The Autobahn Field Guide to Men Over 50

North American | Men 50+

North American Men Over 50

Explore North American men, learn about their lives and habitats, and how changes in women’s attitudes toward them have impacted their ability to get laid.

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Beach Bum Boy | Litore bum pueri

Beach Bum Boy

At a Glance

One of our least popular men, Beach Bum Boy, is abundant in the lower Midwest and Deep South, where he can find gainful employment in industries that require no college education, high school diploma, or technical skills. Beach Bum Boy and his bros spend many days at local watering holes vaping, wading, putting back brewski, and eating bologna sandwiches on Wonder Bread. They are famous for their deep sunburns, which result from passing out drunk in the midday sun.

Range & Identification

Litore bum pueri can be found throughout the Ozarks, in Missouri, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Kansas, and Illinois.

This male has an average height of 5’9” and a BMI between 30 and 34. His thin, underdeveloped arms, apron belly, red neck and face, and bloodshot eyes make him easy to spot (and avoid). As does his MAGA hat.

Songs & Mating Calls

Habitat

Litore bum pueri lives in heavily wooded areas, where he can be found shooting off guns and napping on a filthy hammock on the veranda of his cottage. He also enjoys stomping around the muddy flats surrounding Lake of the Ozarks. Litore bum pueri loves camping in semi-open habitats, from forest clearings and swamps to city parks — wherever there are dense bushes for urinating and defecating.

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Way Cool Fool | Ipsum stulte frigus

At a Glance

Deliciously good-looking with a great sense of humor. Ipsum stulte frigus is eye candy from head to toe and abundantly popular on both coasts and all blue states and in specific neighborhoods in the deep south, attracting mates of every ethnicity. Known for being well-endowed and great at shooting hoops, this man is also totally at home in the kitchen and with the charcoal smoker, making mouth-watering BBQ spare ribs and link sausages. He’s also smokin’ hot in bed.

Range & Identification

Way Cool Fools can be found in New York City and Chicago, Detroit, Memphis, and Atlanta, and throughout the Southeast United States.

This male has an average height of 6’2” and a BMI between 22 to 24.9. His radiant dark chocolate skin, beautiful smile, full lips, captivating laugh, and urban casual style make him appealing to women of all ages.

Songs & Mating Calls

Habitat

Ipsum stulte frigus can be found in heavily populated urban areas, relaxing on brownstone stoops, enjoying funk and classic soul at city nightclubs. or partaking in family social gatherings on weekends.

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Connoisseur of Liquor | Cupidum liquoris

At a Glance

The Connoisseur is often deceivingly well-coifed, though there are typically bags under his jaundiced eyes. Skin is often red and inflamed from alcohol flush, so he tans excessively to disguise this condition. The Connoisseur is often crabby and rude before he’s had a drink and then again after he’s imbibed overly. The short period between sobriety and drunkenness is often filled with effusive behavior and colorful anecdotes.

Range & Identification

Connoisseurs of Liquor are found throughout the continental United States, as well as in Hawaii and other U.S. territories.

The average height and weight of these men have been hard to ascertain as they are typically found on a barstool in a dark bar, stooped over a drink. Their accent, often mistaken for the Queen’s English, was likely acquired from years of watching BBC programming on Britbox. Female Connoisseurs of Liquor seem the only women attracted to these men, and together, they produce offspring plagued by Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

Songs & Mating Calls

Habitat

The Cupidum liquoris can be found in trendy neighborhoods in large metropolitan areas throughout the United States, minus Milwaukee and all of Alaska.

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Messiah Guy | Messias guy

At a Glance

Messias guy is tragically good-looking, but when he opens his mouth, one realizes he has the intellect of a 13-year-old longboarder. This causes many females to experience Sudden Vaginal Atrophy.

The only habitat in which this creature thrives is the narcissistic jungle commonly known as Los Angeles. Forays into other territories often result in Messias guy getting mercilessly ridiculed.

Well-documented is the inverse relationship between Messiah Guy’s long, gorgeous hair and the size of his third leg.

Range & Identification

Messiah Guy is found primarily in Southern California, though there are occasional sightings in Miami.

This male has an average height of 5’7” and a BMI of around 19.5. He is recognizable by his faux-disheveled locks, meticulously trimmed “stubble,” and his radiant porcelain veneers, which were subsidized by his girlfriend, a former star of the silent screen.

Songs & Mating Calls

Habitat

The Messias guy can be found most weekday evenings bellying up to the bar at SUR Restaurant & Lounge in South Hollywood and he spends weekends longboarding in Santa Monica.

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Handsome Hiker | Pulcher homo hiking

At a Glance

Pulcher homo hiking is a sturdy, solid specimen. He’s got a hearty constitution, practices good personal hygiene, has excellent manners, and he’s gainfully employed. He’s handsome, a great cook, and an enthusiastic partner in bed. He’s also married.

Range & Identification

Packs of Handsome Hikers can be found in the especially adulterous states of Texas, Alabama, and Nebraska. These types of men are near extinction in Minnesota and Maryland.

Pulcher homo hiking has an average height of 5’11” and a BMI of around 30. He is recognizable by his neatly trimmed beard and mustache, his short cropped hair, and his neatly pressed clothes (courtesy of the missus).

Songs & Mating Calls

Habitat

Pulcher homo hiking can be found on beaches and flat, wooded walking paths, where single women are sunbathing or jogging. He is at the ready with a soft blanket and pillow, a bottle of Sauv Blanc, and a picnic lunch, all tucked into his handy seduction kit.

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Master of the Cul de Sac | Magister cul de sac

At a Glance

The Magister cul de sac is a cranky widower obsessed with yard work. Those familiar with this species know not to be deterred, as his behavior is a genetic predisposition for Deadly Sperm Build-up, a condition which likely began mid-way through his long marriage — a side effect of his fidelity combined with his wife’s waning sex drive. Ironically, the crankiness of DSB often perpetuates the condition.

Women tuned in to the signs of DSB can quickly turn the condition into an afternoon of fun by leading the Master (by the hand) to his gated backyard, where both can discreetly enter the great room through sliding glass doors, where they can fornicate on the kitchen table all afternoon.

Range & Identification

Masters of the Cul de Sac can be found in gated communities and cul de sacs throughout North America, including parts of Canada. MCSs are known to enjoy reciprocating sex therapy for weeding, pruning, and cleaning gutters.

This male has an average height of 5’10” and a BMI of 30 to 33. He is recognizable by his attire of well-worn Merrill sneakers, grass-stained jeans, and a frayed Tommy Hilfiger hoodie (or similar outlet mall attire) and is generally well-groomed and clean in all the right places.

Songs & Mating Calls

Habitat

As the name would suggest, the Magister cul de sac is most at home in a cul de sac, though gated communities generally and Central Florida retirement communities, such as Latitude Margaritaville, are also popular with this species.

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Unemployed Eunuch | Spado sine pecunia

At a Glance

Spado sine pecunia is a lazy, good-for-nothing, unemployed, selfish excuse-for-a-man. The only thing he has going for him is his modestly good looks. Turn-offs include his never wearing socks, his long, chlorine-damaged hair, and his slightly mismatched Walmart army pants paired with an Eileen Fisher linen jacket, which he doesn’t realize is for women since it was inadvertently hung in the men’s section at the thrift store.

Range & Identification

Unemployed Eunuch can be found hanging out in Delaware, New Jersey, and Detroit with his gearhead friends. His suburb is not supported by mass transit and is unsuitable for biking or traversing by foot. Unable to secure a car loan, UE relies on friends for rides to work or when taking a lady out to dinner.

This male has an average height of 5’6” and a BMI of around 22. His wardrobe is anything in olive drab or khaki paired with an assortment of black, scoop-neck women’s T-shirts from Banana Republic

Songs & Mating Calls

Habitat

The Spado sine pecunia works five days a week stocking shelves at Valley Building Supply and does oil changes at Budget Lube on weekends. Friday and Saturday nights are spent blowing out the cobwebs in his best bud’s 2023 Plum Crazy Dodge Challenger.

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The Bedroom Biologist | Biologus qui amat sexus

At a Glance

Biologus qui amat sexus is renowned for his ridiculously thick head of hair, handlebar mustache, and luscious beard. He is a remarkably fit silver fox, if a bit eccentric with his lorgnette opera glasses, Victorian wool vest, watch fob, and rosewood pipe, which is empty, like his soul.

This sexy creature enjoys hanging out in trendy gastro-distilleries and noodle shops where he can be found nursing an artisan bourbon (served neat) as he tortures through the latest issue of Current Protocols in Bioinformatics while discreetly checking out the asses on every 20-some-year-old waitress that walks by.

Range & Identification

The Bedroom Biologist can be found on both coasts of the United States, though primarily in states with cooler climates, such as Maine, Massachusetts, upstate New York, Oregon, and Washington State where his modus operandi is to provide late night office hours to sophomores (female only) struggling to pass molecular biology. Especially popular is his office with its plush couch, hanging fireplace, jacquard cashmere throw and blinds that can be drawn for privacy.

This male has an average height of 6’2” and a BMI of around 23. His thick hair, though casually coiffed, gets a $225 “trim” (+ gratuity) once a month at Vidal Sassoon, and is cultivated with numerous hair tonics, then styled meticulously with a Drybar Blowdryer Brush. No expense is spared on this prof’s best feature.

Songs & Mating Calls

Habitat

Biologus qui amat sexus is found within a six-block radius of major research universities with large biology departments and competitive undergraduate degree programs. He seeks petite female companions, preferably with a C-cup, for non-mating purposes, especially those looking to improve their grades and/or to move into a doctoral program.

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Garbage Guy | Guido quis vult quisquiliarum

At a Glance

Guido quis vult quisquiliarum is the cutest among all North American men, though his habits, while adorable to some, are considered deplorable to others, namely his habit of picking up garbage wherever he goes — and on any and all occasions. “Garbage” to be gathered ranges from cigarette butts and used tampons (a mystery as to how these end up on the side of the road) to abandoned Target carts to unopened cans of Spam and black beans, both of which he cooked up for his dinner date last weekend.

Garbage Guy thrives in both rural and urban environments. In town, he frequents dumpsters behind hotels and restaurants, searching for liquor bottles, soda and beer cans, and other containers that qualify for CRV cash. On the local country roads, GG knows the locations where teens gather to party. These spots offer a bounty of recyclables.

If one didn’t know Garbage Guy was a prominent corporate attorney with a thoroughbred horse ranch, they might mistake him for yet another homeless guy.

Range & Identification

Guido quis vult quisquiliarum is found only in California, where he enjoys the highest return rate on recyclables.

This male has an average height of 5’7” and a BMI of around 29.5. He is energetic and cheerful and always has a twinkle in his eye for the ladies. Garbage Guy is renowned for his loyalty, humor, and romantic temperament and his enthusiastic, if somewhat chaotic lovemaking.

Songs & Mating Calls

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Below the Bible Belt | Infra bibliam belt

At a Glance

Infra bibliam belt exudes incredible sexual energy whether praying, participating in congregational singing, or going down on his amour du jour with his labia loofah. Bible Boy is full of the holy spirit, and it shoots out of him nearly every day. For those considering becoming one of his disciples, plan on taking your bedsheets to the cleaners weekly.

Range & Identification

Bible Dudes are found primarily in (drum roll please) the Bible Belt, though there are also frequent sightings in Indiana and parts of Iowa and Missouri. These males have an average height of 5’10” and a BMI of around 34, as well as distinctive facial hair that imitates heroic figures depicted in the Bible.

Purchase this piece of shit from Satan (Amazon).

Songs & Mating Calls

Habitat

Bible Guy loves to get it on just about anywhere, but the sacristy and church banquet hall kitchen (after hours, of course) are favorite mating locations. When not having adulterous sex with lonely female congregants, BG can be found getting BJs from his wife in their cozy subdivision. His wife, who is exhausted by his CSBC (compulsive sexual behavior disorder), is happy to share him with other women.

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Beefcake Medium Rare | Senex qui vult sexus

At a Glance

If Senex qui vult sexus wore a balaclava to the gym, he might easily be mistaken for a 30-year-old with his gorgeous legs, washboard abs, and well-developed “guns.”

When not preoccupied with his workout and looking at himself in the mirror, Beefcake Guy lets his mind wander — to thoughts of the young women he so richly deserves to deflower, given his superb workout ethic, Ram 1500 Limited, and his always picking up the tab when taking women to his favorite steakhouse.

Range & Identification

Senex qui vult sexus can be found throughout North America, though their numbers are significantly lower in West Virginia, Mississippi, and Arkansas.

This male has an average height of 5’11” and a BMI of around 26, wears close-cropped hair, and is typically found sporting some variation of activewear. Beefcake’s ideal mate is one who can prop up the entire conversation, as he has little to offer in the way of meaningful dialogue, minus describing his workouts and strict diet regimen.

Songs and Mating Calls

Senex qui vult sexus has no mating call, per se, and can’t whistle, and thus indicates his sexual interest with a lascivious wink.

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