Singles With Shingles
The woefully inadequate online dating scene for seniors
I’m back! Had a bit of writer’s block for the last month. Writing this column has been a bit like trying to treat a fecal impaction. There is absolutely no pleasant way to do that, and once you start your course of treatment, you damn well better stay at home the rest of the day to deal with the consequences. So take your pick - will you use a stool softener, an enema, the doctor’s finger up your ass, or will someone be trying to massage your poop through your abdomen? That last option - never, ever heard of that working. A poop massage. Not relaxing, not romantic, and fucking ouch.
My virtual fecal impact began as a result of having to write sponsored content articles for months—the equivalent of making Wonder Bread the foundation of your dietary regimen. For a brief period of time, I was earning money by writing articles on rugs, realtors, ketamine, dental implants, dog vacations, and sushi. An absolute fucking blast. Know that I am now an expert on all of these subjects. Feel free to come to me with any questions you have.
Truth be told, I was also enjoying a lot of sex. This, in lieu of watching the news. Yes, I am a recovering political junkie who is now a sex maniac. The big news - I no longer need blood pressure medication. I think you can draw your own conclusions on how that came about. For those of you who find connect-the-dots a challenge, let me make this super simple... sex = good for you, monitoring the current political scene = congestive heart failure. Remarkably, the world continues on its collision course without my expertise and snark. Hopefully, my Twitter pals still love me after six months of failing to troll Ron DeSantis, Ivanka Trump, and Ken Paxton.
OK, let’s get back to the topic of the day. Gonna set the mood, as usual, with a bit of music. No lyrics = write your own. Make the day YOURS.
I know, I know… it was months ago that I promised a number of my readers that I would describe and rate the various dating apps and write suggestions on how to write a winning dating profile. Yeah… I know you’re out there, David from Boston - please forgive me. You’ve probably met the love of your life by now and subsequently filed for divorce. It’s been that long, I get it.
GENERAL THOUGHTS ABOUT DATING APPS FOR SENIORS
Let’s start with a reality check: those of us over 60 are SENIORS. Split hairs all you like, but that is where we’re at. At this age, we are not looking to start a family, we’re pretty damn set in our ways, and we've figured out that finding a “soul mate” is more elusive than running into Sasquatch at the local donut shop. Besides age, what else is at play here that makes seniors different from everyone else who’s trolling for love?
By age 60, most of us have had a long career or multiple careers, had children and experienced marriage, gone through financial ruin or just spent too much at Costco, had a parent die, dealt with medical issues and injuries, and numerous other challenges. We have also, hopefully, fine-tuned our social skills and bullying techniques, are able to keep a household in order, and are competent in our careers or have mastered the skill of withdrawing from our trust fund the correct amount needed to cover our monthly bills. And many of us have developed a wicked sense of humor, and it’s kept us from losing our minds.
Most importantly, older adults have information they need to convey about the stage they’re at on their life journey so that others, who do not yet know them intimately, have a clue as to where they stand on things. For example, a man who was married to the same woman for over 50 years has a different life view, challenges, and needs than a man who has never had a wife or children. These variations need to be expressed with confidence and the challenges defined, especially those that could impact a relationship.
Let’s enumerate a few of the “challenges” facing older adults – I’ll say them out loud for those of you feeling shy… fear of snakes, inability to get aroused when your partner doesn’t look like Brigette Bardot, forgetting where you put the remote for the garage, dealing with vaginal dryness, worry about how you’ll remember the passwords for 48 phone apps, anxiety over low sex drive, trying to figure out how to pay your bills online, erectile dysfunction, and arachnophobia, to name but a few.
Dating apps, as a rule, don’t address any of these complexities, some of which can seriously affect your dating life. If we can’t be straight up about who we are, how can we possibly connect with the right person—someone who is willing (and hopefully enthusiastic) to meet us where we’re at in life and who needs us to reciprocate that courtesy?
And let’s face it… as we get older, we’ve no time to waste, and our dating pool is getting more shallow as the years go by. In terms of looking for romantic companionship, we need to get on it asap and be precise about our needs and expectations from the get-go.
DATING APP FLAWS THAT RELATE TO US COFFIN-DODGERS
• Dating apps are a brute-force way to meet people: quantity over quality • There are a ridiculous number of dating apps out there; which one is best? • Profile prompts don't reflect generational differences and priorities • The #1 focus of most apps is photos, i.e. appearance • Relationship challenges of older adults are not addressed • Many older folks who date are rusty in the ways of love and need guidelines, something these sites don't offer
Of course, there are advantages to using dating apps, namely that there is typically a plethora of people to choose from, and folks are screened for age, interests, sexual orientation, location, and the like. All of that is great, but the experience is still one-dimensional. No dating app can possibly replace the experience of meeting people in the flesh, with clothes on, of course, at least until dinner is over. Think body language, voice, facial expressions, smell (and taste), conversational skills, etiquette, do they eat with their mouth open, how they interact with others, and how they look at us – all things that cannot be ascertained from a dating app profile.
Dating apps should be just one of many ways to go about widening your social circles as you search for romantic companionship. It will likely take a bit of experimenting to find those spots where the people speak your language. Perhaps this is obvious, but getting involved in community projects, volunteer work, adult education classes, hiking, biking, and gardening groups, political causes, going to concerts, and social events… all of these are good. Less obvious are the eligible people you should be on the lookout for on the street, in the park, at the grocery store, where you get your teeth cleaned, and the like. Keep your eyes and heart open – there are terrific people all around you, and some of them are single and may find you to be dateable. And many of these great catches don’t use dating apps. I met the wonderful Mr. Happy Pants while fact-checking one of the articles I mentioned above. It’s highly unlikely we would ever have run into one other otherwise. Now I know to always fact-check my articles.
DATING APPS TO CONSIDER FOR SENIORS
There is a friggin’ laundry list of dating apps out there and loads of reviews, though the ranking of these sites seems to correlate with the size and frequency of the ads taken out in the publication doing the reviews. I found the most useful information about the quality of the apps on Reddit - i.e. reviews from the man (or woman) on the street. I also tried out a few of the sites myself. Holy shit. I recognized half the people that popped up on Bumble. Now I’m going to have to wait a couple of weeks to venture out for groceries as one of the guys who liked me is a cashier at my fav grocery store. Awkward, to say the least.
Sites I consider worth trying for older adults include Bumble, Tinder, Match, eHarmony, EliteSingles, and Hinge. This is based on the following criteria:
• User comments on Redditt and Quora • Reviews from major publications • Personal experience in trying out the sites • Commentary from psychologists • Structure, ease-of-use, stated priorities of the site • Number of subscribers
Which sites are best for a particular person really boils down to the type of relationship the person is looking for, their expectations in terms of quantity and quality of matches, the person’s preferred communication style, and the types of people desired. Here’s a quick rundown…
Bumble Bumble's claim to fame is that with heterosexual matches, the woman must message first. This is a female-centric platform, which ironically has more male subscribers. It is simple and easy to use, seems to attract quality singles, and has few fake or inactive accounts. Tinder Tinder is very popular and has a huge base of subscribers. For those looking for casual sex, this is the spot. Complaints seem to focus on the overwhelming number of matches to consider, the more casual sex focus, and the lack of quality generally. For those just entering the online dating scene, this is not the app for you. For those looking for a casual hook-up, lower your landing gear. Match & eHarmony Both of these sites are considered among the best for those seeking a serious relationship and for those wanting a more intellectual and emotional connection. Both have a huge subscriber base, which means lots of options, no matter where you live. Hinge Those who have used Hinge seem impressed by its more thoughtful prompts and its spot-on matches, which are apparently driven by the site's exceptional, award-winning algorithms. EliteSingles EliteSingles appears in numerous reviews as the spot for singles (of all ages) who are exceptionally well-educated and at the top of their game professionally.
Dating apps to avoid include Zoosk, which is overrun with inactive and fake accounts, scams, plus loads of folks complaining about bad matchmaking. Other less satisfying sites are those that cater specifically to seniors, like OurTime and SilverSingles. Apparently, most of the senior sites attract conservative, religious types, and if you’re reading my column, it’s unlikely you fall into either of those categories, bless yer heart.
Get out there friends. Go dancing, stay up all night watching movies, get spiffy and smell nice, enjoy some great food, talk dirty, take a hike, hold hands, and canoodle. And then, well you know… go for it! What are you waiting for?!
Some parting music to enhance your day, compliments of Mr. Happy Pants, my favorite man in the whole world.
Burt Bacharach hits. If you like these tunes, you are a senior. Got it?
Great info! I've fallen into the Plenty of Fish trap and it's pretty much all scammers and fake profiles. UGH!!!
I am a Bacharach fan and I am not a senior.