Throw It Away

Take chances with love, or risk never experiencing it

Throw It Away

I think about the life I live
A figure made of clay
And think about the things I lost
The things I gave away

And when I'm in a certain mood
I search the house and look
One night I found these magic words
In a magic book

Throw it away
Throw it away
Give your love, live your life
Each and every day

by Abbey Lincoln

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As many of you have come to expect and hopefully appreciate, my blogs and writing are a collage – of feelings, thoughts, connections to the past, and to other sources of inspiration, such as music, poetry, conversations with friends and random strangers, and imagery. Also part of the mix – observations about nature, physical sensuality, and psychology. Today is no different. These excursions are how I arrive at what I consider truth on nearly any subject, and these additional elements provide a richer palette for expression, especially when prose seems to fall short. I am simply guiding you down the same trail I just traversed. I never arrive anywhere simply by reading – it is always through an array of experiences.

So, let’s set the mood with this beautiful rendition of Throw It Away, with pianist Louis Durra, which I’ve been listening to for hours while contemplating the subject of intimacy. In case the point be missed, the “throw it away” of Throw It Away is about being generous in giving your love and in living life.

Today, I set aside time to disassemble a “mutual consent agreement for an intimate relationship” that a close friend had put together. She asked me to consider the validity and need for this sort of agreement and then comment on it in my blog for her benefit and the benefit of anyone else who might be entering into an intimate relationship late in life and who might, perhaps, be a tad rusty in the ways of love and modern expectations.

She wondered – could this sort of agreement be used to protect women as they moved into the unknown realms of intimacy? Could it prevent misunderstanding and hurt? Inspire confidence? Unleash passion? Lead to more satisfying sexual encounters? After reading it, my gut issued a resounding “No!” I hated that my reaction was unambivalent, especially as this is someone I love and respect deeply. I didn’t want her to feel insulted or misunderstood. So I changed trajectory on my approach, determined instead to understand why I personally felt so strongly against asking a potential sexual partner to sign off on a contract of this sort, especially when I am in full agreement on the principles contained within.

Her contract:

The principles here – no problem, I’m in complete agreement on all. I just take offense with legalese being the delivery vehicle. It’s harsh, and as far from romantic and inviting of intimacy as a document can get. Not a warm arm across the shoulders or a deep, beautiful smile.

Also, consider that legal documents can be triggering for anyone who’s been through hell with an ex in family court. In my case, I see the document, my blood pressure spikes, and I’m not even reading the words as they appear on the page. In a nutshell, if you insist on a potential lover signing this contract, you could well be forgoing a beautiful relationship, not to mention the desired spontaneity that love and romance normally bring. Many people, myself included, would consider this contract stone-cold. And perhaps a red flag that any interaction with this person is going to be guarded and overthought, not spontaneous, sexy, and joyful.

The point: this most unruly part of human behavior, sex, cannot be managed with legal agreements. Ask any of the app developers who created “love contract” applications who are now out-of-business – which is nearly all of them. Or “enjoy” the massive discussion on “sex agreements” done by Washington University’s Law Review. Their conclusion: this is territory next to impossible to regulate and control; contracts regarding issues of sex are literally impossible to enforce.

Dave Chappelle’s skit drives the point home…

My friend Brigitte’s contract wasn’t intended to be legally binding; the expectation was just that it would be an agreement between consenting adults laying out the ground rules for an intimate relationship. Still… loads of missing bits, which I’m going to enumerate, as she loves numbered lists:

1. Nowhere are feelings, pleasure, romance, or happiness mentioned. And to be fair, neither are the downsides of an experience that might not work out: upset, disappointment, sadness, and lack of fulfillment. I know this is a contract, not a romance novel, but still. Does it need to be bland? Why not make it playful and flirty? Drive the point home, while also putting a smile on your potential lover’s face.

2. The definition of “intimacy,” though described as “physical contact” between the parties, is clearly referencing sex and the acts leading up to it. This definition of intimacy is a euphemism, not the real definition. “Intimacy” implies emotional connection, familiarity, and understanding. Sex alone does not provide that. The big fallacy is in imagining sex and feelings can be compartmentalized. Not possible. Men and women alike develop feelings toward those who give us pleasure and to whom we provide pleasure. It’s really that simple.

3. Also missing is a statement of purpose. The why of engaging in these acts—now that’s important, relevant, and enticing.

I’m sure Brigitte imagined my covering these types of agreements to be timely, especially as we are well-entrenched in the reactionary aftermath of the #MeToo movement and because of its pertinence to our vulnerable population – i.e., older adults looking for physical and sexual encounters. The gist of the contract: to consider all the aspects of a potentially intimate relationship and to set guidelines and boundaries in advance of anything happening. In a perfect world, these sorts of legal contracts make logical sense, but in the chaotic world of humans, any scenario of how violations of the contract might play out is going to be either disastrous or hilarious. And predictable. I don’t mean to be rude, or cruel, but I do think I’m right on this. Love is messy, folks. That’s why we like it so much.

Do you really want to miss all these bits by texting instead of meeting up in person?

So how best to communicate with a potential lover, convey what you want, make clear your boundaries, and touch on any issues that warrant discussing? For starters, set a time to meet in person and then chuck your numbered checklist, Brigitte.

If at first you’re only able to communicate in writing, by text or email, make the best of it. Send bits and pieces of mixed media to help give a better sense of who you are, your proclivities, and what you find desirable. Send photos (and not just selfies), links to music, and topics of interest – really anything. Hopefully your potential love interest will reciprocate, in the process helping to fill in the portrait of who they are. Ideally, however, you should try to meet in person since the overarching goal is to enjoy physical intimacy if it turns out the two of you are a good fit. And if it turns out you’re not well suited for one another, be prepared for a good laugh and a “c’est la vie.” All of this starts with communication and in your confidently and freely expressing yourself.

For some, speaking up and saying what they want feels incredibly difficult – almost like stage fright, and doing so in person may feel overwhelming. But it must be done, so practice it in front of a mirror, if you must. Will your desires be received with open arms by this potential lover, or will they be rejected? It’s hard to know which way the wind will blow, but this is what makes the mating dance exhilarating: uncertainty. Enjoy the dance, and be prepared to accept the consequences, and having to repeat the process, maybe a lot. Though the most beautiful emotional experiences come naturally, that does not mean without effort. Prepare yourself for what your heart desires, then sing your song and have confidence that in doing so, eventually the right person will hear you. It is in preparing for courtship, both physically and emotionally, that we reveal bits of our aura, giving potential suitors a glimpse of what lies beneath.

When you eventually meet in person, and can look this other human being in the eyes and feel the warmth of their hand, that is the time to ask the important questions and to listen deeply for the answers. Let them share thoughts and worries, as you express support for their physical and emotional well-being in this exploration of intimacy. Reflect back the words that seem most important, to ensure understanding. And with gentle eyes, notice body language and expressions, breathing and the way your friend carries him- or herself. Once you’ve lovingly received their message, confidently express your own feelings, needs and desires. Know that things could get emotionally messy. Let them get emotionally messy. Provide comfort and safety. Model that which you desire.

Though your efforts may not always lead to intimacy, you will be softening yourself up for the day when the right partner arrives.

Leave yourself open to the unexpected. Be ready for it. And when that good thing arrives, accept it with all you are and be glad for it.

Throw It Away, continued

And keep your hand wide open
Let the sun shine through
'Cause you can never lose a thing
If it belongs to you

There's a hand to rock the cradle
And a hand to help us stand
With a gentle kind of motion
As it moves across the land

And the hand's unclenched and open
Gifts of life and love it brings
So keep your hand wide open
If you're needing anything

Throw it away
Throw it away
Give your love, live your life
Each and every day

by Abbey Lincoln