It sure sounds like you went through hell. My family moved a fair amount--three times between Seattle and Boston--all exciting road trips--and my parents never neglected us. What you went through is unbelievable!
A lot of the moving was so my mother could finish her degree, and then live in a place where she could--and did--get a good job (Boston--both ended up at Tufts for many years.) If you count years in France and in Stanford, we have five moves, and they and my older brother had six.
I'm glad your mother got to finish her degree. I think many women in her generation did not have that opportunity. And look how that unfolded... two smart parents raised a smart and thoughtful son.
She and her sister both got PhDs and accomplished a lot. Their mother also got a PhD, but her MS prevented her from accomplishing much after that. They came from a family which TCinLA describes as Jewish royalty of Denver. Their maternal uncle ran the Colorado Democratic Party for most of the first half of the previous century.
My aunt and her husband--social workers--along with Robert Butler, a former head of the National Institute on Aging, were instrumental in getting old folks homes to cease interfering with the sex lives of the elderly residents.
I agree. I grew up in southern California. My dad died of alcoholism at age 57. My mom was the co-alcoholic until I was 34 years old when he died I consider myself to be blessed that a few people, most notably the Dean of Students at Harvey Mudd College recognized that I was abused and neglected as a child. He started counseling me as a junior undergraduate student. While my major was science, my minor became psychology. That led to me getting excellent long-term counseling from a therapist at the University of Buffalo during the 11 years I was a graduate student, which put me on the journey towards recovery. I've received additional counseling since then.
I've never been drunk and have no desire to escape that way. I also had the challenge of a physical and emotional abuser as my second wife. We divorced when I was 41 years old. She kept the battle going by falsely accusing me of child sexual abuse early in the divorce proceeding. 32 years later, I remain alienated from my two daughters from that marriage The only karmic justice was that my second wife indirectly introduced me to my wife. We've been together for 32 years.
That psychotherapy also encouraged me to confront my alcoholic parents while I was in graduate school. My mom watched my father's slow-motion suicide. She intentionally chose a teetotaler as her new husband. She quit drinking and smoking and became a loving mother. I gradually learned to trust her. We became emotionally close over the course of 31 years until my mother died at age 88. I still miss her. She suffered very significant abuse by her father as an only child, but she never wanted to talk to me about it, despite my encouragement.
I believe it is really important to come out of the shadows by telling my story, which I'm doing here - and you have been doing via your stories as well. That helps us and helps other victims of parental abuse and neglect. I get the sense that other adults helped you to "re-parent" yourself. I look forward to you writing more about that.
P.S. My mother confided to my wife during their talks together (without me present) that while I was a graduate student, I became really obnoxious. For a few years, As an example, when I visited them, I addressed them as Nina and Bill instead of mom and dad. In retrospect, that was a creative way for me to protest my abuse and neglect.
Thank you so much for sharing these details of all you endured. Your speaking out will comfort other people who have gone through what at times can feel like insurmountable challenges. I think it's important for us to share the ways we've overcome the sadness, anger, and other overwhelming feelings that come from childhood abuse and neglect.
I loved hearing how you supported yourself by seeking therapy and being connected to people who appreciated your intelligence and could guide you when your parents were absent. Also glad your mother finally got to know you after she got sober, though I thought - some nerve calling you obnoxious when you addressed your so-called parents by their first names. Then I thought, perhaps she didn't remember the half of what went down because she was intoxicated. My feeling: you don't get to be called mom or dad when you didn't assume those roles in any meaningful way. Many people never get a second chance after screwing up with their kids. That was an incredible, generous gift that you gave your mother.
There are many similarities to our stories. I will be putting forward more of mine over the next few months (and over this weekend).
Take care, friend. Keep doing good things. Stay in touch.
Dear Chris: Thank you for sharing your endorsement that I gave my mother an incredible gift. by pushing back against her addiction to alcohol I look forward to reading more of your writings on this topic.
I know that one of the challenges is helping people with ordinary childhood experiences to understand some of the dimensions of abuse and neglect.
With the passage of time< i can also appreciate some of the things my parents did right like finding one of the best public high schools in southern California for us, namely Troy High School https://www.fjuhsd.org/Troy. We lived in nice locations such as Encinitas, California. For a time, we had a second home in Anza, California With the cooperation of my parents, I could attend Harvey Mudd College. https://hmc.edu
I appreciate your comment, ...you don't' get to be called mom and dad when you don't assume those roles in a meaningful way.... I'm glad that my mom finally earned that title.
I'm also very grateful for my mom's sobriety from 1986 which lasted until her death in 2017. One of the ways I express my thanks to her is to dedicate so much time and energy to the task I write about in the GreenNUKE Substack https://greennuke.substack.com/
I appreciate your friendship via the pages at Substack. I will be staying in touch. Gene
🫂
It sure sounds like you went through hell. My family moved a fair amount--three times between Seattle and Boston--all exciting road trips--and my parents never neglected us. What you went through is unbelievable!
A lot of the moving was so my mother could finish her degree, and then live in a place where she could--and did--get a good job (Boston--both ended up at Tufts for many years.) If you count years in France and in Stanford, we have five moves, and they and my older brother had six.
I'm glad your mother got to finish her degree. I think many women in her generation did not have that opportunity. And look how that unfolded... two smart parents raised a smart and thoughtful son.
She and her sister both got PhDs and accomplished a lot. Their mother also got a PhD, but her MS prevented her from accomplishing much after that. They came from a family which TCinLA describes as Jewish royalty of Denver. Their maternal uncle ran the Colorado Democratic Party for most of the first half of the previous century.
I bow to them. 🙇🏼♀️ Love this.
My aunt and her husband--social workers--along with Robert Butler, a former head of the National Institute on Aging, were instrumental in getting old folks homes to cease interfering with the sex lives of the elderly residents.
Thank you Chris! I sure miss them both!
Did I show you the story I wrote about a walk with my mother when I was a little kid? I'm pretty sure I did, but in case I didn't, here it is
https://www.csmonitor.com/The-Culture/The-home-forum/2020/0805/heeding-her-invitation-six-decades-later
I do remember this and love it. I will weave into an upcoming piece. Great story. Love ya, friend. Hope you have a beautiful Sunday.
Thank you again for your story Chris. Our family only moved 7 times by the time I finished high school.
Ridiculous — whether 7 or 11 times. Clearly, our welfare, as children, was not a high priority for either your parents or mine.
I agree. I grew up in southern California. My dad died of alcoholism at age 57. My mom was the co-alcoholic until I was 34 years old when he died I consider myself to be blessed that a few people, most notably the Dean of Students at Harvey Mudd College recognized that I was abused and neglected as a child. He started counseling me as a junior undergraduate student. While my major was science, my minor became psychology. That led to me getting excellent long-term counseling from a therapist at the University of Buffalo during the 11 years I was a graduate student, which put me on the journey towards recovery. I've received additional counseling since then.
I've never been drunk and have no desire to escape that way. I also had the challenge of a physical and emotional abuser as my second wife. We divorced when I was 41 years old. She kept the battle going by falsely accusing me of child sexual abuse early in the divorce proceeding. 32 years later, I remain alienated from my two daughters from that marriage The only karmic justice was that my second wife indirectly introduced me to my wife. We've been together for 32 years.
That psychotherapy also encouraged me to confront my alcoholic parents while I was in graduate school. My mom watched my father's slow-motion suicide. She intentionally chose a teetotaler as her new husband. She quit drinking and smoking and became a loving mother. I gradually learned to trust her. We became emotionally close over the course of 31 years until my mother died at age 88. I still miss her. She suffered very significant abuse by her father as an only child, but she never wanted to talk to me about it, despite my encouragement.
I believe it is really important to come out of the shadows by telling my story, which I'm doing here - and you have been doing via your stories as well. That helps us and helps other victims of parental abuse and neglect. I get the sense that other adults helped you to "re-parent" yourself. I look forward to you writing more about that.
P.S. My mother confided to my wife during their talks together (without me present) that while I was a graduate student, I became really obnoxious. For a few years, As an example, when I visited them, I addressed them as Nina and Bill instead of mom and dad. In retrospect, that was a creative way for me to protest my abuse and neglect.
Gene,
Thank you so much for sharing these details of all you endured. Your speaking out will comfort other people who have gone through what at times can feel like insurmountable challenges. I think it's important for us to share the ways we've overcome the sadness, anger, and other overwhelming feelings that come from childhood abuse and neglect.
I loved hearing how you supported yourself by seeking therapy and being connected to people who appreciated your intelligence and could guide you when your parents were absent. Also glad your mother finally got to know you after she got sober, though I thought - some nerve calling you obnoxious when you addressed your so-called parents by their first names. Then I thought, perhaps she didn't remember the half of what went down because she was intoxicated. My feeling: you don't get to be called mom or dad when you didn't assume those roles in any meaningful way. Many people never get a second chance after screwing up with their kids. That was an incredible, generous gift that you gave your mother.
There are many similarities to our stories. I will be putting forward more of mine over the next few months (and over this weekend).
Take care, friend. Keep doing good things. Stay in touch.
Chris
Dear Chris: Thank you for sharing your endorsement that I gave my mother an incredible gift. by pushing back against her addiction to alcohol I look forward to reading more of your writings on this topic.
I know that one of the challenges is helping people with ordinary childhood experiences to understand some of the dimensions of abuse and neglect.
With the passage of time< i can also appreciate some of the things my parents did right like finding one of the best public high schools in southern California for us, namely Troy High School https://www.fjuhsd.org/Troy. We lived in nice locations such as Encinitas, California. For a time, we had a second home in Anza, California With the cooperation of my parents, I could attend Harvey Mudd College. https://hmc.edu
I appreciate your comment, ...you don't' get to be called mom and dad when you don't assume those roles in a meaningful way.... I'm glad that my mom finally earned that title.
I'm also very grateful for my mom's sobriety from 1986 which lasted until her death in 2017. One of the ways I express my thanks to her is to dedicate so much time and energy to the task I write about in the GreenNUKE Substack https://greennuke.substack.com/
I appreciate your friendship via the pages at Substack. I will be staying in touch. Gene