Understanding Your Wife’s Affinity For Tubes, Jars, and Bottles

Caution: DO NOT ATTEMPT INTERVENTION

featuring guest writer, Shawn Coyle

Gentleman, we‘ve all been there. You wander into the bathroom, and you wonder, “Does she really need all this stuff?” The short answer is yes, and today we’re going to break it down in terms we can all understand.

But first, we need to address your secret fear: Does she have an undiagnosed mental health issue or a latent hoarding fetish? In most cases, no. However, if the number of objects on the bathroom counter, in the shower, in your cabinets, including any adjacent closets or accessible crawlspaces, exceeds 5000 –not including any number of nail polish bottles and lipsticks (even if the colors look the same to you) then, my friend, professional help may be required.

Caution: Do Not Attempt Intervention at this stage. If you try to interrogate your wife or partner with a reasoned call for a reduction in the number of these objects, it can lead to an emotional altercation, flying plates, and – in extreme cases – yes, even crankiness.

Slowly back away from the bathroom and seek professional help. Field mediators are waiting on-call via the (sadly underfunded) 1-800 National Hotline for MMC (Middle-Age Male Confusion).

Okay, moving on: Here we will run down a few of the objects you may have seen and wonder: “What does it do?”

Since we have insufficient access to the volume of space-time continuum necessary to fully explicate all the possible items, I will detail just a couple. My object here is not to be comprehensive, but merely to demonstrate that, indeed, there is critical thought and scientific rationality at work, no matter how opaque that may seem at present.

Let’s all start off “curious” rather than certain. And honestly, a dose of self-reflection is helpful here as well. We can be certain that our partners may well question our own rationality in our various purchases. You can hear it now: “Why do you need so many truck accessories? Or fishing gear thingies? And who really needs two (2.5) full sets of golf clubs?” We know that the answer to these types of questions is: “Duh!” So let’s just skip the questioning and agree we’re better off avoiding needless hours in cohabitational Q&A, even if patiently laying out the facts for our sanity. Suffice to say, we’re all in the same boat.

And now on to the items slated for today’s review. I will attempt to provide a Shorthand-for-Guys™. Think of this as Google Translate.

Q: What is Volumizer?

Shorthand-for-Guys™: Viagra for hair. This nifty substance is chemically formulated to make hair look fuller, thicker, and lifted, especially at the roots. It adds bounce and body. It says: “Let’s party! I’m ready for my close-up selfies!”

PSA sidebar: regarding “selfies,” men… just a reminder that a gentlemen never sends unsolicited dick pics to a woman. Ever. Unless she specifically says to you, “Show me your Schmeckle!”, keep it in your pants. All good things come to those who wait. However, if a dick-pic is “on-request” then, remember the basics: a) side-lighting works best in a natural warm glow, never fluorescent, and b) taking shots more “close up and personal” will create a corollary effect like that described on your truck’s side mirrors: “Objects appear larger than they actually are.”

Now we come to the vast continent of knowledge known as Skin Care. Some women do not need any – or any cosmetic products at all for that matter. These types are known, clinically, as “young.” And there are many women of all ages who just don’t want it. It’s all good; we gentlemen always respect individual choice (so long as no animals are harmed, and that we can opt out of Disney-On-Ice). For those, however, who may choose to enhance their natural gifts through the multitude of enhancement options available, still we go back to the original question…

Q: What do all these tubes and jars do functionally?

Shorthand-for-Guys™: sanding, spackle, primer, and paint.

Q: Got it! But why so many? Why not just 2 or 3?

Shorthand-for-Guys™: Think vehicle maintenance. You’ve got to lubricate, rotate, refill, flush, grease, wash, wax, buff, etc., and the list goes on. We want our ride looking sharp –whether it’s just a quick spin over to Piggly Wiggly for dish soap and vitamin B12 tabs or revved-up and rockin’ for the Labor Day truck parade.

It’s all about Youth and Vitality. Do you love it? Do you want it? Sure, we do. We all would like to turn back the clock, and why not? You only go ‘round the racetrack one time, so why not optimize for action! And for the sweet coaxing of the dewy dawn of our former states of glorious youth, robust and flush in the rosy cheeks of human fun and fecundity.

So it’s not just the womenfolk. Men want it too (c.f., Cialis). The difference between us and the gals, in general, is that they tend to be more diligent in this project, more experimental, and, over time, ultimately, more successful. This becomes more and more clear, as well, as the years pass. Check it for yourself: People watch for an hour over at your local park and notice the late middle-aged couples walking together. The older the couple, the more the apparent age difference. At some point, the woman looks like she’s taking her dad out for a stroll.

Don’t let this be you! If you should find yourself walking in a 5% or more forward lean, baggy dad-jeans, and with a saggy belly, remember that your schmeckle is also saggy and baggy. In general, we resemble our dicks. We are our dicks. The good news is this is fixable! Good posture (yes, I’m talking yoga for men) and hitting the salad bar (sans bacon bits) are two great places to start.

Right – it looks like my time here is running short, so let’s wrap it up for today...

In our next session, we’ll jump into the wonderful, wacky worlds of: exfoliants, hyaluronic acids, niacinamides, peptides, retinoids serums, gels, creams, micelles, foundation (mineral, mousse, stick, liquid, powdered), concealers, blushes, bronzers, highlighters, mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow, brow pencils, brow powders, lip liner, lip gloss, lipstick, lip stain, tinted balm, parfum, eau de parfum, eau de toilette, body sprays, scented oils, moisturizers, body washes, body butter, scrubs, hair removal, nail treatments, haircare, styling, and follicle repair treatments!

In conclusion, what have we seen here today? I submit to you that it’s the very opposite of “clutter and confusion.” We see solid evidence of a) the studied application of the scientific method, b) the spirit of springtime, c) the love of youth and beauty, and d) a passion for self-respect.

But let’s not make the mistake of thinking that this is a gender-exclusive undertaking. Just for the gals? Not even! Quite frankly, men, a lot of us could use a bit of a buff up, perhaps a skoosh o’ hyaluronics wouldn’t kill us —or even a wee bit o’ power sanding (start with the P40-P60 grit).

Let’s take a page or two from the Ladies’ Playbook. And not to worry, guys! This will not make you Gay, or magically make you want to wear a dress (unless you’re into it, then by all means, enjoy), but it can help you shine in whatever (and whoever) you do.

Lotions and loofahs! These are your new friends.

And always keep in mind the Immortal Words of ZZ Top:

Clean shirt, new shoes; and I don’t know where I am goin’ to
Silk suit, black tie; I don’t need a reason why.

They come runnin’ just as fast as they can…
‘Cause every girl crazy ‘bout a Sharp Dressed Man.

Bonus Tips: Guys, for the sake of the children (who are the future!), go ahead and toss those cargo shorts, dumpy tees, plastic shoes, and anything with a camo pattern –unless shooting at birds is your “happy place,” then, for everyone’s sake, remember to change in the truck.

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Enjoy all of Shawn’s fabulous writing on Substack. Thank you, Shawn, for having my back as I recover. 😘