Life Isn't Like That

So get over it and get on with it

Our hiking guide: Mr. Happy Pants

You’re going along, and the path ahead seems really clear. You’re following all the signs with the arrows. And you haven’t strayed from the trail. According to the map, you should be back to your car in about 20 minutes. And thank god, because you’re dying of thirst and you’ve got plans for dinner with friends. It’s a beautiful day— the perfect day for a hike, right?

Good chance things will not go according to plan, because life isn’t like that. There is no perfect anything. There are no givens. What’s more? Perfect = boring. Perfect = meaningless. Perfect is not real. Do not trust perfect, especially if it’s a woman’s breasts.

These are not real. Real tits aren’t like that. Ask Liz. When I showed this picture to our hiking guide, John, he said, “How can you tell those are fake?”

But, go ahead… plan the hell out of your excursion: pick a day with ideal weather, wear proper hiking boots, pack water, and trail mix. Just keep in mind… things happen. One of those trail marker arrows might get turned the wrong way (perhaps a prank), and your four-mile hike turns into a 12-miler. Or, you’re three miles in and find a tree has fallen across the path; back you go, the way you came. Hopefully you enjoyed the scenery because now you get to see it twice. Or you do a faceplant after tripping on a rock and round out your beautiful afternoon with a painful case of road rash. Worse yet, you have a monumental argument with your hiking companion, and off she stomps with said trail mix and water. Oh yeah, and she drove. Good luck getting home.

This trail mix looks innocent enough, but you never know when you’ll bite into a rancid Brazil nut. Nothing like urgently needing to take a dump when you’re out hiking with your new girlfriend (the one with the fake tits).

Sometimes, it’s best to let go of what life is supposed to look like and surrender to its flow.

More often than not, you’re gonna find yourself having to take a detour onto The Road Not Taken, i.e. not the road you chose – the other one, the unfamiliar one. You could get all disappointed about that, or you could just get on with it.

And you might find all those twists and turns engaging. And you might find yourself laughing every time you fall flat on your ass. Just saying.

All of this will remind you that you are alive. And fuck - that is something.

So beautiful that poison oak. Underneath the colorful foliage was our hiking trail.

This is a poem I wrote/plagiarized for last weekend’s wonderful hiking leader (and feral senior), John:

THE TRAIL NOT TAKEN
 
Two trails diverged in a thicket of poison oak,
And sorry I could not choose one
And avoid getting covered with urushiol
Looked beyond both for as far as I could
To determine a way around the leaves of three
 
To arc around, seemed a possible plan
To avoid perhaps the itching pain
The hillside was grassy and without vines
Though as for that, its passability unclear
As it had ne’er been attempted before
 
That morning both outcomes equally lay
Step through poison oak or slide down a gravelly cliff
Sadly, I kept the first for another day
Avoiding the itch, I slipped down the hill
And doubted if I should ever come back
 
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two trails diverged in a thicket, and I—
I took an untested detour 
And now have a full-body friction burn

John’s recommended detour around the poison oak.

The really cool thing about John’s hike and our harrowing slide down the mountain is that at the end of it, two of the Episcopalians hooked up—this after spontaneously embracing at the bottom of that gravelly hillside. As for John, he’s a local justice of the peace and will be officiating their marriage after he gets treated for his injuries.

Sometimes, things have a way of working out for the best. Believe it.

This song has fuck-all to do with the story, but I really like it.