What Men See When They Look In The Mirror

OK ladies, I’m going to save you the horror of what you will find if you google “Why older men prefer young women.” DO NOT GOOGLE THIS. There is no unseeing this nightmare alternate reality once you hit that return button. The google results will infuriate you, and for those of you already teetering on the edge, it may result in your purchasing a new set of J.A. Henckels International Classic Knives. FYI, these are fantastic knives and you deserve them.

Article after article on this subject make the same baseless claims and I can tell you this… NONE OF IT IS BASED ON SCIENCE. It is fucking bullshit. No facts, no bibliographies, no links to scientific studies. Just the usual macho HORSESHIT, which is based, as usual, on “common sense.” Whose “common sense” exactly? Entitled white men who golf and vote Republican. Examples include Josh Hawley, as he ponders the masculinity he clearly lacks (his book: Manhood: The Masculine Virtues America Needs - do not buy it) and Tucker Carlson with his theories on testicle red light therapy. Let us all bow our heads in prayer… “may Tucker develop skin cancer on his nuts so that he might be compelled to quit torturing us.” Thoughts and prayers ladies.

I’ll summarize what is said in the majority of these articles so you do not have to wade through this knee high sewage.  

Purported Reasons Older Men Prefer Young Women

• Young women give older men a sense of youth

• Young women make older men feel wanted

• Young women help older men deal with their midlife crises

• Young women are open to experimentation

• Young women are OK with short term relationships

• Young women love to have the man be in charge (pour yourself some bourbon)

• Men age better than women and can therefore attract younger women (put the knife down)

• Young women appreciate the “financial stability” and economic status of an older man

• Young women enjoy the social status of being with an older man

• The dynamic of young women being attracted to older men is a biological preference

PUT. THE. KNIFE. DOWN.

I don’t even know where to begin with this. It is really difficult to debate/refute/debunk that which is pure conjecture. I GIVE UP. What stands out to me generally is the notion that older men know what young women want. And that would be THEM, according to THEM. Alrighty.

My daughter, who is a talented artist, painted a picture for me (metaphorical picture, that is) that has stuck in my head since the day my long-time boyfriend (who is 12 years my elder) dumped me because I was “getting too heavy and looking too old” for his taste. When I returned home from the breakup and collapsed on the living room floor, my daughter said: “Mom… what the hell does he see when he looks in the mirror? He has baggy eyes, wrinkles and age spots and he looks like a cranky old man!” Yeah, I thought. She’s right. He does. And he has “man boobs” (and other issues). God I love that kid. And the point here ladies…  I am positive that many of you lovingly accept these imperfections in your man. I surely did. Why the fuck can’t men be man enough to do the same with their female partners in life?

Let’s just shove all these horseshit notions down the garbage disposal and start from scratch.

The Real Reasons Older Men Prefer Young Women

• They like the way young women look

• They think they deserve to be with young women JUST BECAUSE

• They imagine they are better looking than they actually are

• They imagine they are smarter and more talented than they actually are

• They are easily hoodwinked into opening their wallets for SEX

• Society has led them to believe they are entitled to whatever they want

SUMMARY: men are pigs. At least the ones who believe the first set of bullet points. And no Lori, that does not include your husband, Keith, who is a freak of nature. My guess is that the second set of assertions could easily be backed up by science, if, in fact, more money for scientific studies was earmarked for women.

The best quote I came across in this mind-numbing excursion through online misogyny was from the refreshing article “Unconventional Wisdom: challenging those faux-profound bits of knowledge so often taken for granted,” by Rebecca Stoner. She had this to say:

“The claim that men ‘naturally’ prefer younger women is an assertion of power cloaked in the language of evolutionary psychology.” Well said. Thank you Rebecca.

So all you single ladies… the next time some toothless windbag hits on you at the wine bar, try to imagine how they see themselves every morning when they look in the mirror. And try not to nasal your sparkling rosé of pinot noir as you envision this. It’ll burn your sinuses.

Thankfully there are still some great guys out there that live in the real world. Tom and Kent, you know who you are. But know this: your wives are keeping an eye on you. So select your bitmojis with care.

By the way, my favorite quote from said ex-boyfriend is this: “I can take a lot of shit, but when it gets in my mouth… that’s it.” Guess what buddy… it got in my mouth. And now I’m writing this column.

And said boyfriend, I’m sure you’ll be relieved to know you won’t ever be hearing from me again. And I’m relieved I won’t be changing your adult diapers. AND you never, ever looked like Mick Jagger. I was lying.