Caught In The Polar Vortex
For those of you who've been good, send me your wish list NOW! Yours truly, Santa.
by Kris Kringle
Greetings from the North Pole.
What a trip around the sun this has been. My gift to you: I’m sparing you a rehash of the year in politics. I fear that your getting retraumatised could lead to overimbibing at the punchbowl, and between the off-the-charts caloric content of eggnog, and the 146.4 proof Garrison Brothers Cowboy Bourbon that Uncle Ron slipped into the mix, you’ll either die from alcohol poisoning, or be curled up on the couch in the fetal position with severe cramps on account of your lactose intolerance.
What would be the purpose of rehashing all the terrible stuff that went down this year, when there is absolutely nothing you can do about it? Let it go, is what I say — we are all at the mercy of the MAGA tsunami. You know, and I know where this MAGA movement is headed — it’s gonna wipe out civilisation as we know it. Hell, it’s already wiped out civility.
My only suggestion is that if you’ve got any surgeries you’ve been putting off, try to pack those in before the New Year. It’ll save you from having to file for bankruptcy in 2026.
And, until this Trump-Project 2025 nightmare has passed, and it will, enjoy your Jelly-of-the-Month Club membership (which you’ll receive in lieu of health benefits and that bonus for your record sales in 2025), and stay close to family and friends, except maybe Ron and Elaine and their Klan. FYI, you’ve got my permission to tell the MAGA branch of your family to go fuck themselves and to retract their invitation to Christmas dinner.
Yes, 2026 is going to be a bitch, but for now, while you still have a wee bit of cash in the bank, try to chill. Splurge on the Ruffles potato chips and pre-made sour cream onion dip, and make yourself a gallon of dark chocolate peppermint kombucha to wash it down. Then, cue up every Vince Gilligan series and Coen Brothers movie on Netflix and binge-watch them before you have to renew your subscription on January 1. Trust me when I say you’re going to have to cancel a half dozen subscriptions for the coming year if you want to eat.
Here’s the deal… what we’re going through right now is not unlike what folks were experiencing in the late twenties under Herbert Hoover, right before the Stock Market Crash of 1929, which officially heralded in The Great Depression. There are striking similarities between the economic policies of Hoover and those of Trump, namely protectionism through high tariffs, blaming immigrants for economic woes, the optimistic denial of the impending financial crisis, and a cascade of significant job losses. What went down in 1929 — that is happening now.
For some perspective, here’s a letter I sent out in 1930:
Free Passes for Christmas 2025
I’m excusing some behaviors that in past years would have disqualified anyone from receiving their Big Ask:
🎄 Loudly expressing disgust with anyone in a MAGA hat, even at funerals.
🎄 Swearing profusely and often, except around children.
🎄 Cutting ties with family and friends who are racist, misogynistic bigots.
🎄 Completely ignoring Republicans who complain about shitty produce at the grocery store, not being able to afford chemotherapy, or being the victim of a World Liberty Financial scam.
🎄 Refusing to offer thoughts and prayers to MAGAs upset about the measles outbreak in their community.
🎄 Not holding the door for someone who is limping after doing (for the first time) all of their own yardwork, and/or if they are wearing a Charlie Kirk T-shirt.
🎄 Rolling your eyes when your MAGA neighbor cries about her estranged GenZ children and can’t understand why they’re not coming home for the holidays. Refer her to #nocontactfamily on TikTok for enlightenment.
🎄 Cruelly trolling Alpha Males on X.
🎄 Boycotting every business in town run by MAGAs and posting reviews with links to purchase similar products elsewhere (minus Amazon).
Here are some of the funniest wishes I got from folks this year:
Of course, every one of these assholes is getting a lump of coal. 🤣 FYI, if you’ve got similarly worthy recipients, know that Amazon has a great selection of festively wrapped coal, and with their expedited shipping, it can arrive in time for maximum disappointment, i.e., Christmas Eve.
I would LOVE to get a special letter from you, telling me exactly what you’d like this year. Use my comment section, please! And do respond to the survey below…
😄😆🤣
I don't have any magats in my life so I'm good.