his likeness) for one hour and 57 minutes, and then there was the M&M’s, which, fortunately, I didn’t have to share. Not gonna lie. That evening SUCKED. Big time. I didn’t even get to touch Jeff or put my hand down his pants, so I was unable to confirm he was The “BIG” Lebowski. 🤣 😂 🤣

This year is altogether different, thanks to Doug. Valentine’s Day is going to be fantastic, as is every night with him. He’s always taking us out for delicious food, and if we’re staying in, he brings take-out! He always looks nice, smells nice, and he acts really nice, if you catch my drift. Yes, I am totally spoiled. So, it is incumbent on me to reciprocate with something special. And since I now know what he likes, this is a no-brainer.

Let’s start off with the survey I gave my fans on X. The first question went to the men: “What do guys really want for Valentine’s Day?” Here’s their response…

Only one idiot picked silk boxers. It's pretty clear what guys want, though there were a few interesting write-ins. One guy wanted “model railway stuff,” another wanted his social security check, and TMG123 wanted “A Pepsi. Just One Pepsi.” I don’t think I need to warn you about guys who do model railroads. Just know they are way off, especially if they are turning down blowjobs.

Then I asked the guys: “What do you want your sweetheart to wear on Valentine’s Day?” Surprisingly no one chose lingerie. Thank god. Invariably that stuff is ill-fitting, scratchy, and expensive.

Guess how much it costs to dress in “nothing”? That’s right – NOTHING! This is where we break into the usual musical interlude. “Nothing From Nothing,” by Billy Preston. Don’t be shy. Rip your clothes off and dance. Just be sure to draw the curtains first.

There are a few other freebies to consider giving as gifts, besides nudity. Homemade videos are super easy, and fortunately, with men, you don’t have to be very creative. Think CRUDE, and know you will hit their sweet spot. Props for this video include lip gloss and a banana. You don’t even need to brush your hair, and if you’re looking shagged out, just put on sunglasses. I find any of the music from Narcos makes a great backdrop.

“Eating A Banana”

Be sure to get a green banana so it’s good and stiff. And I would suggest making a lot of noise with your mouth, something I forgot to do. Smacking and sucking sounds. Just be careful not to inhale a chunk of banana. Cost: $0.58.

Fun With Undies

Imagine sending stud muffin off to work with a pair of fragrant undies stashed in one of his pockets. Later in the day, when he’s trying to concentrate in a board meeting, he’ll reach into his breast pocket to retrieve a pen, and voila, there is a pair of your panties. Hopefully, his colleagues won’t notice his face turning crimson as he quickly stuffs them into his briefcase. Later that afternoon, he’ll no doubt pull them out in the privacy of his office. Thank goodness there’s a lock on the door. 🔥🔥🔥

Cost: $0.00.

Something interesting just came across Tom’s screen. Ping!

Sexting

You better believe this is one of the best Valentine’s Day gifts ever. I could show you some examples of things to say (because god knows I now have 4032 messages in this category), but I fear getting my Substack account taken down. The Bad Girls Bible has lots of great lines to sext, and they cover loads of other important topics, like how to give a great blowjob. A personal fav in the texting realm: “Take your clothes off. Lie down. Shut up.” You could shoot this text off while you’re on the toilet and he’s on the couch fiddling with the remote. Bet you money he’ll be reclining on the bed, buck naked, when you emerge from the bathroom. And you can bet the TV won’t be on.

Cost: $0.00.

Lusty Dining Out

If you and your wooly mammoth are heading out for a romantic dinner, consider acting out the eating scene from Tom Jones - in the restaurant. You might have to be a tad more subtle, depending on the lighting and your proximity to tables with children.

I went out for a chicken dinner with Doug last night and about lost my mind watching him engulf a chicken thigh, then gingerly pick the bones out of his mouth with chicken juices dripping into his beard. Didn’t think I was going to make it through the dessert course. I had a really hard time keeping my composure when my son’s former baseball coach stopped by to say “hi,” and in the background, Doug started in on the chicken leg.

Serve Him Papers

Imagine his surprise when your friend Kailani turns up to serve Fuzzy WasHe papers. What could this be? What has he done? There will be a brief moment of panic.

Phone Vibrator

You’re gonna love giving Massage Me to you-know-who for Valentine’s Day. I hope the two of you have waterproof phones 😬 😬 😬 Tried it out, and it’s FANTASTIC. There are lots of different settings and adjustable intensity. Works much better when it’s not in a case.

Cost: $5 / one-time fee

Naughty Invoice

Send big boy to the moon with a naughty invoice. He’ll lose his mind. I couldn’t show you a copy of the real one I did, but it was XXX. 🔥🔥🔥 You know what your guy likes, so get real personal.

Hope that gets your imagination going.

Put it out there! And count on some fun times ahead.