Time To Get Small

How much more can we take?

This is all I’ve got time for.

I hardly know where to begin, so I guess I’ll start in the middle of nowhere. Over the last few months, a number of you pointed out I seemed to be drifting from my usual flow of articles, stories, chapters, commentary, etc. You were right, I was drifting… as in floating out to sea. Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink. Why/how had I become unmoored? I love to write, and was sitting on a mountain of sketches, research folders, and photos, but I simply could not light things up. Every time I sat down to work on a story, I felt sick. Like really nauseous. The thought of putting pen to paper — it felt unbearably heavy. All I wanted to do was nap.

My last article, “Wallet War,” just about killed me. I’m not kidding. It took me a week and a half to finish the last few paragraphs. Then, I couldn’t bring myself to send it out. I sat on it for days and contemplated deleting the entire thing. The problem: I simply couldn’t stomach spreading more hate. I am sick of fighting, especially when there is no end in sight.

And you know what? The writing really was making me sick. One day I would be swimming, hiking, and doing all my usual shit, then, when I turned to my writing, I got caught up in a flurry of troubling symptoms: insanely high blood pressure, tachycardia and palpitations, extreme irritability, shortness of breath, muscle weakness, uncontrolled shaking, swollen feet and legs, nausea, etc. Holy shit. All of this — new to me. Turns out, my previously perfect thyroid had gone rogue, big time — life-threateningly big time. And the icing on the cake: a blood clot had tanked part of my left kidney. Like forever. And then, another clot was lurking near my heart. What the fuck. All of this made the hemorrhoid seem inconsequential.

This I know: all of us are living in a toxic waste dump. Horrible, upsetting, idiotic news washes over us all day long, and we can’t bring ourselves to look away. It is BIG news, earth-shattering news, we-need-to-know-about-it news. Yet, it is news about things over which we have zero control. And there is about a 500 to 1 ratio between articles and news segments on he-whose-name-I-shall-never-ever-type-again and human interest stories about baby gorillas. It’s a bit like eating 500 beef tallow French fries and 1 steamed green bean every day. You’ll be dead in a week.

I am 100% positive that all of this horrible negativity is the cause of my body’s rebellion. I was reading about 10-12 publications a day, and all the news was BAD. Bad, bad, bad and more bad. I had been soaking in a cortisol hottub since November 5th. This was no doubt making me ill. It is probably doing the same to you.

Haven’t we all had enough? I mean really. We have been observing a nonstop parade of horrors about which we can do nothing. There are people dying all over the world thanks to the U.S. giving arms to the wrong people (Netanyahu) and withholding crucial aid to others. Millions of Americans are looking to be unemployed after the economy tanks due to the trade war situation. On top of this, these same folks will be contending with soaring inflation, and those unemployed will liking have no health coverage as Medicaid and other programs are defunded. Rather than pursuing green energy, the federal government will soon be allowing drilling off previously protected coastal waters and cutting vast swaths of trees from pristine wilderness. Over the last few weeks, people have watched their retirement funds blow up on the stock market and we have witnessed the start of the mass deportations, an anticipated 13 million people — people vital to our economy. And many of these people will lose access to their life savings and property after their social security numbers are destroyed.

Fuck. I need to stop right here. All of this is anxiety-producing beyond belief. And echoing through this endless, discordant noise are the voices of the idiotic MAGA people I know, who believe things will soon take a turn for the better, that we just need to be patient and pray. Pray? How very, very stupid. I feel like ripping my hair out.

So, what does one do when everything seems to be falling apart and a little over half the U.S. voted for this fucking disaster? I have been thinking on this for weeks and not a single answer comes to mind. I put in my laps at the pool. No answer. I take a hike. No answer. I write. No answer. I talk with friends (only to discover more problems). Still no answers.

Really, all we can do is to step out of the way. Let these fuckers burn their world down. Let them enjoy the consequences of their stupidity. They wanted every bad thing and that is what they will get. Do not rescue them.

I am stepping out of the way. I intend to focus on the mountains and woods, the birds and goats, music and old movies. I will only have time for my kids, making love to my wonderful guy, enjoying a delicious meal on the deck and feeding the horses. And I am going to write like crazy. Just not about politics.