Yesterday's Questions - ANSWERED
Yesterday's Questions - ANSWERED
In case you were wondering...
What would you never want your children to find in your house after you died?
My laptop (and its browsing history). My phone and the text messages from the Gnome of Twiggly.
Name three words you have always wanted to use in a conversation.
Lumbersexual, euromuff, and spankwire.
Who is/was the sexiest pope in history?
Pope Paul III Farnese.
What is the worst tip you ever gave someone, and why?
$1. Food never materialized. Ever. The bill arrived, and then the restaurant closed.
What is your favorite thing to do in the shower?
I love to brush my teeth in the shower (shame on all of you who imagined something else).
What monster from a movie do you feel sorry for?
King Kong.
What should be the name of Leticia James’ new lingerie line?
Habeas Corpus (“you should have the body”).
What is your favorite brand of sauerkraut?
Boar’s Head Sauerkraut.
If there was one celebrity you would most like to emulate, who would that be?
Sharon Stone or Melissa McCarthy.
If there was one celebrity you would most like to immolate, who would that be?
Elon Musk.
What do women want, exactly?
Multiple orgasms. Duh.
Did you ever cheat on your colonoscopy?
Yes, I did. I did not drink the last round of Satan’s kool-aid the morning of.
Which religious denominations have the best potlucks?
For vegetarians: Seventh-Day Adventists.
For meat eaters: Southern Baptists.
Which Axe product scents cause an instant migraine?
All of them, but especially Royal Pineapple.
What is something you enjoy doing poorly?
Cooking. Bad cooking = more dinners out with my boyfriend.
Which male celebrities would be hard-pressed to pull it off as a woman?
Mel Gibson. John Goodman.
What was/is your favorite prank?
Packing a can of sardines in my son’s lunchbox in middle school.
Have you ever lit anything on fire?
Yes. My barbie doll.
What is on your black bucket list?
Shoving my ex-husband’s 1922 Steinway Model B piano off the Stags Leap Ridge.
What the fuck is a black bucket list?
A to-do list of revenges - known to improve one’s mental health and give karma a nudge.
What terrible name did you almost choose for your child?
Dot.
What is your favorite male body part?
The scrotum.
What are your favorite snacks that you eat in secret?
Worcestershire sauce, capers, pickled pearl onions, canned black olives.
What articles of clothing should be legally banned for men?
White knee-high tube socks, polyester golf shirts, tighty whities, shoes with tassels.
What are your top 10 blasphemous names for “Jesus Christ”?
Cheese ‘n’ rice, christopher walken, jeezuz, smegmata, hey zeus, pleaseus, mashiah, reverse parachute, shitwow, and john lennon.
Which sardines are superior to all others?
King Oscar Tiny Tots.
What is the best SNL skit of all time?
Royal Family Doctor with Bill Hader as Kate Middleton’s OBGYN.
Why don’t your children like you to bake over the holidays?
Because I can’t help throwing in flaxseed, oat bran, wheat bran, whole wheat flour, etc.
What are the most interesting things you’ve seen for sale on eBay?
Used dirty undies and used RIVERDALE High School Cheer Socks ($175 for one pair).
Who was your stupidest teenage crush?
Telly Savalas.
What is the worst candy ever?
Peeps.
How do you convey to your boyfriend that you don’t want to have sex?
Not sure, as this has never happened.
Which political figures have peacocking down to a fine art?
Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron. 🔥
What is the worst gift you ever received?
Fishing lure-style earrings from my stepmother. There may be “a lot of fish in the sea,” but none would take this bait. They were hideous.
What is the stupidest thing a man has ever said/done to you?
An attorney friend prefaced his request for my hand in marriage by telling me “I just want you to know I really like cats.” Alrighty then.
If you had one free do-over, what would it be?
I would have played French horn instead of flute because the whole section was boys.
What stunt almost got you kicked out of grade school?
Teaching my entire 4th grade class the facts of life.
Which household gadgets can double as sex toys?
Not going to answer this one.
If you had a super-rich boyfriend, and he was to buy you a car, what would it be?
Porsche Cayenne with every fucking bell and whistle.
What is the funniest bible verse of all time?
Ecclesiastes 7:4: “The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.” Go ahead, call me a fool.
On which popular song did you completely misunderstand the lyrics as a child?
King of the Road. Lyrics.
How many beehives are too many?
What a stupid question.
Why did you never get past the first round in cheerleading tryouts?
Because when we had to come up with our own cheers, mine were either quasi-obscene or included profanity.
Which celebrity would you most like to marry but never want to see his movies?
Keanu Reeves.
Who did you secretly crush on in The Three Stooges - Larry, Curly, or Moe?
Curly. Nuk, nuk. 🔥