When Things Go Wrong
As much as I felt like writing satire this week, it just didn’t come to me. A rare occurrence, for sure. This week was wracked by the death of a young woman whom was a close friend of one of my children. She was a beautiful and vital person and deeply loved. She had been to see her dearest friend on Friday evening and the next morning was found alone in her car, the victim of a single car collision. The loss to all who knew her is unfathomable. So many plans and adventures, lifelong dreams and hopes, gone. Just like that. To imagine her friends looking for those ginger curls across the room at a New Year’s Eve party this weekend and not finding them is heartbreaking beyond belief. I have no idea how to comfort my child, her friend. Is it even possible?
So many of us have experienced isolation and the loss of loved ones over the last few years. Holidays with family and routine friend gatherings were altered or cancelled altogether. We have all become familiar with being alone and having our connections to people reduced to text messages, social media and the occasional phone call. People haven’t been getting touched or held. They’ve missed out on the smells, gestures and expressions of their loved ones. The shared fragrance of a home-cooked meal did not happen. Important life events could only be shared remotely or in tiny gatherings. Grief and happiness were put on indefinite hold. And for many, this has finally caught up with us.
I have been thinking about how all of the young people in my children’s sphere have had to come into adulthood. The rites of passage we knew, and which they had anticipated and looked forward to, vaporized overnight. There was no homecoming, no prom. No band concerts or plays, no football games or after-school sports. For those in college, campuses became ghost towns, dorms were emptied out, lab classes put on indefinite hold. Daily connections with friends amounted to calculus and English classes on Zoom. Other young people had no choice but to take on to menial jobs, plus a side hustle, in an attempt to cover the rising cost of living. And once lockdowns began, many were forced to work from home or lost their jobs altogether. All of this occurred at a time which is already fragile for those of their age: as they are transitioning into adulthood and without the benefit of full emotional maturity and life experience that would have helped them keep these challenges in perspective.
I am reminded every single day of how very hard this has been for my own young-adult children and their friends. They’ve had to suck it up for the sake of their families and communities and have kept much of their misery hidden. How could they possibly have the skill set to navigate such vast and sudden changes? Add to this a bleak picture of climate change and overpopulation, the proliferation of pollution and waste and basic human rights getting chipped away by politicians three or four times their age. It is all too much. It was most certainly too much for this beautiful 22-year old woman. She made one last try at connecting with the world, with her best friend, but that was not enough, as she so tragically demonstrated this week.
So many young people have been choosing to let go of life. In my friend and family circle alone there are now five young adults who have made this choice. When I walk my dog, I pass by two of their homes. Daily I am reminded that their families will not have these children coming to visit, and that their child was not safely tucked away in their old bedroom over the holidays. The thought that this could be my child, gone, passes through my mind every single day. It haunts me.
And so it goes for older adults, as well. Isolation, financial distress and the exacerbation of health issues are not good bedfellows and almost every time I am working at the farmers market and see my dear friends, I hear yet another story of someone who died earlier than expected from Covid, untreated health conditions or mental health issues. Many of my friends in the community are alone this holiday season, so many in fact, that I don’t know where to start in helping them, especially as I grapple with my own health concerns. The vast loss we are all experiencing, and which renders us less able to help those around us, has led many of us to “every man for himself.” A sad and lonely place to be.
Yet through all of this, I sense a glimmer of hope. I’ve had to look a little harder for it and get desperate enough to start grabbing any positive opportunity that came along, even activities that in my old life would have been unappealing. In the process I’ve found many new and beautiful hobbies, some of them even income-producing… gardening, feeding the birds, beekeeping, working at the farmers market selling honey, cooking, writing and once again playing my ebony flute. I have many people to thank for these opportunities and for always lending an ear: my sister Ash and adopted sister Lori, my parents, my good friends Kent, Tom, Thomas, Julie, Rebecca, Debbie, Anne, Liz, Doug, Jeff, Deborah and Zach, Penny, Robert, Meredith, Debra and my best friend Ed. And of course, my children, who are most precious to me. And my ever-loving pup, Sophie.
The good part of this: my old curmudgeonly perspective is shifting, like that big, overdue earthquake we’ve all been waiting for here in California. I have to believe that all of the current tumult and chaos is preparing us for a new era, one in which people who care about each other and all the living things on this planet are in the majority. If I were to have a prayer, it would be this: that going forward, people find pleasure in making the world a better place and in reaching outside of themselves to do so. There truly is nothing better or more meaningful. And though I am not a religious person, I do know this: this concept is the basis of every religion in the world. Sadly, our religious “leaders” have been horribly remiss in keeping people focused on these basic tenets.
And for those of us with vast life experience and emotional maturity (yes, us old folks), it is our turn and duty to help the young people in this world make it to the finish line of adulthood. You may be feeling too tired, weak and cranky, but those are not valid excuses for slacking on this important task. Over the last year, I have watched my father take my son under his wing, guiding him through the process of returning to college while juggling work, talking with him about his worries and aspirations and giving him a bit of spending money so he could take his beautiful girl out to dinner. And all of this from his easy chair. It has meant the world to my son and now he calls “Gramps” whenever he is having a challenging time. We all need to be there for this new generation of adults. It will feed your soul.
This is the resource for getting help: SAMHSA